Coming up with names for periods of time is really tiring.
The people who originally did it tried to figure out a word for a 24 hour period until sunset.
Then they just gave up and called it a day.
What happens when someone is put on hold for a long period of time?
What do historians call the period of time in which many parents left their infant children behind?
My wife can only breastfeed our baby for short periods of time.
Her doctor says it’s because of her short term mammary.
What do you call back pain from being on social media for long periods of time?
My wife always make a big deal out of her periods .
I'd say she is ovary-acting .
What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?
Because it was the time of knights.
What do you call the time period between the Bronze and Iron Ages where humans learned to cure meat?
A good pun requires periodic timing
When I was a single man, I had tons of free time.
Now that I started listening to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Periodically, I find a funny pun.
Ever heard about the woman who only did rap battles, when she was on her menstrual period?
They said she had a mean flow.....
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
What is a Dentist's favorite time of the day?
Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.
I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that?
Without a pause, she says: Depends
In the best Dadjoke move of all time..
Stephen King actually named his son Joe.
down under the periodic table.
There's just no reason for women to behave the way they do when they're on their period....
The seating columns at my church are going through a period of awkward changes...
***Pew***berty, in other words.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
Doctor, Doctor, every time I take a picture of myself, the bottom of the picture is always foggy. It’s making me really fed up.
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
If a belt made of watches is a waist of time...
Then a belt that has a diagram of the solar system must be a waist of space.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Every time we go to the putting green, my friend has to bring along a bag of Pringles to munch on...
He always wants to practice his chipping.
I think space exploration is a waste of time.
There are many better things to do for leisure than stare at a computer keyboard all day.
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
Once upon a time at the opposite of the beginning
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
As a guitarist, I'm usually asked what's my favorite solo of all time.
It gets very hard to pick
I saw a pack of gummy worms that said “No artificial flavor.”
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
Best way to keep track of epic times!
One time I posted 10 jokes in a row, hoping at least one would make Dads laugh on r/dadjokes
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
What is the best kept secret of all time?
Well why would I tell you
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
Doc, every time I smell Mexican food my heart races.
Doc: Sounds like tacocardia.
Here’s my favourite politically incorrect joke of all time.
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest American President.
What time of the day are you most productive?
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
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