My second pun:

I was disappointed by my recent theatre trip the other day: I thought it was a comedy set in a hospital but turns out it was just a play on wards.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marpetpat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/c_lassi_k
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?

Because I want to know

πŸ‘︎ 262
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 27k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mooshoopork4
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
My wife says I second guess all of my decisions

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 221
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
The bass player of Red Hot Chili Peppers opened a second hand store

They're calling it the Flea Market

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be there on time.

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
What do you call the second girlfriend or boyfriend you ever had in your life?

A bae-B

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weedftw_69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
We moved to a second floor apartment with ceiling fans.

I can now say I have fans in high places.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UchihaSasuke019
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
So I wanted to buy my wife a nice yellow orchid for her birthday, but then I swapped it for a red rose in the last second...

You could say it was a quick change of plants

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I celebrated my thirty second birthday.

It just seems a little unfair that I only get half of a minute when everyone else gets the whole day.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/killerbuttonfly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
I'm having second thoughts about my appointment to stay at a Native American hotel.

I'm having reservation reservation reservation. (BR)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
It takes a second to understand- or I’m just special
πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_Young6138
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
We know the effects of second hand smoke are terrible.

Does anyone have peer reviewed studies on the effects of minute hand smoke?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Millenial
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
πŸ‘︎ 510
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coorotaku
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says β€œwhat happened? Onions can’t jump by themselves”

the first chef responds with β€œthey can if they’re spring onions”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebiunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
I was told I second guess myself too much..

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wedge001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
The best pen ever made will be the second to last ever made...

Because it would be penultimate.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?

It was refined.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
Dad got me good before, took a second sadly :s

Me; the moons almost full.

Dad; there's a plug at the bottom, drain it out.

Ffs.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cuntsack789
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
I can't find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.

It was here a minute ago

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
I just came second in my city's big bubble blowing competition

I came so close to winning but I blew it

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NateTheSimpleOne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
Why did the fisherman catch more on his second trip?

Because of his mussel memory

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Almazan__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
I bought a watch second hand today.

If I keep saving I'll be able to buy some other pieces too.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
I knew a guy who's best friend was a sea bird gifted by his dad's second wife.

It was his plover from another mother.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eak125
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
I came second in a dumpling eating contest...

...you dim sum, you lose some.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
What do you call the second tissue paper?

Kleenext

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
2 seconds after I planed something
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M1hajl0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
I've heard that after a beheading, one remains aware for a few seconds afterwards

If that ever happens to you, quit while you're ahead

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefrechiest_fry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the guy who got second place in that smoke machine design contest forgot how his prototype worked?

When they asked him about it, he said he didn’t have the foggiest idea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HuecoTanks
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.

Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zippysausage
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
My Second son was born in the car on the way to the hospital.

We named him Carson

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GeorgeDubyahKush
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
If I deadarm my brother once a second...

That one hertz.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zspratt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jDubbaYo
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
Why did the second-rate toy plastic brick maker become obsessed?

Because he just couldn’t Lego.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.

I said, β€œWell? 2B or not 2B?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Why does the second Sunday in May always make Shaft feel guilty?

He is a bad mother.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said β€œthanks, you’re a lifesaver!” The first one responded β€œactually I’m a KitKat”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I hung there, wondering if someone would cut me down at the last second.

The suspense was killing me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds

Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
How do you pronounce the acronym for the Second Home Habitation Helpers?

"SHHH" "What - I'm just trying to ask a question!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MunkyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
I can't find my Gone in 60 Seconds DVD...

I swear it was here just a minute ago.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BelgianRoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the yeast want a second phone?

Because like all yeast, he was a single-cell phone guy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stooftheoof
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
My friend is running for treasurer and needs to make an eight second video for the video announcing the candidates, any good quick money puns for that?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onherejustforfun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.

Poor bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stewbacca18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
My therapist tells me I always second guess myself

[Deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' DVD

It was here a minute ago

Edit : fixed the spelling

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akashdas323
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
Does Dr. Fauci believe in the 5 second rule...

Only time will tell

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nicksparx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
My math professor was late 16 minutes for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 219
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
It took me less than a second to smash a vinyl

Guess I broke the record

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyIsOnReddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
"Doctor please help, I've got 59 seconds to live!"

Doctor: " I'll be with you in a minute"

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I know how to catch fish, but I need a second person.

Someone has to throw them to me.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/13thmurder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.

It was a moment of brief indecision.

πŸ‘︎ 235
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maybejaeby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A man arrives at the hospital seconds after his wife gave birth to his son.

He was pronounced Dad On Arrival

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Catoenailsoup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
This took me a second
πŸ‘︎ 489
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMac_WiFi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?

Because he had one tract mined.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EurassesDragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
What are you happy to lose the first time, but devastated to lose a second time?

Teeth

Note: I know. Not the usual pun seen in this sub-reddit. More of a dad riddle.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeMainEvent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday

After half a minute they all went home.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
It took me a second...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just discovered what first, second, third and home plates were in baseball...

That's the bases of the sport.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
Took me a second
πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Pizza clerk: We have a special today - buy one pizza, get the second one free

Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?

The hip replacement guy!

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stonefly_C
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Captain Hook probably bought his hook from a second hand store
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I just realized how long 60 seconds is.

It took me a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?

It got pissed off the first time

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Genie: What is your first wish, John? John: I want to be rich Genie: Done, what is your second wish?

Rich: I need a lot of money

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
im buzz Aldrin,second man on the moon

Neil before me!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bribonzuelo92
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
I had a date with a history teacher, but I don’t think we’ll have a second one

She kept bringing up the past.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freakazoidd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to remember where I left my DVD of "Gone in 60 Seconds"

I swear I saw it just a minute ago.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
Hey do you have a second?

No there's only one of me

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Therenegadegamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Our second child, a boy, was nearly born on the drive over to the hospital.

At the time we were thinking of naming him Carson.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Tonight is the sixty second Grammy awards.

Finally, they’re gonna keep it short.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laymans_Terms19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
If you get this pun, you have saved me the time of writing a good title. And if you save me even one second, you have saved my day entire. v.redd.it/feo6wfvmmco31
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brystander
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor say to the patient who broke their foot for the second time?

I'll reboot you

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ucom1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Had to get a second job.

I just walk around the house turning off lights in unoccupied rooms. Doesn't pay much, but the job satisfaction is high.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xoxfxjx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.

"I'll never talk."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VNPimpinella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard second hand smoke was less dangerous..

So I started smoking with my left hand.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redrickfloats
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I always second guess my posts

[Deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are there in a year?

Google Assistant with the dad joke:

https://i.imgur.com/EUQ7TTF.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jasonrj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
That took me a second to get it.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: I'm having second thoughts about booking a week long stay at the teepee camp

Me: No, you're just having a reservation reservation reservation

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the fist plate say to the second plate?

Dinners on me Edit: sry adopt the typo

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coolman965
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said β€œthanks, you’re a lifesaver!” The first one responded β€œactually I’m a KitKat”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said β€œthanks, you’re a lifesaver!” The first one responded β€œactually I’m a KitKat”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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