It tasted waffle.
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.
A chill pill.
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
I thought to myself "I really should buy her a fry pan "
It's cold, that's why it's called a brrrr-ritto.
Me: What's "Outhoney"?
I ain’t afraid of no toast
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
..”But I have a sore throat.”
It was one hell of a good breakfast.
Badumm tss.
Husband: “It wasn’t crepe, it was toastered.”
He came over and saw this. I honestly don't know why he wasn't prepared for that.
They weren't w-awful.
"Does it affect the price?" I asked.
"No, not at all." she replied.
"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
“A frying pan. Duh!”
They really knocked it out of the park.
Wife: These eggs are the best! You're an egg professional.
Me: I'm an eggspert.
Girlfriend woke up this morning and threw up and is cramping badly, so she took pregnancy test. I've had kids, been through this before, but it came out negative. Her roommate had been joking about my gf being preggo before she left to get breakfast, so my wonderful woman hit her with this one:
Wife finally agreed to cook breakfast and asked "What kind of eggs do you want?" (How do I want them cooked?).
After pondering for a moment I responded: "I think Chicken eggs today".
By that time she was slicing a bagel with a knife and with a furrowed brow made threatening motions toward me with the knife... :-D
My Mom ordered eggs.
Server: "How would you like your eggs?"
Dad: "Easter style! Can you hide them for her?"
Classic, Dad. Classic.
So I said, "well, aren't you syrup-titious!"
My son asked me "Where's the chili powder?"
I replied "Right next to the Argentina powder."
To his credit, he slitted his eyes and intoned "I said 'chill-EE' powder, not 'chill-AY' powder, Dad."
"It isn't peeling well!"
It was synonym 'Toast'.
I could have done so much butter
Her: "this should be enough butter for your bagel" Me: "that's debageble"
She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
After a great steak & eggs + side dishes breakfast...
Wife: Man. I'm so great. Cooking requires more creativity and skill than baking. You're just reading measurements with baking. With baking, all you need is time - a lot of time.
Me: What about basil or rosemary?
Wife: Huh?
Me: Basil or rosemary?
Wife: Huh?
A few seconds later, she gets it, sighs, then laughs. A few more seconds later...
Wife: I can't believe you're still laughing at your own joke.
Q: Do you know what you would have if every car in the u.s. was pink? A: A pink carnation
Q: What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common? A: SandyClaws
Q: What do a plum and an elephant have in common? A: They're both purple except for the elephant.
Q: Do you know how you get down from an elephant? A: You don't... You get down from a goose.
Q: How do you if an elephant has been hiding in your fridge? A: there are footprints in the cheesecake.
There were dozens more....
Because I'm lactoast intolerant.
I walk in to pour a cup of coffee, and she looks at me and says, "Honey, I hope you don't go bacon my heart."
Had space jam on his toast
"Do you want some eggs honey?"
"No thanks, I'm not really a big egg person."
"Don't worry, these are regular sized eggs!"
"Eggcellent! Its eggactly what I wanted!"
Me: Honey, do you want some of these eggs?
Him: Nah, omelet you eat those.
I was sitting at the table eating breakfast and my dad walked up and dropped this one. How'd the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool
Me: oh my god! This cereal is soooo stale! Wife: what is it??? Me: Cheerios with ancient grains Wife: *head shaking *eye rolling
I ain't afraid of no toast.
This isn't my original work, but I think you of all people can best appreciate this.
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3178
