5 hour pun battle with my dad over text
πŸ‘︎ 960
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Malian_Carver
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.

That’s why it’s called a β€œPandemic”.

πŸ‘︎ 859
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....

i shit you knot!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mznalouise22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
A school collapsed on itself during school hours. When did it happen?

After math.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsonDaSushiChef
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jojothejewman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
Took me an hour to draw this and it was worth it
πŸ‘︎ 468
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Butterytoast_07
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting

I informed my wife that we had ourgrains

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
From sunrise to sunset, I couldn't remember the name for a 24 hour time period. I finally did.

Then I called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.

Now that's what I call seizing the day.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
During this quarantine, many people have gotten new hobbies to pass the hours.

These are trying times.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Calcium
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?

I’m bready.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
Just burned 2,000 calories in 2 hours

That’s the last time I leave my brownies in the oven while I’m at work

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkalan64
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
I just spent 5 hours watching videos of circles spinning.

It was completely pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Hard_Feelings_
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous when I'm putting in 70+ hours..

every single year

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?

Son up to son down.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boilerup4444
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a joke about some soda, but I left it for a few hours

Safe to say the joke fell flat

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GOATYGOATZ
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
I've spent the last 8 hours spreading manure by hand

Should have used a shovel really

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adamycrossy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
My daughter's tired of the jokes... After hours of dad jokes she asked me to leave her a loan.

Years later and the loan is worth $23,000

She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
I was on safari last year and spoke to a native African girl for hours

We just clicked

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him β€œHow come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œI’ve been looking for my datebook for hours. Have you seen it?”

Me: It looks like..... you have a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
It took me 2 hours to make a PB&J sandwich.

They keep saying, SLOW THE SPREAD!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_WES_ome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
The other day, I saw a roller rink that charged only 50 cents an hour.

I thought, β€œWow, what a cheapskate!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xgold4428
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
On Earth Hour, we'd like to shed some light...

on the importance of saving energy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
I made a belt entirely by braiding together herbs that I found in my pantry. It took me about five hours.

What a waist of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boris_keys
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call a portion of fish that lasts for 24 hours?

A Daytona.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/esma3ell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
It used to bug me that all my clocks only displayed hours and minutes.

Then someone told me about second-hand stores!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/urbanek2525
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
I’d be trawling for hours 😏
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Austin1742
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when it takes more than 24 hours to see any election results?

Electile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidSnake13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee

Better latte than never I suppose

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
At the bar last night, sat and talked with a nice girl from Africa for hours in her native language ...

... we just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
I ran for an hour today and lost one pound!

Maybe I should take the money out of my pockets next time.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
My father had this incredible catch phrase that left me and my brothers speechless for hours every day

The phrase was: "good night"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorettooooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, β€œWait! I can change!”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A girl I’m dating owns a bakery and works long hours. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
At what hour do you go to the dentist?

At tooth-hurty

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pol_lesa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Why did John Snow stand in line for 6 hours at Apple store?

For the watch!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/str33techie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
I’ve been passing gas for hours

Maybe it’s time to pull off and fill up the tank.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Kid_Mad_City
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me what I do for hours at a time at the beauty school library. I replied ...

... eye brows.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0618033989
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I just spent 3 hours taking apart watches and trying to string them together.

Just realised it was a waist of time

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LilPianoBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
What did the one NASA scientist say to the other as the hour neared noon?

Launch is on me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."

My first official dad joke.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.

So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I just spent three hours attaching a bunch of watches together to make a belt.

I’ve just realized it’s a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours

They called it a day

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RaptorDesign
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
After attempting for five hours to get this fence post to stand upright, I've finally realized

This is a shit post

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/5lash3r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.

Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A truckload of doorframe parts spilled out on the highway during rush hour...

It caused a big traffic jamb.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
spent +15 hours on this drawing just for pun
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skitz-m8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
2020 is 12 hours away

I see great things on the horizon!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobo311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I never wanted to go to the docks, but after my friends pestered me for an hour I finally gave into pier pressure
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
It takes me 10 mins to walk to the pub but an hour to walk back.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BenisbacK_1900
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pirate who set sail over 12 hours ago?

Long Gone Silver

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AScotHasNoName
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
After a long hour of deep internal reflection
πŸ‘︎ 471
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fakyu2
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Please help. What does this pun mean? I've been staring at it for 3 hours. Friend who went to Crete.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nipstarblaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken go to KFC during lunch hour with a baseball bat?

It wanted to beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I plan to open a 24 hour Chinese restaurant.

I’m going to name it Wok Around the Clock.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RichyCigars
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get after playing a lute for 10 hours straight?

Minstrel cramps.

Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.)

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I just sat next to a baby on a 12 hour flight. I had no idea that someone could cry for 12 hours straight.

Even the baby seemed impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…

And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road…

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I talked to my psychologist about my growing fears about death for an hour..

He said my time was up.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
It came to me in an hour of darkness
πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrum7000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?

Call it a day

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
It takes 4000 hours to become a master of cheese

I reckon after 2000 you become cheese bored.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road at 100 miles per hour?

Because she was a fast mother clucker!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
It took me two hours, but I finally wove a belt out of herbs yesterday. Never again.

It was a waist of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What type of doctor works after hours?

An On-Call-ogist

πŸ‘︎ 134
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....

When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth rotate after 24 hours

so they decided to call it a day

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a custom made suit the other day in less than an hour.

The man who made it was Tailor Swift

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckingFigh90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Hosted a gender reveal for my pal, it was a cookout after a couple hours they asked when are you going to tell us the gender?

What do you mean? It’s a grill.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WisemenGaming
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to see how much flatbread I could eat in an hour

But after 30 minutes, I pita’d out

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Redkingror
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Officer: "Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"

Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
After hours of searching, I’m happy to say I tracked down my brides beloved pet dolphin...

Finally, I found my wife’s porpoise

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/campanaconqueso
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I was a dad for less than 24 hours when I came up with this one

We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva.

I responded with, β€œMore like a preemie-Donna”

The wife groaned and rolled her eyes.

The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU.

I made it, fellas.

Oh, and mom and baby are doing well!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Every morning at 3am, I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s why they call it the wee hours of the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProcesSherpa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
1/60 of an hour is very minute.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Benign_Banjo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
So, I went on a date with this dolphin. We really hit it off. We talked for hours.

We just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flame__Boy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My flight was delayed an hour, but we got to our destination on time.

Our pilot must have been flying.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hknewt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"

I'm looking for the expiration date.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brisquet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked β€œDo I look fat in this?”

I said β€œWell yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a lady at the mall that does clothing alterations in less than 2 hours.

Her name is Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours

they called it a day

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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