I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
I wasn't feeling well this morning...
So, I took my gloves off.
My Son came up to me this morning and said "Don't be sad".
Cuz "sad" backwards is "das". And das no good.
So proud
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
I made scrambled eggs this morning.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
...I don’t have time for this crap!
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
This morning my son said his ear hurt
I said "on the inside or outside?"
He walks out the front door, comes back in and says: "Both"
I saw a pet shop selling cats from Holland this morning
So I walked in and asked them....
..... How Dutch is that Moggie in the window!
My son video called me this morning
He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name then video?”
Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning.
But it was a load of rubbish.
This morning I saw an animal trailer transporting a few female sheep
I thought they were usually ram packed
Went out in rain this morning but got hit on the head with a car part.
It was raining Datsun Cogs.
My neighbor, Mr. Coffee, came stumbling into the police station this morning.
Apparently, he had been mugged.
This morning I had fried eggs, fried bread, fried potatoes and refried beans....
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
Tiger Woods was in a car accident this morning...
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
Have you heard the news? Willie Nelson died this morning.
He was playing on the road again.
This morning, the milkman threw milk at my face
Went to the zoo this morning and found a baguette in a cage.
Pretty sure it was bread in captivity.
I was making crumpets this morning and my wife asked me “how did you make them?”
“Well, I asked them nicely.” - I replied.
Jack was greeted by several people this morning.
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
I don’t know what way I should prepare my eggs for breakfast this morning.
I am having an eggsistential crisis, here.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
The guy who invented Velcro died this morning
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...
... I haven't peed since last year!"
I couldn't be more proud
I stepped on some Cheerios this morning
Does that make me a cereal killer?
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....
So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.
While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."
I was so proud.
I was racing my daughter to school this morning and I was winning.
She said that I was ahead, and I laughed when I told her “no, I’m a dad.”
This morning, I mistakenly deleted my hair
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
I managed to do 60 push-ups this morning
I went to the first meeting of my premature ejaculator’s support group this morning..
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
I was grilling steak this morning...
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...
Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!
My wife told me it was really foggy this morning
I wasn't feeling well this morning....
So, I took my gloves off.
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