I told her it's okay, I can stop anytime.
Credit to @meetbuford on TikTok for this.
Gluten tag
She told me that she’s a woman. She has ovaries. And maybe that’s why she ovary acts.
“Hey bud.”
My wife looked up at me, "And...?"
"I guess I'm sorry for not telling you that you married a sans-vest-ite."
She stared blankly at me and then rolled her eyes.
Good morning messages are a good example of
Make hey while the sun shines
Ohio.
Me: Morning, What's up?
Dad: WE ARE! HAHAH
So we all went out to the bar !
How’s everyone been? I haven’t heard from you all year!
He told me we needed to clean out the toaster because "it was smoking."
I gasped - "It's not 18 yet!"
Dealing with a potentially sick four month old, trying to decide if he's got a cold or allergies.
Me: "Has his snot been clear or colored?"
Wife: "It hasn't been colored."
Me: "Well that's good, it's probably just allergies, then."
Wife: "Yeah, I guess you could say we're... in the clear."
I just looked at her in shock as she gave me the smuggest grin and a thumbs up.
I'm making hash browns and she says "we need to get a griddle".
My response, "yeah, maybe we can get a Hansell to go with it".
I may be sleeping on the couch tonight gents. Worth it.
Yesterday morning at 10am my kids came to wake me up for family day. I'd worked late the night before and I was pretty groggy and completely dehydrated.
Son: "Time to get up dad!"
Me: "I'll get up, but could you go grab my water bottle and put some cold water in it?"
(2 minutes pass while his sister jumps on my head)
Son (with special grin on his face): "Here you go, Dad."
(I take the bottle and cautiously take a sip. I get a little dribble of water and realize the whole thing is full of ice.)
Me: ...
Son: You asked for cold water, you didn't specify how cold.
Me: ...that's my boy.
I woke up to my nose randomly bleeding; it's done that erratically for years now. As I went to grab some tissue, my girlfriend woke up and said "Oh, you've got a bloody nose!" to which I responded "Of course I do - there's no need to swear about it!" Groaning ensued.
I work as a cashier and was ringing up an older gentleman's items for him.
Me: It's $8.30 sir.
Him: (looks up from his wallet and smiles) No it's only 8:01
I stared at him and giggled like a kid when I realized what happened. Made my day.
We're laying in bed and my hand finds her boob. Her- Why are you always grabbing my boobs? Me- I'm just being supportive.
She rolled her eyes so hard while I died of laughter
My dad used to wake me up by standing beside my bed and repeatedly saying, "Up and atom (at 'em). Up and proton. Up and electron. Up and molecule." Now he still does it when I'm home from college, and as I get harder to rouse, more subatomic particles.
He was going in to give his baby sister a kiss, but they've both been sick lately, so I said "Just on the forehead, buddy," to which he responded, "No, one head."
My wife and I are driving down the pothole-filled road to our daycare, which is in a church.
As we pull up, I say, "It's fitting that daycare is in a church, because this is a really holy road."
The resulting groan was proof that I have made it as a dad.
Mom: I'm gonna go take a shower. Dad: Where are you taking it to?
I can't believe I hadn't heard that one before...
We both got off shift in the am and we're hanging out and being cute when this transpired.
Me: I love you. Her: I hope so. Me: I wouldn't be here if I didn't. Her: Yeah you would, it's your house.
We both laugh. More so me to the point that she asked me if I'm okay.
I run a summer day camp for about 130 campers each day. This morning I woke up to a thunderstorm, and as a camp director, that meant all schedules and activities are out the window and something different had to be done.
I greeted all the campers at the morning assembly and said, "Looks like the rain has put a "damp"---er on things!"
It was met with resounding groans from the staff and older kids and a great giggle from the younger campers.
I was soooo proud!
I walk out to the car on the way to work, forgot my keys, so I run back inside. Mom looks up and asks what I forgot. I said, 'keys!' As I hurry past her in the kitchen. Without skipping a beat she replies " well you know those are a KEY factor in getting to work?"
My brother comes home from the army for the weekend. And my mother is talking with him about places to go eat. The convo went like this....
Bro - "I've heard that this restaurant does a military discount"
Mom - "Yeah they do, on a Tuesday"
Bro - "Why a Tuesday?"
Me - "Yeah, why'd they choose that day..."
a few seconds of silence before it hit them. And then groans and laughter. I was proud of that one.
Happy Martin Luther King Day, Junior!
We were having breakfast and after stirring his coffee he kept the spoon in his mug so it was leaning on the rim. Then he says "This coffee must not be very strong, it can't even hold the spoon upright!"
me: "Well, you should give it another chance. Halibut is really good!"
her: "I might just try that, you know, for the Halibut!"
So it begins.
While I was eating breakfast my roommate came out and asked, "Can I use your hair dryer? Mine sucks."
To which I, of course, have to respond, "Shouldn't it blow?"
She only rolled her eyes and walked away. I think this might have something to do with why she avoids me in public places.
Mom was in a hurry and said "Wow that was the fastest egg I ever ate."
Dad: "The fastest?! Good thing you caught it!"
So I was sleeping on a air mattress on a hand made bed made out of wood. (Camping with hunting buddies) When I woke the air mattress has deflated. Dad: Good morning how did you sleep? Me: I feel like I slept on wood all night. Dad: I did to then I rolled over. Every one in the cabin moans except for one chuckle
So I was in the shower with my girlfriend this morning, and I have one of those Moxie Bluetooth showerheads so I can stream music from my phone to my shower.
At different points during the song, I was (gently) playing the cowbell part on her butt, cymbals on her stomach, etc.
During the guitar solo, I picked up some of her wet hair and began strumming the notes along with the song. She gave me a nasty glare.
And then, it hit me.
"Sorry babe. I just can't help playing HAIR guitar during this song!"
The look she gave me....
