She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
The mailman responded with, "And a good afternoon to you, Femalewoman!"
I was basking for it.
I just wish his wife would do the same
So I smashed their back door in.
It was very civil engineering…
It's unclear what happened
...are just looking for CaSiO3.
She told me, “Honey, lunches of oats.”
Me: "No, son. But, don't be mad that we don't. There's no need to take a fence."
when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
Because I am going down unda’! (Anesthesia... I’m having surgery today.)
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
Good thing I insisted on the pre-nap agreement.
I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.
What do you call candy that has been stolen?
I told him, "That's a little course"
It hurts to walk now but my farts smell great!
Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel.
Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean? Me: It's not two tired.
I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny.
They call them the 2-10 car men.
Because it’s a thyme consuming activity.
yep, It was the surfin' time belt.
"Do you guys provide free home delivery?" I asked.
"Yes sir, we do," said the bloke.
"That's great," I replied, "I would like to have a 2 bedroom apartment."
Husband: “What’s cooking?”
Husband: “Smells foul”
They were plumpkin
I responded, "Because if they lifted both of them up, they'd fall over!"
He declared "that is most unfortunate".
Boyfriend: "Which terminal are we going to?"
Me: "We're flying out of A Terminal?"
Boyfriend: "Yes, but which one?"
Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead
Good thing since I got a hole in one.
Older gentleman: I'm running out of patience in my old age
Guy on the other end of the table: Well it's a good thing you're not a doctor
Was telling the fiancée how much our copy machine at work sucks...
Me: So that's why we call it Bob Marley
Fiancée: Why would you call it that?
Me: Because it always be jammin'
I started laughing hysterically afterwards, and she just stared at me like I belong in a straight jacket.
My wife walked into our bedroom with our 7 month old to change her diaper. I was behind her headed for the bathroom when she said "hey turn the lights on." I immediatly started rubbing the two little screws that hold the light switch cover on like nipples. The pillow that was thrown at my head let me know I had a successfully completed the dad joke mission of the day!
Dentist puts on surgical mask
Me: "My breath doesn't smell THAT bad, does it?"
I threw out a piece of discolored rice. Does that make me a ricist?
I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up.
The conversation ended this way:
Mrs BMQ: "Drive safe Honey"
Me: "Thank you Dear. Die safe"
Mrs BMQ: "huh? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!" thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ---- Me: "Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes!" Mrs BMQ: "oooohhhhh" groan
Me: "I'm kind of like Egypt."
Daughter: "How's that?"
Me: "We both have toot-in-common."