My girlfriend said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?

I said :- I am not kidding you

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supreme__shrek
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Always be aware of your surroundings. Even on your midnight toilet trips.
πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuggle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Digging holes is not fun, but making them even bigger is even worse.

It's just boring.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
This wasn’t even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirChemi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
If you have two heads, that's both an odd and even number
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iron_Eagl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t even anymore
πŸ‘︎ 682
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSugarBowl105
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A pyromaniac from my hometown accidentally killed himself in a fire, but nobody even showed up to identify the body.

I guess he urned it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1P221
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
You are a graduate of accounting and can't even tell when your SO is losing interest... smh
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabulous_888
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered pulled pork in a restaurant this evening.

It was tearable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/42fs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, β€œWill you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...

β€œI do!"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.

It was a joint operation

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/333iamhalfevil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.

But I pulled it off.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My son's not even one yet, and he's Walken already.
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t even know
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DennyDud
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Is infinity odd or even?

Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my parents. She looks like my mum, sounds like my mum, even dresses like my mum..

My dad doesn't like her.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
an American IT specialist was beaten even though he had a gun with him

He had troubleshooting

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GSterian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Even took me a while ngl..
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I would cheat the Golden Globes. Hell, I would even manipulate the Academy Awards. But I would NEVER
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nyjets4life6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Even the trees talk
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kimbermall
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Downloaded film Titanic for the family to watch this evening. Annoyingly Video and Sound has come across in separate files.

It's syncing right now.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iseb3881
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I knew what apple juice tasted like before I even tried it.

I had in-cider information.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know Hannibal Lecter has a brother who’s even more evil and sadistic?

His name is Bilka... Bilka Lecter.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Even though I'm an avid duck and goose hunter, I don't own any calls.

My wife doesn't want me using fowl language.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Seven and eleven have the word 'even' in them....

I find that odd !!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
The evening news just reported a HORRIBLE kidnapping.

Meh. How bad can he be?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Batman has tough days
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schemesymcplots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know there are more odd numbers than even?

Zero is even, but every other number is odd.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroBobGamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad's favorite sushi does not even contain fish

It's the eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do we even store these dad jokes?

In the dadabase

πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/funtimechuck14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the name of a casino that even kids can gamble in?

GameStop.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/believeingodalone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making β€œFriends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be a flat earther. I even set out to sail across the ocean to find the big ice wall.

But eventually I came around.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jradio610
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I feel numb looking at odd numbers which makes me even number..
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shivraj234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...

Hindsight is 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has been complaining that I don’t buy her flowers. Tbh I don’t even know she started selling flowers.

Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't even try it.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shakezilla
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.

Because it was a little coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStateOfMantana
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Do degrees even matter as long as the person gets the job done?
πŸ‘︎ 346
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vignesh_shankar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?

Oh wait... I'm holding it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndisa44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening.

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 342
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...

I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Seven has "even" in it

It's odd

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vinotm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report

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