Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaAxel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 745
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
What is a thousand times better than instagram?

Instakilogram

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

πŸ‘︎ 840
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,

People will be lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 979
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
If I had a nickel every time I was confused

I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dragoon2745
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.

It’s currently half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 707
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
What time do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LurkyTheHatMan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.

Wookiee mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dashie1985
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
Took me some time
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shpritzer1
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
I decided to invent a time machine you wear like a belt

It turned out to be a complete waist of time

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
It's time to sell Skyrim for the new generation of consoles
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Perkele1974
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.

The Ex-Men.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
I would tell a time travel joke,

but you didn't like it.

πŸ‘︎ 350
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
I got a contact to make a documentary about shoemakers. They didn't give me enough time to a great job...

...but I manged to cobble something together last minute.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Wrong time for a pun
πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
Why do people in Athens have a hard time waking up in the morning?

Because dawn is tough on Greece.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Peacesquatch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
Its that time of the year. Blessed
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Savings_Cattle
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
I post a pun everyday on this subreddit hoping it’ll blow but I’m disappointed.. every time!
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiS
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.

I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
One of the greatest NBA teams of all time, the 98 Chicago Bowls
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benabramowitz18
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My wife and I saw an out-of-state license play and called it at the same time. But she beat me to the punch :/
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slugwomp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Panda2377
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times

Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.

πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...

C

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?

They're lining up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nectar23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Puns in the fastest time possible.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
Every time I buy a dozen bees from the bee keeper , he’ll give me 13

He sure does enjoy giving freebees

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaunUgLee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
Didn't waist any time with that pun!
πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tacobitch91
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
I'm not gay, but one time I was in a wild mood and let a guy jack off into my face. I don't even know if it was a guy tbh, it hardly even looked human. Idk what came over me

Sorry

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/figgerer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Uber eats does it all the time
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iam7mza
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

About tennish.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bum-Sniffer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
People have a lot of time to get creative in the quarantine
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
A pun related to these dire times..
πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/english_avocado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
What's a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MolecularPotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 314
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EnUddaGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
This isn't like last time, I swear
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
What is the best time to go to dentist?

Tooth-hurty

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wampzi
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rizethespize
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whitlow14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
As a colorblind man, i thought i saw red for the first time

Turns out it was only a pigment of my imagination

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imodigum
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
It was a long time ago, a different time, when Bach wrote his music. I wonder what life was like Bach then 🎹
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Free-Author
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.

This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brayradberry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
It's time this show gets the credit it deserves
πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Did I do this right? I tried to do a name pun for the first time
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/multi-fandom-sav
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
What to text when you're not going to be on time...

"I'm going to be β‚ˆ"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
I get asked all the time why I enjoy fishing

I tell them, "just for the halibut"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you about the time when I got attacked by 6 dwarves?

Not happy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/insanefoot
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
If you come across a cow in post-apocalyptic times, you'd better not let it go.

That would be a missed steak.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ericn8886
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it

I think aisle tell it later

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
The inventor of time travel has died in a tragic jousting accident

RIP: 1976 - 1130

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?

Retired

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RickC-249
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sttommyboy
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...

That took a lot of balls.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Just opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time.

I was completely shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
Its time to duel
πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/owao999
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.

That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.

πŸ‘︎ 782
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
My pregnant wife just asked me if I think her tummy is going to get bigger for the next time she gets pregnant.

Me: "Of course it will get bigger"

Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"

Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…

It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurtie.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
Dogs talk to us all the time

You just have to know what questions they're answering, like, what’s a tree trunk covered in, what’s the french word for egg, how does sandpaper feel, what’s on the top of a house, what’s 1 divided by two

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/euxneks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

The shovel

πŸ‘︎ 294
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
Every time I take pictures of wheat fields

...they always come out grainy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
At what time do you go to the dentist?

Toothurty

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
I saw an old comedian up on stage one time.

He had lots of laugh lines.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rorolith
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
From sunrise to sunset, I couldn't remember the name for a 24 hour time period. I finally did.

Then I called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.

Spoiler Alert.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TickLikesBombs
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, β€œSir, would you care for a drink?”

I asked her, β€œwhat are my options?”

She said, β€œyes or no.”

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMikeD1
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
Hey y'all! Long Time No See!
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrShaunce
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
What’s the best time on a clock?

6:30, hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vassarlb
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
At a rock concert one time, I saw a girl with a gold spiked necklace.

I thought β€œwow, that’s pretty metal.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time...

She’s going to scream and run out of the park.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PSN_Clamour_Kid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
In NYC, after these difficult times many people were excited the Lego store was finally reopening.

People were outside lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
So we were at a mcdonald's and they got my dad's order wrong 5 times.

Dad goes "Get me your mcfucking manager."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticSponge5568
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
My dad was an organ player at basketball games, one time something got stuck on the organ and it made such a loud sound he sadly died.

The death was listed as β€œorgan failure”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benyou34
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
They are just passing the time
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hugfry
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."

"She became a little spore addict."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
Helvertica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

β€œGet out of here!” Shorts the bartender, β€œwe don’t serve your type”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
The hurdler was having a hard time with the course.

His coach told him to just get over it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun...

.. doctors say he is now fully recovered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
What is Roger Federer’s favorite time of day?

About Ten-ish

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/indebut96
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.

The Ex-Men.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
Time flies like an arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dbackrvac
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report

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