Went to the zoo this morning and found a baguette in a cage.
Pretty sure it was bread in captivity.
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...
... I haven't peed since last year!"
I couldn't be more proud
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I was grilling steak this morning...
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
My favorite part of the morning is the sound of pouring coffee into my metal thermos
It’s the little tings in life, ya know?
I went to the first meeting of my premature ejaculator’s support group this morning..
I ran into Bono this morning
He said "Don't push me, I'm close to the Edge".
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....
So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.
While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."
I was so proud.
Damn, I mist the morning post
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...
Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!
My wife told me it was really foggy this morning
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.
Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"
This happened with me today morning. My phone's headphone jack isn't working so I asked my dad what to do about it.
He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.
When is the best time in the morning to withdraw cash?
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
So my friend just made my morning
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I saw my neighbor talking to her cat this morning...
It was clear she thought the cat understood her.
I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.
Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.
I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that?
Without a pause, she says: Depends
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”
Why was the baker desperate in the morning?
Because he kneaded flour before the buyers arrived.
(Thanks, I will go now)
My grandma had a terrible seizure this morning....
A conversation with my 11 year old this morning...
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt.
Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt.
Son: gives me a blank look
Me: It's holy!
I have a busy morning at work, but had to take a poop...
I ain’t got time for this shit.
Called the vets this morning...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
I apologized to my toilet this morning.
He doesn’t even get paid, but he has to put up with all this shit.
My daughter ate a dvd this morning...
Was later released as a poo-ray
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..
..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group
But it turns out that it’s tomorrow
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