Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaAxel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke.

But you guys didn't like it.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ogury
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...

..so we stopped and went home.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
You got the time?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnchartedQuasar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
Times New Roman, Arial, and Sans Serif walk into a bar

Before they can order a drink the bartender yells

"Get out, we don't serve your type here!"

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/APunchToThePuss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.

It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.

It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
What did Jesus love to do in his spare time?

Cross-fit

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?

Toot in common

πŸ‘︎ 151
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HoldMyDirrk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Every time we asked our dad if we could have pets, he refused.

He said, β€œPets are just a step backwards.”

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible

So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J

J: You u should tie up your shoes

Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays

J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)

Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)

Conversation deviates

Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard

J: nah

Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZmentAdverti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
What a time to be alive
πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DumbassNinja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17
🚨︎ report
How do communists tell time?

An hourglass.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ash_con
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a time travelling joke

But you guys didn't like it.

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessCuteButt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
"Time Sensitive Material"
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brownijo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
I was about to tell a time traveling joke

but you guys didn’t like it

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theereelest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven.

They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
Sometimes my experience on an elevator is very uplifting. Other times ...

I just feel let down.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/well_I_swan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
6:30 is the best time of the day.

Hands down!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aagistar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Making puns in these times is very hard.

It is a PUNDEMIC situation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amankhaan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Mine would just say "I'm glad you enjoyed my free Willy and we had a whale of a time, but we need to sea otter whales."
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zenithh7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Working-Mind
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,

this changes everything

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/well_I_swan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

πŸ‘︎ 396
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...

Sometimes they take this schist for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mkrjoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_simplepotato_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
If you time travel to the future and get decapitated-

You really are a head of your time

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
My daughter refused to go to bed on time.

I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ROLO_V13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man who’s short of time?

Tim

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-jvckpot-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20
🚨︎ report
Next time I'll use my fingers
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.

He says, "Printed in China."

This is a true story lol.

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BasementGrowNerd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
What is a thousand times better than instagram?

Instakilogram

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?

Nice

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorbell28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 745
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
Clothes drying was one of the most pioneering technologies of our time.

They were the first to go online.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Big brain time
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PENTOVILLIANKING
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29
🚨︎ report
If you time travel to the future and get decapitated-

You really are a head of your times

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..

..and I knew She was a Keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
I would like to start doing Yoga but I can never find the time to.

I am not very flexible.

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
If I had a nickel every time I was confused

I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dragoon2745
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding puns (pun line underneath)

Because they take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Remsta08
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
There was this one time when my friend tried to trick a radiologist...

I said be careful, heard the can see right through ya.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mobiyus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20
🚨︎ report
The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience

But the second time it let me down

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatoman-177
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tburns1469
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

πŸ‘︎ 840
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...

That was just one of the downfalls!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Every time you light your lighter

It gets lighter and lighter until it's so light that it won't light

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ribdunge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time.

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19
🚨︎ report
The best time on an analogue watch is 6:30

Hands down

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
I used to be addicted to time travel,

but that’s all in the past now.

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight

She's my aunt

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
You Know, These Are Some Looney Times...

Luckily, I've got my music for such times.

My Looney Tunes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pfheonix
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20
🚨︎ report
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...

I just have to take shelfies!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
Everyone loves pie. But when's the best time for pie?

3:14

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20
🚨︎ report
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,

People will be lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 988
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
We must share our time with others, its not mine, yours nor his...

Its hours.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AN_13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
My Vet said our puppy requires supervision at all times.

I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyinDanskMen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
Any time I ask my dad how he learned Braille, he refuses to give me a straight answer.

For him, it’s a touchy subject.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
My dad made another dad joke but this time it was die hard 5 instead of die hard 4.

You may have seen my other post a couple weeks back about die hard 4 and it got really popular and now my dad has made another joke and I want to prove to him that this was a bad one.

When the Russian guy was pushed off the building by mcclaines son and sliced by the helicopter, my dad said, β€œhe got choppered.” Am I wrong or was this one a bad one?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nessmainsarescum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee...

It was atoll...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
Her anger jumped discontinuously at that point in time.

Me: My love for you is 0/0 Her: Aww, infinite? Me: Nahh,Undefined. Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity? Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it. Her: I want to break your bones, ugh. Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.

He was a good copper spanner, Yule

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19
🚨︎ report
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:

"Are we then yet?"

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMissKeesha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
You know the old saying β€œTime flies like arrows”?

Well fruit flies like bananas!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tom_led
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
If I got 5 bucks every time my daughter gave her Barbie a haircut

I'd have a lot of doll hairs

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.

Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Infuuri
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
Why do scientists chew gum all the time?

Because they like ex-spearmints.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/musical-gamer6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.

He said, β€œYou’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMikeLeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."

I told him, "well, this time, you should."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
So I travelled back in time, and was told THE BEST joke by ancient egyptians

I laughed historically!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucab_lesp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
What is the best time of the day, hands-down?

6:30.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sac_fo_dayz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
I knew a time travelling botanist

He kept going back to the fuchsia

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mantissa7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
πŸ‘︎ 209
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.

It’s currently half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 700
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."

"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17
🚨︎ report
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

it becomes egg sighted

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nymphomanius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.