Talk about morning wood
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghakazian
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
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Tiger Woods was in a car accident this morning...

I heard he hit a birdie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroshPresident
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Morning Wood, A5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CluKInCok
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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A little boy asks his dad, "Do trees poop?"

The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Navitach
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

β€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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My carpentry teacher didn't come to class today.

I guess morning wood was canceled.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Know the difference

Morning wood: An erection in the morning

Mourning Wood: Rocket Racoon in Avengers Infinity war and Endgame

Know the difference

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squish-Mahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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The tree was complaining about waking up a little stiff. I guess you could say he had...

Morning wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skididlydoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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I just realized that Groot must be the horniest being in the universe.

He wakes up every morning with wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/otl1970
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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What do you call a mace made from a tree?

Morning wood

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sou1_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Wife was not amused

Recently in my neck of the woods, we have been experiencing a cold snap. This morning, my wife set me up for a zinger.

Wife (dressing our 10 month old daughter): I don't know how to dress her.

Me: Shirt goes on the top half, pants on the bottom half.

Wife: No! I mean for the temperature!

Me: Oh! Honey I don't think the temperature cares what she wears today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neocontra
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
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A dad joke story

Jim was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands slippery with sweat and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes. No ambulences were available so he called a toe truck, but he got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached. He could not walk right, so he could not work. He got workers comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation. He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he may find an answer. It said "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters." Having nothing to lose he followed the instructions and reached the glade spoken of. There was a line drawn that said "wait here." And wait he did for over an hour, and just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice. So Jim related his tale of toe woes. After listening the many toed toad replied "Have you tried the supermarket?" Jim wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it: The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them. He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and jim ran off (little did Jim know that the toad croaked soon after) He was able to walk normal again, his wife came back, he got his job back and everyone lived happily ever after.

Oh the punch line? It's over there by the table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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Good Morning

So I was sleeping on a air mattress on a hand made bed made out of wood. (Camping with hunting buddies) When I woke the air mattress has deflated. Dad: Good morning how did you sleep? Me: I feel like I slept on wood all night. Dad: I did to then I rolled over. Every one in the cabin moans except for one chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Voices
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
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