One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
The other day I had to climb up some equipment at a cheese making factory.
I thought that it was strong enough to clamber up, but it ended up giving whey.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
A friend of mine makes good money selling camel’s milk, but he has to put up with surly camels all day.
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
A gambler visited rain forests every day and ended up getting penile cancer
I guess he was hitting the wrong sloths
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
So the police locked up a toddler the other day
Turns out he was resisting a rest
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
362 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up...
I met up with a couple mushrooms the other day
They where some pretty fun-gis
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.
When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Some days I wake up grumpy
But most days I let her sleep
Did anyone wake up Green Day?
Hi, I was specifically requested on this day, October 1st, to wake up Green Day. Did anyone wake up Green Day?
The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession
He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear “I’m a Loser Baby” for the third day in a row.
It was There and Beck again.
I picked up a clam the other day...
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it…
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, “Dad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”...
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
In the early days of Tesla, they had difficulties getting the CEO to show up on time to meetings, so they trained a puppy to find him and bark until he arrived...
...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".