What do you call a horse that only goes out at night?
A nightmare.
-courtesy of my kindergartner
I went out with a girl the other night, she wore this real slinky dress...
She looked great going down the stairs.
What do you call an Irish man who stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture.
Have a Happy St. Paddy's Day and stay safe!
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
What kind of horses only come out at night?
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
What did the director of the stage production of Cinderella say, after the lead called out sick before opening night?
Get the understudy, the shoe, must go on!
I never really knew my dad. Mom said he would be out at the bank all night.
She said he was a real loaner.
What does the queen do before a night out?
Ensure her legs are queen shaven...
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun went
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Despite curfews in place around the county, cops are out all night clubbing.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
This morning my wife said "I think the power went out last night."
I said "should we ground it?"
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night?
Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
Our electricity went out last night.
We were powerless to stop it.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good! Turns out...
...that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
A psychic dwarf broke out of prison last night
Authorities are looking for a small medium at large.
My parents went out last night, came home like at 2 am
Last night I dreamt about working out and having big arms.
But those were just pipe dreams
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"
Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...
My wife found out last night that I had swapped our double bed for a 14 foot round trampoline...
First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.
A teenager's car won't start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.
Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.
The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.
"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"
"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon.
I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork.
What does a group of doe do for a fun night out?
They go downtown and blow a few bucks
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
What's Irish and stays out all night?
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went
I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened to the sun.
Had a dream last night that I was drowning in a orange soda sea...Took me awhile to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I dreamed about dying in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
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