Sir Good, what do people say to you when you leave in the evening?

Good Knight

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening...

He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
My son is playing the clarinet for a school concert this evening

It’s a good thing his bedroom is soundproof

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mercolorecords
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
I had to put my dog down this evening.

People had enough of me carrying it around.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
I was very proud of myself all evening...

My wife and I are on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.

She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"

And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"

Believe or not she actually laughed at this one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EskimoJake
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I asked my girlfriend if she was free this evening

Her response: "Sure-- if you're buying dinner."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
That's all. Enjoy your evening all.
πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
This evening, everyone remember to relax and sit in front of the TV

Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaff800
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend β€œWhy I have to change my position every time?”

He replies β€œI know, this sub is full of reposts”

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, my son got an A in math and beat up another kid later in the evening...

I guess he went from being X-elent to Y-elent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insolent_imp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I was trapped between 2 empty shelves when the grocery closed for the evening...

I was stranded in a deserted aisle...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lady of the evening only interested rear maneuvers?

Q: What do you call a lady of the evening only interested rear maneuvers?

A: A back ho.

I'll show myself out

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My dogs and cats have to be home at a certain time every evening

I set a curfew for my fur crew.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oatflake
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."

"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.

"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muchacho1994
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Him: I'm taking the canine for an evening stroll around the neighborhood. Her: Why don't you just say you're taking the dog for a walk?

Dog: * Goes absolutely nuts *

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Was trying to impress a fine looking lady just the other evening, and I told her people call me "X".

She asked me why, and I had honestly not expected it-- so I panicked and went, "I dunno, "Z"?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hell2go
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The only thing more depressing than Sunday evening..

Is a Satur-day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I just woke up from a dream where I was being terrorized by a feral female horse every evening

It was a real recurring night mare.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Got the preemptive reversal from my own father this evening. Sign of a true master.

We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:

"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"

Smooth Dad, real smooth.....

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spyrulfyre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A string is walking home one Friday evening after a long week at work

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.

He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.

The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannaBrained
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Server: And how did you find your steak this evening?

Customer: Oh it was easy, I just looked under the parsley

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylea12345
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I spent most of yesterday evening watching Cricket highlights

My eyes are a bit sore now but I’ve always been fascinated by pitch illuminations

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbiggs92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My father needed surgery, and the only time the doctor could do it was on an evening flight

I knew this was a fly by night operation

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waffleholster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?

β€œMake queso, number one.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SabinCrusades
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
While having our evening dinner together, my little girl looked up me and asked…

"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"

I was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."

She then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2017
🚨︎ report
How does Adam West's mom call him for his evening meal?

dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
They start the evening news with 'good evening' then tell you why it isn't
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Humeon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
🚨︎ report
My pancake mix attacked me this evening

I got absolutely battered

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idonnotknow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
🚨︎ report
The Queen gives out OBEs to everyone now so this evening I'll be busy, I'm going to tie a rope to her and drag her behind my car...

I'm pulling an all-knighter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
🚨︎ report
I used to go over to my grandmother's house in the middle of the night and drink earl grey with her. It was our ritual. I called this evening out of habit, forgetting she had passed away, and her ghost answered.

I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NWmba
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Saw a possum on the road while driving to the store this evening.

He was still there on the return trip. He was quite deadicated.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikemol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2012
🚨︎ report
What happens before and after evenings?

Oddenings.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exastiken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Best Halloween costume idea: I'm going to ask Norm Macdonald if I can glue myself to him for an evening.

I'm going to be adhered to a social norm.

It might smell funny.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trollfouridiots
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
🚨︎ report
I had been telling dad jokes to my friends all evening and decided to finish off with one big finale.

Here's my favorite part

https://imgur.com/a/4ZLAw

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojo40605
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Cringy dadjoke told by my father this evening: How does Moses do his hair?

He parts it.

I'm sure its totally unoriginal but it was so stupidly hilarious at the time (hes about 65).

