Because they don't have pockets.

That’s not a good sign.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

"Well I don't give a f* what you think"

It was the hardest dump I ever took

I think she is in love with me.

They said it was grounds for termination.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

It Taurus apart

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

He’ll come around eventually.

Now I can't read anything.

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

The decision was a piece of cake.

Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital

Crew: I I Captain.

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

“Because she has no taste.”

"Because they have a peel".

But I will recover.

The news was hard for me to hear.

But will she leave me ?

Find out next week.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

Is this a trick question?

"You know, one would have been enough."

Having a small party for my guitar and music obsessed soon-to-be 3 year old. Wanted to put some signs next to the food to make it more on-theme. We’ll be serving:

Chicken nuggets PB&Js (in the shape of guitars) Veggie tray Fruit tray Water & juice

I’m struggling to think of stuff. So far I only have Nirvana Nuggets (which I realize isn’t even a pun) and PB&J Richie Samboraches. Lame, I know 😂 Help me out if you can think of any more!

Wife: who’s skull is that

Me: a man named Phillip

Wife: what’s in it?

Me: vodka and orange juice.

Wife: .......

Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver

I told her not to slam The Doors in my house.

Shore

"Tell him I've already got one!"

A hammer.

I told him, “No it doesn’t!”

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.

That's karma for ya

Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away

"So , how long have you been an Instructor?"

I said because she is a pessimist.