Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke.
But you guys didn't like it.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Times New Roman, Arial, and Sans Serif walk into a bar
Before they can order a drink the bartender yells
"Get out, we don't serve your type here!"
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.
It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
What did Jesus love to do in his spare time?
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?
Every time we asked our dad if we could have pets, he refused.
He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
How do communists tell time?
I was going to tell a time travelling joke
But you guys didn't like it.
"Time Sensitive Material"
I was about to tell a time traveling joke
but you guys didn’t like it
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven.
They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Sometimes my experience on an elevator is very uplifting. Other times ...
6:30 is the best time of the day.
Making puns in these times is very hard.
It is a PUNDEMIC situation.
Mine would just say "I'm glad you enjoyed my free Willy and we had a whale of a time, but we need to sea otter whales."
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
If you time travel to the future and get decapitated-
You really are a head of your time
My daughter refused to go to bed on time.
I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.
What do you call a man who’s short of time?
Next time I'll use my fingers
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Clothes drying was one of the most pioneering technologies of our time.
They were the first to go online.
If you time travel to the future and get decapitated-
You really are a head of your times
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
I would like to start doing Yoga but I can never find the time to.
My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding puns (pun line underneath)
Because they take things literally
There was this one time when my friend tried to trick a radiologist...
I said be careful, heard the can see right through ya.
The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience
But the second time it let me down
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Every time you light your lighter
It gets lighter and lighter until it's so light that it won't light
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time.
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
The best time on an analogue watch is 6:30
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that’s all in the past now.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
You Know, These Are Some Looney Times...
Luckily, I've got my music for such times.
My Looney Tunes.
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
Everyone loves pie. But when's the best time for pie?
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
We must share our time with others, its not mine, yours nor his...
My Vet said our puppy requires supervision at all times.
I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?
Any time I ask my dad how he learned Braille, he refuses to give me a straight answer.
For him, it’s a touchy subject.
My dad made another dad joke but this time it was die hard 5 instead of die hard 4.
You may have seen my other post a couple weeks back about die hard 4 and it got really popular and now my dad has made another joke and I want to prove to him that this was a bad one.
When the Russian guy was pushed off the building by mcclaines son and sliced by the helicopter, my dad said, “he got choppered.” Am I wrong or was this one a bad one?
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee...
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Her anger jumped discontinuously at that point in time.
Me: My love for you is 0/0
Her: Aww, infinite?
Me: Nahh,Undefined.
Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity?
Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it.
Her: I want to break your bones, ugh.
Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?
For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.
He was a good copper spanner, Yule
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:
Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
You know the old saying “Time flies like arrows”?
Well fruit flies like bananas!
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
If I got 5 bucks every time my daughter gave her Barbie a haircut
I'd have a lot of doll hairs
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
Why do scientists chew gum all the time?
Because they like ex-spearmints.
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
So I travelled back in time, and was told THE BEST joke by ancient egyptians
What is the best time of the day, hands-down?
I knew a time travelling botanist
He kept going back to the fuchsia
The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers"
Two time travelers walk into a bar
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
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