I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
I had a Pelican curry the other night.
The food was ok but the bill was enormous.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
What kind of horses only come out at night?
A real conversation I had last night
Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)
Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”
Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.
John Travolta tested negative for covid last night.
turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever!
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
Why don’t you ever see normal houses at night?
Because they turn into warehouses
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
I stayed up all night last night...
And then it dawned on me.
My fiancée pulled a fast one on me last night while we were talking
Talking about our dog, Baxter, who is deaf, a little clumsy, and a big goofball
Her: You know, maybe he does have some neurological issues.
Me: Maybe. But we wouldn’t know for sure unless we get a CAT-scan, and we’re too poor for that.
Her: Well, in this case it would be a DOG-scan, right?
Last night my friend's bakery burned down
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.
I said to myself, that’s a little condescending
If we're not supposed to eat at night...
Why do they put a light in a fridge?
I robbed a cookery shop last night...
To make it big, you've got to take some whisks.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was,
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Thieves broke into my house last night. I'm delighted.
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....
So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....
From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.
I couldn't watch last night's origami show
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...
My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
Why was the night Jesus was born so quiet?
Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad 🤣🤣)
What did Adam say the night before Christmas?
When I was single I had this one night stand
But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her he’s all right.
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
I got an STD after a one night stand
It was a fun-gal infection
Started reading a book last night...
I was so excited to finally this book! It’s a book about anti gravity.
I couldn’t put it down!
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
My wife and I watched 3 movies back to back last night.
Luckily I was the one facing the screen.
Last night I was dreaming I was swing in a ocean of Fanta...
but turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
I lost my pizza cutter last night...
so I used my Bryan Adams CD, it cuts like a knife
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
