1 minute when she turns 62
πŸ‘︎ 459
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute

After all it is her thirty second birthday

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidgyboat5955
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...

And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wB68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.

It’s just a curd to me.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoorHalfwayShut
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
My dad invented a belt made of herbs that takes you 5 minutes into the future.

It took 6 minutes to put on. It was a waist of thyme

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
This year my dad is celebrating his birthday for half a minute. Why you may ask?

It’s his 32nd birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute...
πŸ‘︎ 367
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/berryvigdick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
There is a very common and seamingly innocuous plant. But if you sit under it for 5 minutes, you’re dead.

A water lily

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBully74
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started. I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you..."

"...have plaque on your wall?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
5 minutes later, i'm still mad about it.
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lagbenji
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.

I guess it's a bunk bed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute!
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thanksforthetip69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.

That’s karma in real life

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
If a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, she will be...

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Me: <receives phone notification> "Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes"

Wife: "It's sunny outside"

Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaellasalle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JSC_SLP
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.

He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.

I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.

He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.

πŸ‘︎ 360
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peon2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
My buddy's conversation. It took me a minute πŸ˜…
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xLTxMasterThief
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
Can anyone explain why last night’s Oscars were only a minute and a half?

I didn’t watch but heard something on the news about the 92nd Oscars ceremony last night.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
I was trying to get the rent for this month together, but my wife kept showing me clips from 60 Minutes...

I should have known she'd try to Stahl...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
After 10 minutes of horror, the man finally stopped shooting...

He yelled, "cut!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
My math professor was late 16 minutes for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 221
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked God, β€œHow long is a million years?” He said, β€œA minute.” I asked God, β€œHow much is a million dollars?” He said, β€œA penny.” So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,

β€œIn a minute.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
A Pun I Made In 5 Minutes On MS Paint... Merry Christmas!
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KLMkid10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute
πŸ‘︎ 412
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackJack5JAoH
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
It used to bug me that all my clocks only displayed hours and minutes.

Then someone told me about second-hand stores!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/urbanek2525
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
Me to my wife: Cool, the Grammies will only be on for a minute!

Her: looks at me, perplexed Me: They just said it’s the sixty second Grammy awards... Her: Get out

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sr3jan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute...
πŸ‘︎ 343
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/richcowlonglegs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
From my dad, a minute ago: β€œyour mom and I went to a completely pitch black restaurants once”

β€œThey didn’t have any seafood there!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blackwellsucks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
this happened like ten minutes ago....
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lxelitexl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
What do you call hastily done noodles at the last minute?

Cramen

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 877
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad burst into my room and said, β€œWanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.

He said. β€œSorry. That was a long winded story.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Kroger is bringing their A game. Their Dr. Pepper knock off is called "The Fizzicist". Took me a minute to get it.
πŸ‘︎ 591
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_might_be_weasel
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to smoke weed and go class. I'd sneak in 10 minutes late with some bs excuse. Slinked real low in my chair and hoped no one asked me a question.

I was a damn good teacher

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ch57113
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Here's a change: In the next 60 Minutes

it will be time for Hugh & Barbara, rather than Dan.

(I know its Muir/Robach and Stahl/Dickerson but I grew up with Mr. Downs and Ms. Walters. Anyone else?)

post time: 2300 GMT -5 12-31-2019

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Its a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just got given 7 parking tickets in 60 minutes

It was my finest hour.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WritingAScript
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Just happened a few minutes ago. Whilst wrapping an easel for our daughter my better half said "how am I going to wrap this?" I replied "Easely". Not even a smile :( wasted talent here.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dannyp433
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my mom what she would think if a white dude was rockin dreads and she went β€œthat’s dreadful.” we laughed for a good minute.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eleanorw123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I made a Dot Plot Graph in 2 minutes for my Science project

It wasn't the most accurate, but it gets the point across.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Werewolf640
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rotimi_babalola
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Tom Cruise is minute.

That's what I named my pet Amphibian.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If you ask communists for the time, they'll never tell you the exact minute.

If you ask why they'll say: "It's all hours"

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonPupps
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to the pub and 35 minutes to walk back

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redditreader164
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I drew Β£30 out of the ATM earlier. A couple of minutes later I heard the sound of 'Nessun Dorma' coming from my wallet.

"Must be those three tenners" I thought to myself

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Weight a minute!!!
πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_By_Pun
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't know why but I laughed at this for like 5 minutes
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcz1739
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate last minute decisions about which frozen food should be for dinner.

They're never well thawed out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
When Thanos gets killed in the first 10 minutes in Endgame
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Polar_Eagle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been trying to use a boomerang for 30 minutes already...

And then it hit me

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Florinel787
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Its a five minute walk to my pub, but a 15 minute walk back

The difference is 3 reposts in a week

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAFlamingShark
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Grandma spent 20 minutes trying to find her glasses today...

It was a spectacle

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VamanaGG
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
It took me 5 minutes to come up with this joke but it takes 35 minutes for someone else to come up with this joke

The difference is reposting

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShunuJ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I was almost going to post a joke about penguins a few minutes ago.

Then I realized it just won’t fly.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A five minute walk from my house to the pub turns into a 35 minute walk back...

The difference is Staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TvV1ST3D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a 10 minute walk from my house to the bar but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do autobody repair shops boil their pasta for 45 minutes?

Because they don’t like it all denty.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/surgicalfunnel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
1/60 of an hour is very minute.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Benign_Banjo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
On the instructions of my ready meal it says "Rest for 5 minutes once cooked".

But I'm not tired at all.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in line for 15 minutes at McDonald’s when I finally received my BigMac Meal reddit.com/r/3amjokes/com…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wokwokcenter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of "night" was..

In the end I had to call it a day..

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buggaboobooy
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend completely mis-said something. 5 minutes of crappy mobile photoshop later....
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NarutoAteMyRamen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do communists call 120 minutes?

Ours

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aceofdarts68
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said she slept with 5 people before we met. I wouldn't mind but I was only 20 minutes late.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I caught my son smoking pot in the garage, and a few minutes later, my wife walked in.

She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but it’s been 45 minutes and they still haven’t turned up.
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I drank something at a bar and sang polka parodies for a good 15 minutes

That was some weird al cohol

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoruscareGames
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Just for a minute

Me: hm I thought I was 5:30 My husband: it was just for a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bishlett8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I went out drinking with my weaver friend, but he left after a few minutes.

He said he had a looming deadline.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I was really confused when Avengers: Endgame went on for longer than a minute.

"Twenty second film in the MCU" my ass.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nine_legged_stool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adc2502
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Thanks for calling the predatory animal lifting agency. We’ll be with you in a minute...

...Please hold the lion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/J_Sphere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I turn 21 in In 38 minutes and my nickname with my friends is β€œpickle” so how do I spend my birthday?

Well I β€œRelish” the moment obviously

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTexican11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 303
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HaydenJA3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChristopherLove
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/naimz27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s a 5 Minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 Minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/t3chnophile
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 20 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C4Mx3R0N
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
It takes me 5 minutes to walk to the pub, but 25 minutes to walk back...

...the difference is staggering!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runeglifberg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwinDaPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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