My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.
They decided to call it a day.
After hours of trying, I finally got the lid off a can
My son asked me, “Because of the pandemic, I’m on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?”
Me: That can’t be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
"Where the heck have you been for the last 2 hours?"
"I went to have my hair cut."
"But ! You're on company time."
"Well, my hair grows on company time."
I just spent 3 hours vacuum up spiders in the basement
And this ungrateful woman has the nerve to tell me “that’s not what I meant when I said I want you to clean out my cobwebs”
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland.
My lactose intolerant friend had some cheese at the beginning of our eight hour road trip today...
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...
Business has been Brisk, baby!
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
An hour before 5 in the morning is the best time to cook a sweet potato.
If my toddler misbehaves I sentence him to an hour in the
I taught my kid to speed read today. He read Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone in 3 hours!
I know its only 6 words.. but its a start!
A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........
.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road…
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
I've been searching in this map for the past hour...
And I can't seem to find country music.
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
Early scientists would watch the world spin for 24 hours...
Then they got bored and called it a day.
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
After waiting for an hour at the doctor's office the nurse came by and said sorry for the wait...
To which I replied, "No problem, I'm patient."
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
God finished creating the 24-hour cycle on Earth...
...with both darkness and light taking turns. He admired his hard work with a smile and a sigh. An angel asked him “What’s wrong, Lord?” God replied “I think I’m gonna call it a day.”
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
Wasted 4 hours in the ER this morning getting a mole checked out.
Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.
During this quarantine, many people have gotten new hobbies to pass the hours.
From sunrise to sunset, I couldn't remember the name for a 24 hour time period. I finally did.
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
I've spent the last 8 hours spreading manure by hand
Should have used a shovel really
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
My wife asked me what I do for hours at a time at the beauty school library. I replied ...
I never wanted to go to the docks, but after my friends pestered me for an hour I finally gave into pier pressure
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
My daughter's tired of the jokes... After hours of dad jokes she asked me to leave her a loan.
Years later and the loan is worth $23,000
She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3
The other day, I saw a roller rink that charged only 50 cents an hour.
I thought, “Wow, what a cheapskate!”
I was watching the rotation of the Earth, but I got bored after 24 hours.
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
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