Local pastry chef brings nightly donations to food shelter
Not all heroes wear crepes
My daughter has been frightened lately, because I've been waking up nightly, screaming from a bad dream. (It's a dream in which I'm forced to eat Indian food for every meal...)
I told her it's just a recurrying nightmare.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
what did the farmer say to the cow at night ?
Dad, do you know why it’s so dark at night?
No sun
EDIT: oh my god 1k upvotes! THIS like, tripled my post karma. You guys are incredible. Much love!
Someone broke into my garage last night, stole my tools and stuff, but I can't believe they took my limbo stick too.
Seriously..how low can you go ?
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
Prom Night
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
I helped my wife drain the pasta last night...
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I tried to open a night club called erectile dysfunction
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that again, I could've killed myself!
Dad: "You were ado...."
Daughter: "I was adopted?"
Dad: "You were adorable as a baby!"
Daughter: "Oh!!"
Dad: "That's why we adopted you. "
Every night I see the ghost of a chicken spirit
I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night,
I might need a space heater.
I dreamt I was a muffler last night..
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
What type of fish only comes out at night?
I decided to make a custard last night, and it was awesome!
I love it when a flan comes together.
I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...
I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
I couldn't sleep last night so I read a dictionary
By 03:00 I was past caring.
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
My wrist hurts every night at 8:50
My doctor says I have a case of ten-to-ninetis.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Just went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Every Satutday night my wife and I watch 3 movies back to back.
This week is my turn to face the screen.
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily
Guess she just wasn’t a keeper
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What do you call Russian night vision goggles that don't work?
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
I went camping and one night, a bear ate through my arrow holster. Luckily, my bow and arrows are still intact.
I'm not sure where the bear went, so I'm now quivering in my boots.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
I have a pet horse named Mayo, and he keeps me up at night...
all throughout the night, Mayo neighs :(
I've booked a nice table for me and my wife this Friday night
I hammered her five frames to nil last time.
Stayed in a hotel with a gay ghost last night
It really put the willy's up me....
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.
My partner and I watched Interstellar last night. She said the movie was over her head.
I replied, "Of course it's over your head! It's in space!"
Why is Arizona really loud outside at night?
It’s the “Snorin” Desert.
A storm blew away 75% of my roof last night...
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
