Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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︎ Aug 02 2019
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
Iβve lost count of the times I forgot
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Guess they should read the bio next time
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Sign of the times
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
Time fly!
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Time to put on the costume
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︎ Nov 28 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I got a part time job kissing both women and men
It's not much but it's getting me bi
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
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︎ Oct 03 2020
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
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︎ Sep 12 2020
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
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︎ Sep 01 2020
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, Iβm sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
6:30 is the best time
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︎ Dec 19 2020
A pun for current times
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︎ Nov 06 2020
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Every time I put my car in reverse.
Once upon a time a lion and a cheetah had a race . This is what happened.
Christmas time
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
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︎ Sep 19 2020
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time
I never saw it coming, wouldnβt have suspected it
I was going to tell a time traveling joke...
But you didnβt like it.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A hospital pun in these covid times!
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
What is the best time to go to the dentist?
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldnβt get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
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︎ Dec 29 2020
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
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︎ Nov 11 2020
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Why is Britain so damp and wet all the time?
Because the Queen has been reigning for too long!
Does covid have you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you might be entitled to condensation
What do you call a small time female criminal who is also very emotional?
Ms. Demeanor
(Credit to my lack of sleep)
Had a German sausage for the first time today,
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....
.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"
My wife said she is tires of me crossdressing all the time
So I packed up her clothes and left.
My friend Patrick is black,white,and Asian at the same time.
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Time to show some emotions
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︎ Nov 22 2020
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
A buddy of mine works on an oil field. I had to stop spending time with him..
Because his sense of humor was too crude
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︎ Dec 21 2020
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