A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
Why should you always wear glasses when doing Math?
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
Why do Deloreans always have such low mileage?
They’re only driven from from time to time
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Why does Waldo always wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
What is always the score at the end of a “best-of-three” match?
One won one, and one won two.
I always buy my weapons from a guy called T-Rex.
Some people always need their opinions validated.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
My dad always introduces my mom as
His “first wife”
(They’ve been married 43 years)
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
As a rule of thumb ALWAYS have a squid on your side when you're in a fight
My brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
I always knock on the door of the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.
Just giving cReddit where it's due.
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
Which Avenger is always in a hurry?
Black Widow-- cause she's Russian
My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.
I replied, "That's what you think!"
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I always wanted a job cleaning mirrors...
Its just something I can see myself doing.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk.
But I never got the chants.
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, occasionally has 12 letters, always has 6 letters, and never has 5 letters.
But nothing tops a cheese pizza.
Why do mushrooms always get invited to parties?
Because they’re all fungi’s
When geese fly in a V, why is one side of th V always longer than the other side?
There's more geese on that side.
I always thought Ruby Tuesday was by the Beatles,
turns out it's by the Cinnabon.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents.
When I was first born, I didn't speak to them for 2 years.
Every time I see the initials for Hayley Atwell I always laugh.
My dad always used to say ‘out with the old and in with the new’.
Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer...
People always say "let that sink in"
But there is never a sink at the door
I tell you what always catches my eye....
Short people with umbrellas
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
In college, we had a buddy who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try.
He was the original trip advisor.
What do you call a Gungan that always farts?
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Some people always want their opinion validated
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...
But I never got the chants.
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