Went to the zoo this morning and found a baguette in a cage.

Pretty sure it was bread in captivity.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...

... I haven't peed since last year!"

I couldn't be more proud

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.

Either way, the silver bullets worked.

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was grilling steak this morning...

Didn’t mean to wagyu up

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
I went to the first meeting of my premature ejaculator’s support group this morning..

Turns out it’s tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jo3p-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran into Bono this morning

He said "Don't push me, I'm close to the Edge".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irsh94
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....

So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.

While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobkirby12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Damn, I mist the morning post
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...

Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diehardpuns
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My wife told me it was really foggy this morning

But I must of mist it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I awoke this morning to a horrific stench coming from my daughter's crib. /r/TwoSentenceHorror/comm…
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevjonesin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.

I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"

I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
This happened with me today morning. My phone's headphone jack isn't working so I asked my dad what to do about it.

He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.

Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjalord25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all

I was like 0MG

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When is the best time in the morning to withdraw cash?

ATM

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...

I said: β€œIf you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So my friend just made my morning
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gilivanili
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

πŸ‘︎ 40k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my neighbor talking to her cat this morning...

It was clear she thought the cat understood her.

I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.

I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Monday mornings smh
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/According-Ad8779
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning

I said β€œI bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTombstoneswe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma had a terrible seizure this morning....

10kg of Cocaine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A conversation with my 11 year old this morning...

Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthCoffeeBean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the baker desperate in the morning?

Because he kneaded flour before the buyers arrived.

(Thanks, I will go now)

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Called the vets this morning...

Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.

It's been reported he could have done with another coat.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a busy morning at work, but had to take a poop...

I ain’t got time for this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I apologized to my toilet this morning.

He doesn’t even get paid, but he has to put up with all this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter ate a dvd this morning...

Was later released as a poo-ray

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bradleyh93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.

Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..

..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 430
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group

But it turns out that it’s tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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