Traffic is described as being stationery...
It was open Mike night.
I may have encountered some punintended consequences.
He’s a Night Mayor
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Good Knight
People had enough of me carrying it around.
It’s a good thing his bedroom is soundproof
My wife and I are on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Believe or not she actually laughed at this one.
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡Her response: "Sure-- if you're buying dinner."
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.
Q: What do you call a lady of the evening only interested rear maneuvers?
A: A back ho.
I'll show myself out
I was stranded in a deserted aisle...
I set a curfew for my fur crew.
"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."
"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.
"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.
Dog: * Goes absolutely nuts *
She asked me why, and I had honestly not expected it-- so I panicked and went, "I dunno, "Z"?"
It was a real recurring night mare.
Is a Satur-day.
We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:
"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"
Smooth Dad, real smooth.....
And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".
The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.
He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.
The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two pints of beer before going home to retire for the weekend.
It is just at that point when the bartender is serving him his second pint that he pauses and looks at the string and says "Hold on one minute! Aren't you a string?"
To which the string replied, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot".
Customer: Oh it was easy, I just looked under the parsley
My eyes are a bit sore now but I’ve always been fascinated by pitch illuminations
I knew this was a fly by night operation
“Make queso, number one.”
"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
I was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."
She then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
He was still there on the return trip. He was quite deadicated.
I got absolutely battered
I'm pulling an all-knighter.
I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.
I'm going to be adhered to a social norm.
It might smell funny.
He parts it.
I'm sure its totally unoriginal but it was so stupidly hilarious at the time (hes about 65).
Here's my favorite part
https://imgur.com/a/4ZLAw
I was laying down when she came up and asks me, "Could you help me pick up the living room and dining room?"
I looked at her and told her, "I'm not sure I can do that."
She looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "And why us that?"
"Because," I told her, "those are the two heaviest rooms in the house."
“Make queso, number one.”
