5 hour pun battle with my dad over text
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....
A school collapsed on itself during school hours. When did it happen?
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
Took me an hour to draw this and it was worth it
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting
I informed my wife that we had ourgrains
From sunrise to sunset, I couldn't remember the name for a 24 hour time period. I finally did.
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
During this quarantine, many people have gotten new hobbies to pass the hours.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
Just burned 2,000 calories in 2 hours
That’s the last time I leave my brownies in the oven while I’m at work
I just spent 5 hours watching videos of circles spinning.
It was completely pointless.
I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous when I'm putting in 70+ hours..
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
I was going to tell a joke about some soda, but I left it for a few hours
Safe to say the joke fell flat
I've spent the last 8 hours spreading manure by hand
Should have used a shovel really
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
My daughter's tired of the jokes... After hours of dad jokes she asked me to leave her a loan.
Years later and the loan is worth $23,000
She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3
I was on safari last year and spoke to a native African girl for hours
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
My wife said, “I’ve been looking for my datebook for hours. Have you seen it?”
Me: It looks like..... you have a hidden agenda.
It took me 2 hours to make a PB&J sandwich.
They keep saying, SLOW THE SPREAD!
The other day, I saw a roller rink that charged only 50 cents an hour.
I thought, “Wow, what a cheapskate!”
On Earth Hour, we'd like to shed some light...
on the importance of saving energy.
I made a belt entirely by braiding together herbs that I found in my pantry. It took me about five hours.
What do you call a portion of fish that lasts for 24 hours?
It used to bug me that all my clocks only displayed hours and minutes.
Then someone told me about second-hand stores!
I’d be trawling for hours 😏
What do you call it when it takes more than 24 hours to see any election results?
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee
Better latte than never I suppose
At the bar last night, sat and talked with a nice girl from Africa for hours in her native language ...
I ran for an hour today and lost one pound!
Maybe I should take the money out of my pockets next time.
My father had this incredible catch phrase that left me and my brothers speechless for hours every day
The phrase was: "good night"
My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.
I said, “Wait! I can change!”
A girl I’m dating owns a bakery and works long hours. I don’t think it’s going to work out.
At what hour do you go to the dentist?
Why did John Snow stand in line for 6 hours at Apple store?
I’ve been passing gas for hours
Maybe it’s time to pull off and fill up the tank.
My wife asked me what I do for hours at a time at the beauty school library. I replied ...
I just spent 3 hours taking apart watches and trying to string them together.
Just realised it was a waist of time
What did the one NASA scientist say to the other as the hour neared noon?
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
I just spent three hours attaching a bunch of watches together to make a belt.
I’ve just realized it’s a waist of time.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
After attempting for five hours to get this fence post to stand upright, I've finally realized
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
A truckload of doorframe parts spilled out on the highway during rush hour...
It caused a big traffic jamb.
spent +15 hours on this drawing just for pun
2020 is 12 hours away
I see great things on the horizon!
I never wanted to go to the docks, but after my friends pestered me for an hour I finally gave into pier pressure
It takes me 10 mins to walk to the pub but an hour to walk back.
The difference is staggering.
What do you call a pirate who set sail over 12 hours ago?
After a long hour of deep internal reflection
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said “I’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said “What are you going to do now?” ...
“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.
I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
Please help. What does this pun mean? I've been staring at it for 3 hours. Friend who went to Crete.
Why did the chicken go to KFC during lunch hour with a baseball bat?
It wanted to beat the crowd.
I plan to open a 24 hour Chinese restaurant.
I’m going to name it Wok Around the Clock.
What do you get after playing a lute for 10 hours straight?
Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.)
I just sat next to a baby on a 12 hour flight. I had no idea that someone could cry for 12 hours straight.
Even the baby seemed impressed.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road…
I talked to my psychologist about my growing fears about death for an hour..
It came to me in an hour of darkness
What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?
It takes 4000 hours to become a master of cheese
I reckon after 2000 you become cheese bored.
Why did the chicken cross the road at 100 miles per hour?
Because she was a fast mother clucker!!
It took me two hours, but I finally wove a belt out of herbs yesterday. Never again.
What type of doctor works after hours?
True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth rotate after 24 hours
so they decided to call it a day
I got a custom made suit the other day in less than an hour.
The man who made it was Tailor Swift
Hosted a gender reveal for my pal, it was a cookout after a couple hours they asked when are you going to tell us the gender?
What do you mean? It’s a grill.
I wanted to see how much flatbread I could eat in an hour
But after 30 minutes, I pita’d out
Officer: "Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"
Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
After hours of searching, I’m happy to say I tracked down my brides beloved pet dolphin...
Finally, I found my wife’s porpoise
I was a dad for less than 24 hours when I came up with this one
We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva.
I responded with, “More like a preemie-Donna”
The wife groaned and rolled her eyes.
The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU.
I made it, fellas.
Oh, and mom and baby are doing well!
Every morning at 3am, I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s why they call it the wee hours of the morning.
1/60 of an hour is very minute.
So, I went on a date with this dolphin. We really hit it off. We talked for hours.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
My flight was delayed an hour, but we got to our destination on time.
Our pilot must have been flying.
My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"
I'm looking for the expiration date.
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked “Do I look fat in this?”
I said “Well yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.
There's a lady at the mall that does clothing alterations in less than 2 hours.
Her name is Tailor Swift.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.