I was disappointed by my recent theatre trip the other day: I thought it was a comedy set in a hospital but turns out it was just a play on wards.
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.
Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.
...really trumps the first one.
I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.
I told her it was because Ken came in another box.
Neil before me
It was here a minute ago.
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
Taken from fb
A minute passes
Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
It's a whole new take on Asian Fusion.
It's a minute tour.
Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
That'd be a different story all together.
Ya don’t say.
I hope she feels gelty.
Because I want to know
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
It's the Wurst-käse-scenario
You touch its BOO-bies.
He left disappointed
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
Because they were a Band-Aid
Neil before me.
Neil before me
Neil before me.
Neil before him.
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"