Local pastry chef brings nightly donations to food shelter
Not all heroes wear crepes
My daughter has been frightened lately, because I've been waking up nightly, screaming from a bad dream. (It's a dream in which I'm forced to eat Indian food for every meal...)
I told her it's just a recurrying nightmare.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Our house got hit with a pretty big storm last night and I lost 25% of my roof.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.
I went to a cannibal restaurant last night...
I had a horrible nightmare about earthquakes last night
Last night I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night
There would be MASS confusion
What kind of girl is creamy and keeps you up all night?
Dreamed I was a muffler last night…
Last night I accidentally swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles...
This mornings trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!!!
Have you heard about the lions that escaped from the circus last night?
I heard they went straight to the juggler
I have a cricket in my heater closet who sings all night long
I mean, he's no Lionel Richie, but he's not half bad.
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun went
I’ve been learning to barbecue and grill meats. Last night was the first time I tried to smoke a turkey.
It was awfully hard to get it into the pipe.
My girlfriend asked me how my night was
I told her I don't know, I slept through it.
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever
(Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
My 4 year old daughter came crying that she couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Apparently, my 2 year old son threw them in fire last night for fun.
Night of the shipping dead next door and all I get are pun of the mill jokes
late night when i need your love
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
My wife and I exchanged silverware the first night we met.
Forked on the first date.
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
My best friend's bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
Last night my wife threw me in the pool
I had some pretty wet dreams
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH.....
A friend of mine got a STD from a one night stand.
You could say that he got screwed over.
Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant last night?
Battered Fish Everywhere!
So my wife made Middle Eastern falafels last night and I got her with this one, while speaking to my daughter.
“Do you feel alright? Gosh I don’t know what your mom put in these things, but I falafel.”
(Falafel —> “feel-awful”)
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.
Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!
My girlfriend tried giving me some flatfish last night instead of cod!
I don't greet people at night.
I make hey while the sun shines.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
I dreamt I was massless the other night
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Do you know what is used to provide vision at night at school playgrounds?
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...
How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
Did you hear about the storms that hit the boy scouts at camp last night ?
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
Someone robbed a Windex factory the other night.
Police are looking into it, but it looks like the crooks made a clean getaway.
I made up a song about my vegetarian dinner last night
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
Last night I watched a documentary on how ships are made.
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...
it was an ironclad alibi!
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night?
Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.
"How long were you asleep last night?" asked my therapist, assessing my face.
"Same as usual," I replied. "About five foot ten."
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What happens when you dream on a rainy night?
Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"
She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").
Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"
I've never been so proud of her.
This morning my wife said "I think the power went out last night."
I said "should we ground it?"
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.
Despite curfews in place around the county, cops are out all night clubbing.
I had my first date last night.
What an underrated fruit.
Scrooge awakens in the night to an apparition; he asks: “Who are you?” His dead gastroenterologist responds:
“I am the ghost of gasses passed.”
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
I got my first senior discount at the seafood restaurant last night.
It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
What do you call someone who's only interested in one night stands?
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring...
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Last night there was a break-in at the pencil factory, theives stole everything...
...police are still looking for leads.
I only eat sweets at night
Because I love dark chocolate
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
My wife got mad at me for have sexual affairs with inanimate objects
I told her it was one night stand...
My house got broken into last night and they stole over 100 cans of red bull..
I don’t know how they sleep at night
Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted…”
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.
Dreamed I was a muffler last night...
Last night I had a dream I was a car muffler
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler
Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler
I had a nightmare that I was a muffler last night
I was up all night wondering where the sun went
I dreamt I was chasing a car all night
Dreamt I was a muffler last night..
A Lysol factory was robbed last night.
I hear they made a clean getaway.
I spent all night wondering where the sun went...
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
What does a robot do on a one night stand...
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