A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

..... oof !!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.

I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
what did the farmer say to the cow at night ?

its pasture bed time

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdyAsian12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Dad, do you know why it’s so dark at night?

No sun

EDIT: oh my god 1k upvotes! THIS like, tripled my post karma. You guys are incredible. Much love!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evil_Chef
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into my garage last night, stole my tools and stuff, but I can't believe they took my limbo stick too.

Seriously..how low can you go ?

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.

But they had naan.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Prom Night

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
I helped my wife drain the pasta last night...

Sieve-alry is not dead.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.

Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'

'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

πŸ‘︎ 423
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FadiCh2002
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
I tried to open a night club called erectile dysfunction

It was a huge flop ...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snellenpaul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...

The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that again, I could've killed myself!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nagitoe_
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Every night I see the ghost of a chicken spirit

I have a hen-ted house.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Last night I made fish tacos /r/Jokes/comments/npk106/…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/russellsubedi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night,

I might need a space heater.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cI0ks
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
I dreamt I was a muffler last night..

I woke up exhausted

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillaVibesXO
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night

First I was afraid, I was petrified

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuseMan_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
I decided to make a custard last night, and it was awesome!

I love it when a flan comes together.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2723brad2723
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
What type of fish only comes out at night?

A starfish

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said

"Wire you insulate"

And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"

This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.

(We're not grading for quality here, right?)

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthofoldage
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...

I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leparr
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
I couldn't sleep last night so I read a dictionary

By 03:00 I was past caring.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won Β£250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....

I'm no longer covered.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
My wrist hurts every night at 8:50

My doctor says I have a case of ten-to-ninetis.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kvothe7766
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
A storm blew away 75% of my roof last night...

f

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NepoMi
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
Just went camping last night. It was in-tents.

I'm sorry it's bad

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
Every Satutday night my wife and I watch 3 movies back to back.

This week is my turn to face the screen.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBrianWeldon
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
What do you call Russian night vision goggles that don't work?

Nyet vision goggles.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuervolyer
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily

Guess she just wasn’t a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thrilla999
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
I went camping and one night, a bear ate through my arrow holster. Luckily, my bow and arrows are still intact.

I'm not sure where the bear went, so I'm now quivering in my boots.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathapples
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.

Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moose_Winchester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a pet horse named Mayo, and he keeps me up at night...

all throughout the night, Mayo neighs :(

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notwutiwantd
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover.

πŸ‘︎ 314
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
I've booked a nice table for me and my wife this Friday night

I hammered her five frames to nil last time.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Stayed in a hotel with a gay ghost last night

It really put the willy's up me....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Regret-Superb
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.

The bill was huge.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
My partner and I watched Interstellar last night. She said the movie was over her head.

I replied, "Of course it's over your head! It's in space!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Why is Arizona really loud outside at night?

It’s the β€œSnorin” Desert.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bexbeee
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
I grilled a chicken for two hours last night.

Still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Penguino911
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
My poppa told me the key to 50 years of marriage with my G-ma was a date night, once every month.

It just gets harder and harder to find a date every month.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacobk24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
My wife woke me up in the middle of the night

She whispered in my ear, "our children are asleep do what you want"

I then went back to sleep

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarguyF1
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report

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