I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..

..do you just get exhausted ?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
πŸ‘︎ 792
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I met a pretty cool guy who fixed my ripped shirt.

He seams legit.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Pretty dissapointed
πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geeky_or_nerdy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
As English my second language, pretty proud of this one.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mamado21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
TV repair during the pandemic has been pretty easy.

It’s mostly remote work.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
One canyon is pretty,

but two canyons are gorges.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought it was pretty good.

So a Ute pulls into work with a massive turkey on the back in a cage. When the driver steps out to make their purchase I say: β€œI don’t know what you’re feeding that dog but he looks terrible!”

She didn’t even give me a courtesy laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/person_mann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Antartica is pretty scary...

Just thinking about it gives me chills.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/04foxtrot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I have the power to ejaculate a pretty good distance.

I’m surprised at how far I’ve come.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was β€œyou’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

πŸ‘︎ 586
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.

She wants you to be more Roman-tic.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I keep begging my wife to wear pretty dresses, but she just ignores me.

I guess she wears the pants in the relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLDrDroo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Pretty fly for a white guy
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xTrainerRedx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud

For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"

I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proygratoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Who goes on adventures with Lara Croft but is also pretty good at American Football?

Tomb Raidy

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good

Jack and the beans talk

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnr_jinx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Fishes are pretty easy to weigh

They have their own scales

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I'm pretty sure my office printer is Jamaican.

It's always jammin', mahn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you feel anything for a pretty girl named anne?

Because all you get is the Anne Aesthetic

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rossdabose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My German friend is pretty big

You could say he stahl

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ja-das-ist-gut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was pretty well off before my divorce settlement...

but now I’m in the lapse of luxury

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Ngl I find it pretty funny
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rinkemax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought this was pretty good
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbigbigwow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Pretty fly for a white guy
πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackBleedingGray
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm pretty bad at building fences..

Oops, wrong place for this post

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Pretty
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anaxtogrind
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. β€œOuch!” I yelled

β€œYOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief. β€œME-ow”

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keller_rado
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The Theory of Plate Tectonics is on pretty shaky ground.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaredLiwet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
So pretty
πŸ‘︎ 301
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Getting rid of an annoying crease on a piece of paper is pretty easy.

All you have to do is wait, eventually it’ll crease to exist!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordIggy88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Man last year was pretty bad, but at least I’m prepared for this year.

Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadOnTheInternet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
This year has been pretty terrible

Next year is looking better. Unfortunately the one after that is going to be Twenty Twenty too.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheps11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Took a pretty good picture of the meteor shower a few days ago.
πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaunRyk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was not worth the trip.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Think_Naught
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
It's pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird

Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elditrom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks

Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Pretty clever one..
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edwardshirohige
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said I'm pretty

Well, she actually said, "You're pretty annoying", but I choose to focus on the positive things.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stilekid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report

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