Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
What time do ducks wake up?
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
I decided to invent a time machine you wear like a belt
It turned out to be a complete waist of time
It's time to sell Skyrim for the new generation of consoles
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I would tell a time travel joke,
I got a contact to make a documentary about shoemakers. They didn't give me enough time to a great job...
...but I manged to cobble something together last minute.
Why do people in Athens have a hard time waking up in the morning?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
Its that time of the year. Blessed
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
I post a pun everyday on this subreddit hoping it’ll blow but I’m disappointed.. every time!
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
One of the greatest NBA teams of all time, the 98 Chicago Bowls
My wife and I saw an out-of-state license play and called it at the same time. But she beat me to the punch :/
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?
They're lining up for blocks.
Puns in the fastest time possible.
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
Every time I buy a dozen bees from the bee keeper , he’ll give me 13
He sure does enjoy giving freebees
Didn't waist any time with that pun!
I'm not gay, but one time I was in a wild mood and let a guy jack off into my face. I don't even know if it was a guy tbh, it hardly even looked human. Idk what came over me
Uber eats does it all the time
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
People have a lot of time to get creative in the quarantine
A pun related to these dire times..
What's a thousand times better than Instagram?
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
This isn't like last time, I swear
What is the best time to go to dentist?
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
As a colorblind man, i thought i saw red for the first time
Turns out it was only a pigment of my imagination
It was a long time ago, a different time, when Bach wrote his music. I wonder what life was like Bach then 🎹
In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.
This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment
It's time this show gets the credit it deserves
Did I do this right? I tried to do a name pun for the first time
What to text when you're not going to be on time...
I get asked all the time why I enjoy fishing
I tell them, "just for the halibut"
Did I tell you about the time when I got attacked by 6 dwarves?
If you come across a cow in post-apocalyptic times, you'd better not let it go.
That would be a missed steak.
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it
I think aisle tell it later
The inventor of time travel has died in a tragic jousting accident
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Just opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time.
I was completely shocked.
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
My pregnant wife just asked me if I think her tummy is going to get bigger for the next time she gets pregnant.
Me: "Of course it will get bigger"
Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"
Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Dogs talk to us all the time
You just have to know what questions they're answering, like, what’s a tree trunk covered in, what’s the french word for egg, how does sandpaper feel, what’s on the top of a house, what’s 1 divided by two
What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
Every time I take pictures of wheat fields
...they always come out grainy.
At what time do you go to the dentist?
I saw an old comedian up on stage one time.
He had lots of laugh lines.
From sunrise to sunset, I couldn't remember the name for a 24 hour time period. I finally did.
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
Hey y'all! Long Time No See!
What’s the best time on a clock?
At a rock concert one time, I saw a girl with a gold spiked necklace.
I thought “wow, that’s pretty metal.”
I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time...
She’s going to scream and run out of the park.
In NYC, after these difficult times many people were excited the Lego store was finally reopening.
People were outside lined up for blocks.
So we were at a mcdonald's and they got my dad's order wrong 5 times.
Dad goes "Get me your mcfucking manager."
My dad was an organ player at basketball games, one time something got stuck on the organ and it made such a loud sound he sadly died.
The death was listed as “organ failure”
I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one
They are just passing the time
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
Helvertica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” Shorts the bartender, “we don’t serve your type”
The hurdler was having a hard time with the course.
His coach told him to just get over it.
A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun...
.. doctors say he is now fully recovered.
What is Roger Federer’s favorite time of day?
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana