He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
It’s a good thing his bedroom is soundproof
People had enough of me carrying it around.
My wife and I are on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Believe or not she actually laughed at this one.
Her response: "Sure-- if you're buying dinner."
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and... keep reading on reddit ➡
Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
I guess he went from being X-elent to Y-elent.
I was stranded in a deserted aisle...
Q: What do you call a lady of the evening only interested rear maneuvers?
A: A back ho.
I'll show myself out
I set a curfew for my fur crew.
"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."
"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.
"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.
Dog: * Goes absolutely nuts *
She asked me why, and I had honestly not expected it-- so I panicked and went, "I dunno, "Z"?"
Is a Satur-day.
It was a real recurring night mare.
We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:
"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"
Smooth Dad, real smooth.....
And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".
The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.
He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.
The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two... keep reading on reddit ➡
Customer: Oh it was easy, I just looked under the parsley
My eyes are a bit sore now but I’ve always been fascinated by pitch illuminations
I knew this was a fly by night operation
“Make queso, number one.”
"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
I was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."
She then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner
I got absolutely battered
I'm pulling an all-knighter.
I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.
He was still there on the return trip. He was quite deadicated.
I'm going to be adhered to a social norm.
It might smell funny.
Here's my favorite part
He parts it.
I'm sure its totally unoriginal but it was so stupidly hilarious at the time (hes about 65).
I was laying down when she came up and asks me, "Could you help me pick up the living room and dining room?"
I looked at her and told her, "I'm not sure I can do that."
She looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "And why us that?"
"Because," I told her, "those are the two heaviest rooms in the house."
Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him "Is that a new moon?"
His reply without skipping a beat "No, I'm sure it's been there a while."
Brothers GF: Our manager is on holidays so for the next few days I will be the standing manager at our location! Dad: What, thet don't have any chairs where you work? Queue groans
My dad went up to order food at the bar.
When it arrived my mum got given a falafel burger even though that wasn't what she told my dad to order.
Dad goes "Oh god I thought that's what you said you wanted. I falafel about this"
Groans from around the table.
"Did you hear about the new movie, Constipation?"
"It hasn't come out yet."
"This guy went to a zoo. The only animal they had was a dog."
"It was a shih tzu."
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this
"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's
not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.
"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his a... keep reading on reddit ➡
"Joke" #1 (from my brother-in-laws father in law...actually, it's not a joke, but it deserves to be here.)
BIL'sFIL: What about an elbow truck? Everyone else: ??? BIL'sFIL: You know, instead of a toe-truck?
Joke #2 from my Father in-law, (while discussing how my brother-in-law and brother-in-law's father in-law "bonded" over a movie.)
FIL: Did they use a strong glue?
As soon as I get home for the weekend he opens with the question: "Do you know why there are a lot of Scots called Donald but very few called Walt? Most people say it's because they think Walt is an English name but that's not true. It's because Walt always hits his head on the door. Why?
(In the worst Scottish accent imaginable) Because Donald Ducks but Walt Disney.
"Would you rather be Dan, or Dan Rather?"
I... I don't even know.
"It's that time of the year again!"
Roll on 2060...
Me: What'd you eat for lunch today? Him: I had General Tso's chicken. And he was NOT happy about it.
Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv.
Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday.
Wife: We should take the short cut this time.
Me: Short cut? But who would want to cut things short?
Wife: ...a hair dresser?
My roommate was comparing two SD memory cards last night. He uses them for GoPro cameras for racing. He observed aloud that there was a 50MB difference in their read speeds. I chimed in, "But you're not interested in read speed, write?" You know it's bad when you have to explain the joke..
...because Mad Cow was already taken."
We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll. As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry.
Girlfriend: "What are you up to?"
Me: "Watching a movie."
Girlfriend: "Which one?"
Me: "This is Where I Leave you."
Girlfriend: "Oh, I'll talk to you when you get back then."
Me: That's crazy, where do you think it's from?
Dad: I'm not sure, but I think I can guess.
Me: Well where do you think?
Dad: The mountains.
I could here my mom groaning in the kitchen.
Optometrist: It's crazy. People will spend their money on purses, shoes, Starbucks, but they won't spend money on their eye health.
Me: Ah well. You see the world through a different lens.
(⌐■_■) ^^new ^^glasses
I suppose you could say I'm stuck between a wok and a hard plaice.
Friend: I have to go out and buy a new tire for my car tomorrow.
Me: That sounds tiring.
Friend: groan Yeah, it will cost $200.
Me: Why are you buying from a tyrant?
Friend: I'm not even going to respond to that.
(A few minutes later)
Me: I'm sorry about the jokes, but you made it too easy to keep them rolling.
Friend: Please stop.
Dad: Did you add sugar to that spaghetti sauce you gave me? The meatballs I cooked in them last night came out kind of sweet.
Me: Nah, Dad. You just made sweetish meatballs.
I could see the pride in his eyes.
I lead the worship team at church and I'm the only one with a key to the instrument room. I went to get the key and when I came back, my keyboardist was banging his head on the door over and over.
I said, "were you just gonna try breaking it down like that? I do have a key."
He replied, "well, I thought I was making good headway."
He may have a head injury. Also, he's in his fifties.
Walked into the room and asked
"What has two thumbs and burps"
did two thumbs up, burped and left the room.
The only response I got was Daaaaaddd
Needed a ride home from school today.
Me- "Hey dad, can you pick me up?" Dad- "Sure. You can't be that heavy."
I am proud I got his genes.
Our 9 year old son kept asking if we knew a good place with an echo.
My husband kept responding "echo location". It drove our son nuts.
He says, "No thanks, I'd like a big company with 1000 employees, unlimited expense account and a corporate jet."
Wife: my hot chocolate is too hot.
Me: well maybe you should have had warm chocolate.
I was filling out some labels at the post office today when I overheard a little girl ask her dad if they could buy some bubble wrap.
His response, "No...sorry to burst your bubble!"
I could not contain my laughter and laughed very hard. He gave me a smile and I told him that everyone can appreciate a great dad joke.
Waiter: "Here's that bottle of wine I'm sure you were waiting for."
My dad: "We were waiting with bated breath! Wait, if you've just eaten sushi, are you waiting with baited breath?"
So we were riding in the car with my dad when a Rush song came on the radio. He proceeded to point out that Rush once played on an episode of 60 Minutes. He called it "Rush Hour".
I had to watch a Batman movie for my school (the 1943 one), and I kind of postponed it, as it looked kinda boring. So one night, the day before I had to have watched the movie, I had to stay up a little later because the movie wasn't over yet. Then my dad walked in.
Dad: "Why don't you go to bed now? It's already late."
Me: "No, dad, I have to watch this Batman movie for school."
Dad: "Come on, just go to Batman!"
When you say it out loud, it sounds like "bed man". He burst out laughing as he said it, and then walked away.