Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Guess they should read the bio next time
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
Time to put on the costume
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
I got a part time job kissing both women and men
It's not much but it's getting me bi
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
Every time I put my car in reverse.
Once upon a time a lion and a cheetah had a race . This is what happened.
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time
I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it
I was going to tell a time traveling joke...
A hospital pun in these covid times!
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
What is the best time to go to the dentist?
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
Why is Britain so damp and wet all the time?
Because the Queen has been reigning for too long!
Does covid have you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you might be entitled to condensation
What do you call a small time female criminal who is also very emotional?
(Credit to my lack of sleep)
Had a German sausage for the first time today,
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....
.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"
My wife said she is tires of me crossdressing all the time
So I packed up her clothes and left.
My friend Patrick is black,white,and Asian at the same time.
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
Time to show some emotions
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
A buddy of mine works on an oil field. I had to stop spending time with him..
Because his sense of humor was too crude