And I’m sure he felt the burn too!
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
Ugh too much sugar I'm drowning here!
I’m too dumb to make a body pun myself so I’ll just leave this here.
A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter?
What do you call a triangle thats had too much to drink?
Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...
I just don't see the point.
My neighbours complained about me groaning and moaning too loudly while having sex in the morning.
If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high...
I'm not supposed to eat anything too suite.
I’ve seen way too many Hindsight is 2020 jokes tonight.
I should’ve seen it coming, but... you know.
My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.
It goes into one ear, and out the other.
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
A few days too late, but OK.
My therapist told me I’m too indecisive
but really I’m just not so sure.
I got kicked out of my poetry club because I made too many Linkin Park references
But who could rock a rhyme like this?
I didn’t want to get too cocky
So I only wished for a medium dick.
It’s still small, but now it can talk to ghosts.
My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally
I asked her, "Who's Literally?"
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
Twitter has gone too far! Now they're banning Mario for threatening the President.
Evidently he found out that Trump was in Peach twice.
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
This happens way too often
I recently turned down an opportunity to open a Dominos Pizza store, because I thought it was too risky.
If one store goes down, they will all go down.
What do you call it if you die from eating too many chickpeas?
A fraction too much friction
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
First last time I made a kichen counter it was too small
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
I would bee carefull too.
I bought too much food at the store.
It'll probably last until the end of the year.
We got a new air mattress but it was too lumpy. We called customer support, very angry, demanding our money back!
They said we were blowing it out of proportion.
A man and his son had a farm, but things weren't going too well.
The son said "I think we need to start growing something other than just wheat" and started naming fruits and vegetables.
"I think you're right, kiddo" said the man.
He went over to one of the haybales and started grabbing fistfuls of it. He spread it out and then started covering it with dirt.
"Dad, what are you doing?" asked the son, confused.
"I'm making straw-buries".
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.
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