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NOAHA202
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked tue fiancΓ© this evening

I was laying down when she came up and asks me, "Could you help me pick up the living room and dining room?"

I looked at her and told her, "I'm not sure I can do that."

She looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "And why us that?"

"Because," I told her, "those are the two heaviest rooms in the house."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LongTallTexan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
🚨︎ report
In honour of Canada playing Russia in World Junior hockey this evening, I predict we will be putin on the gold medal.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SugarBear4Real
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad got me this evening with a classic.

Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him "Is that a new moon?"

His reply without skipping a beat "No, I'm sure it's been there a while."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBowers92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this one on us this evening.

Brothers GF: Our manager is on holidays so for the next few days I will be the standing manager at our location! Dad: What, thet don't have any chairs where you work? Queue groans

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dharmie-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Happened in a restaurant this evening

My dad went up to order food at the bar.

When it arrived my mum got given a falafel burger even though that wasn't what she told my dad to order.

Dad goes "Oh god I thought that's what you said you wanted. I falafel about this"

Groans from around the table.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JcChazez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Gems from my daughter this evening

"Did you hear about the new movie, Constipation?"

"It hasn't come out yet."

&

"This guy went to a zoo. The only animal they had was a dog."

"It was a shih tzu."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eccentricfather
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
🚨︎ report
My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his a

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Two dadjokes in one evening, from 2 different dads

"Joke" #1 (from my brother-in-laws father in law...actually, it's not a joke, but it deserves to be here.)

BIL'sFIL: What about an elbow truck? Everyone else: ??? BIL'sFIL: You know, instead of a toe-truck?


Joke #2 from my Father in-law, (while discussing how my brother-in-law and brother-in-law's father in-law "bonded" over a movie.)

FIL: Did they use a strong glue?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrassSpider
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
A terribly good one from my Dad this evening.

As soon as I get home for the weekend he opens with the question: "Do you know why there are a lot of Scots called Donald but very few called Walt? Most people say it's because they think Walt is an English name but that's not true. It's because Walt always hits his head on the door. Why?

(In the worst Scottish accent imaginable) Because Donald Ducks but Walt Disney.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uresus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's regular CBS Evening News joke...

"Would you rather be Dan, or Dan Rather?"

I... I don't even know.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KittenTitterBums
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Every time dad sees a digital 24 hour clock at quarter past 8 in the evening he says...

"It's that time of the year again!"

Roll on 2060...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
🚨︎ report
My husband this evening

Me: What'd you eat for lunch today? Him: I had General Tso's chicken. And he was NOT happy about it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poopyfart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Me and my mom got dad joked while watching tv this evening.

Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv.

Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kylel1195
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife turned the tables and Dad Joked me on our evening walk. I was not prepared...

Wife: We should take the short cut this time.

Me: Short cut? But who would want to cut things short?

Wife: ...a hair dresser?

Wow.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDermit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
🚨︎ report
My mom dad joked me this evening ΰ² _ΰ² 
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/escapist11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my roommate last evening

My roommate was comparing two SD memory cards last night. He uses them for GoPro cameras for racing. He observed aloud that there was a 50MB difference in their read speeds. I chimed in, "But you're not interested in read speed, write?" You know it's bad when you have to explain the joke..

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curzyk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My Dad, being particularly frustrated with my Mom one evening, turned to me and said..."You know why they call it PMS?...

...because Mad Cow was already taken."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meatman2013
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad proudly dad joked me this evening

We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll. As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yagrandmum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked by my girlfriend this evening

Girlfriend: "What are you up to?"

Me: "Watching a movie."

Girlfriend: "Which one?"

Me: "This is Where I Leave you."

Girlfriend: "Oh, I'll talk to you when you get back then."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plotbe01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad this evening about the mountain lion on the loose

Me: That's crazy, where do you think it's from?

