[request] Valentine’s Day puns with the name “jack”
My friends and I had a six day pun-fest with nothing but hair jokes. imgur.com/a/DocF1
My friend was throwing a “bisexual party” the other day. Puns ensued
Looking for those St Patrick's Day puns
I feel like I should tell some pi day puns.
I guess that may be a bit too irrational for me.
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
A farmer takes a rest on a bale of hay. “I love my job” he says aloud. A sheep replies “All you do is boss me around all day!” The farmer, clearly upset by this statement, responds “What did you just say??” The sheep replies:
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best...
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Atleast it made Sophie's day.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
This has to be the highlight of my day
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.
Yesterday was national sewing day..
Thought I'd derail your day.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
Approaching the house without a mask these days is just bush league.
So there was a protest the other day. Someone told a joke, and nobody could stop laughing. It was a riot.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done.
Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
First day of NYC kindergarten: kid1: are you from Queens?
Kid2: no, my parents are straight.
When you’re having one shell of a day
It's my cake day people say i have to post something funny
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park....
Now I'm feeling a little down.
Last week, I went from agony to ecstasy in a span of a few days.
At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in a month or so.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
How did T-Rex feel after bicep curl day?
I noticed an upside down 6 the other day.
I thought, “Wow, that’s odd.”
My friend sits around all day dreaming of making bread.
People will click any clickbait these days
I’m still single on Star Wars Day...
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Don't bother reading that "ultimate" workout blog. "You won't believe" their advice is just to walk 1,000 meters a day.
The other day my yoga instructor was drunk
It put me in quite an awkward position
So one day, my wife asked me to clear the table...
I needed a running start, but I did it.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
The other day I found a bunch of celery by my front door...
I think I’m being stalked.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
So many people are too judgmental these days...
I can tell just by looking at them
I found a vintage radio for sale the other day that was stuck on full volume.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.
I think he is slowly losing the plot...
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
A joke for Star Wars Day: What kind of car does a jedi drive?
A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
Which occupation is the safest these days?
This guy I know is paid to sit in an elevator and tell jokes all day.
I gotta say, his sense of humor has gotten higher these days.
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
You know what I hope happens to Laura Ingraham some day? She’s stuck in a shitty nursing home and asks someone to take her to the restroom, and they say...
I saw my dentist walking down the street the other day...
He was shaking his head and looking at his watch. He said I'm overdue for an appointment and that he has an opening today. I asked what time can I come in? He smugly replied "tooth hurty".
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries - $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
What is Roger Federer’s favorite time of day?
One day I sat down and ate a clock
It was very time consuming
Quarantine day 25: Found my husband working on the patio with his scroll saw. Yes. It's a scale model.
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I was sitting at home the other day when man broke in holding a block of cheese.
He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.
I was shocked to see the Memorial Day pool party videos from the south, but I can't really say I blame them...
Because Missouri loves company.
Cake day.... Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided.
Both crews are believed to be marooned.
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
*Cries in valentine's day*
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.
That problem's finally out of my hair.
Haven't been able to find the channel changer in a few days
It must be in a remote location
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...
I stopped seeing her for a while.
My partner is having a bad day at work, so I thought I would draw his favorite animal with a cute note.
Everyone acts like they’re so PC these days
But Mac sales have been going up!
Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.
Now I’m just dating myself
My dad was doing a crossword the other day, he shouted across the room, 'Help me with 11 down the clue is: Over worked Postman'. 'How may letters?' I asked.
You can order bathroom fixtures online and have someone at you door in a couple days ready to install it,
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?
Me: When I went to buy hotdogs on Memorial Day weekend they were all gone except these little ones.
My wife: Guess it was a Memorial Day for hotdogs then.
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
I bought some heavy wool socks the other day.
I was planning on returning them, but then I got cold feet.
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath...
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the fridge anyway...
Edit: I thunk up a better punchline.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over