She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I was basking for it.
So I smashed their back door in.
It's unclear what happened
She told me, “Honey, lunches of oats.”
Me: "No, son. But, don't be mad that we don't. There's no need to take a fence."
Because I am going down unda’! (Anesthesia... I’m having surgery today.)
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
What do you call candy that has been stolen?
Hot chocolate!
I told him, "That's a little course"
Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel.
Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean? Me: It's not two tired.
I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny.
It hurts to walk now but my farts smell great!
"Do you guys provide free home delivery?" I asked.
"Yes sir, we do," said the bloke.
"That's great," I replied, "I would like to have a 2 bedroom apartment."
Husband: “What’s cooking?”
Me: “Chicken.”
Husband: “Smells foul”
They were plumpkin
Boyfriend: "Which terminal are we going to?"
Me: "We're flying out of A Terminal?"
Boyfriend: "Yes, but which one?"
He declared "that is most unfortunate".
Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead
Good thing since I got a hole in one.
Older gentleman: I'm running out of patience in my old age
Guy on the other end of the table: Well it's a good thing you're not a doctor
Was telling the fiancée how much our copy machine at work sucks...
Me: So that's why we call it Bob Marley
Fiancée: Why would you call it that?
Me: Because it always be jammin'
I started laughing hysterically afterwards, and she just stared at me like I belong in a straight jacket.
My wife walked into our bedroom with our 7 month old to change her diaper. I was behind her headed for the bathroom when she said "hey turn the lights on." I immediatly started rubbing the two little screws that hold the light switch cover on like nipples. The pillow that was thrown at my head let me know I had a successfully completed the dad joke mission of the day!
Dentist puts on surgical mask
Me: "My breath doesn't smell THAT bad, does it?"
I threw out a piece of discolored rice. Does that make me a ricist?
I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up.
The conversation ended this way:
Mrs BMQ: "Drive safe Honey"
Me: "Thank you Dear. Die safe"
Mrs BMQ: "huh? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!" thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ----
Me: "Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes!"
Mrs BMQ: "oooohhhhh" groan
I walk back in the house,
Him: "that was quick." Me: "well yeah, running usually is faster than walking."
My dad text messaged my mom and said "I have some good news and some bad news" "The good news is there's no bad news and the bad news is there's no good news"
During a visit with my husband's parents this afternoon, my father-in-law asked about whether our son (16 months old) got a lot of playtime with other little kids around his age. I said that we go to play dates occasionally, and I mentioned that we have one coming up this week that's also a gender reveal party because the mom who's hosting is pregnant again.
FIL said, "Gender reveal? I know -- she's a female!"
Touche, FIL.
Me: I just finished a book about Prohibition, and it was pretty interesting.
Dad: I read the same book-it was pretty dry.