Dad: I'm not sure, but I think I can guess.

Me: Well where do you think?

Dad: The mountains.

I could here my mom groaning in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afregistry
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my optometrist this evening!

Optometrist: It's crazy. People will spend their money on purses, shoes, Starbucks, but they won't spend money on their eye health.

Me: Ah well. You see the world through a different lens.

β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

(βŒβ– _β– ) ^^new ^^glasses

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smitwiff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm not sure whether to do a stir fry this evening or defrost some fish.

I suppose you could say I'm stuck between a wok and a hard plaice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starlinguk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Chain-dadjoked my friend this evening

Friend: I have to go out and buy a new tire for my car tomorrow.

Me: That sounds tiring.

Friend: groan Yeah, it will cost $200.

Me: Why are you buying from a tyrant?

Long pause

Friend: I'm not even going to respond to that.

(A few minutes later)

Me: I'm sorry about the jokes, but you made it too easy to keep them rolling.

Friend: Please stop.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AetherBlaze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my pops this evening. Eyes were rolled.

Dad: Did you add sugar to that spaghetti sauce you gave me? The meatballs I cooked in them last night came out kind of sweet.

Me: Nah, Dad. You just made sweetish meatballs.

I could see the pride in his eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoosierplew
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
🚨︎ report
He's not a dad but I'm pretty sure I got dadjoked at rehearsal this evening.

I lead the worship team at church and I'm the only one with a key to the instrument room. I went to get the key and when I came back, my keyboardist was banging his head on the door over and over.

I said, "were you just gonna try breaking it down like that? I do have a key."

He replied, "well, I thought I was making good headway."

He may have a head injury. Also, he's in his fifties.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_S_87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my son this evening

Walked into the room and asked

"What has two thumbs and burps"

did two thumbs up, burped and left the room.

The only response I got was Daaaaaddd

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grahampaige
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad got me good this evening

Needed a ride home from school today.

Me- "Hey dad, can you pick me up?" Dad- "Sure. You can't be that heavy."

I am proud I got his genes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1997Slobrah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
🚨︎ report
My husband this evening...

Our 9 year old son kept asking if we knew a good place with an echo.

My husband kept responding "echo location". It drove our son nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemizzmizz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Lady of the evening asks my dad if he wants a little company...

He says, "No thanks, I'd like a big company with 1000 employees, unlimited expense account and a corporate jet."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob_marley98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
While relaxing and watching some TV with my wife this evening

Wife: my hot chocolate is too hot.

Me: well maybe you should have had warm chocolate.

Wife: -_-

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seeaanggg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Overheard at a post office this evening

I was filling out some labels at the post office today when I overheard a little girl ask her dad if they could buy some bubble wrap.

His response, "No...sorry to burst your bubble!"

I could not contain my laughter and laughed very hard. He gave me a smile and I told him that everyone can appreciate a great dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoooligans
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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At a restaurant this evening...

Waiter: "Here's that bottle of wine I'm sure you were waiting for."

My dad: "We were waiting with bated breath! Wait, if you've just eaten sushi, are you waiting with baited breath?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exorcist72
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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Dad humor while on an evening drive.

So we were riding in the car with my dad when a Rush song came on the radio. He proceeded to point out that Rush once played on an episode of 60 Minutes. He called it "Rush Hour".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astrolabeman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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My dad one evening when I had to go to bed...

I had to watch a Batman movie for my school (the 1943 one), and I kind of postponed it, as it looked kinda boring. So one night, the day before I had to have watched the movie, I had to stay up a little later because the movie wasn't over yet. Then my dad walked in.

Dad: "Why don't you go to bed now? It's already late."

Me: "No, dad, I have to watch this Batman movie for school."

Dad: "Come on, just go to Batman!"

When you say it out loud, it sounds like "bed man". He burst out laughing as he said it, and then walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotererio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises?

β€œMake queso, number one.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SabinCrusades
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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