Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
Broke ny finger today
On the other hand i am ok
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
I apopted a dog from a blacksmith today
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door
Saw this earlier today lmao
Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...
Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
Today I'm starting diarrhoea awareness week....
I quit my job at the helium factory today.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!
There is a HUGE snowstorm today in Washington, DC
There are thousands of snowflakes gathering in DC, crying because they lost the election and they can't con their way to victory.
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
I swallowed a dictionary today.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I bought some new shoes from my drug dealer today...
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
One of my coworkers said today is her thirty second birthday.
I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.
I made a girl in a wheelchair laugh today.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift
That's why it's called PRESENT.
I've completed 4 years of being single today.
Or Can I say I graduated my Bachelor's Degree?
Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could do for him
I got gas for $1.19 today!
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Dad dropped this one on me over the phone today
Dad: Have I ever told you that story about my dad?
Me: Which one?
Dad: The only dad I have!
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".
I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Decided to make a new stripe club today
We only play “Hey There Delilah”. The club will called the Plain White Tease.
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
The doctor today told me I had kidney stones.
It really rocked my world.
I had the nastiest,rudest,slowest cashier today.
I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.
Best dad joke I've heard today.. so far
Me: "Are you free tomorrow?"
Dad: "No, I'm 5 bucks tomorrow."
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied “Screw you!”
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.
Then I'll see what happens.
What did the Democratic House Representative say when asked how they were feeling today?
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Can’t get my head around why Timpsons was closed today.
Surely they’re key workers?
So this happened today... this is why I love Reddit.
I bought a book at the spice store today.
I took a picture of my son sleeping earlier today.
Then I sent the picture to the FBI as evidence of a kid napping.
Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.
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