A Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is
I told him, "that makes 2 of us."
From today I do not drink any more.
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
Well she's not here today so I can risk it!
My missus asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?"
Siri said "Yes it will rain, and don't call me Shirley".
I think she forgot to take her phone off Airplane mode.
I'm not a Chef but boyardees titties sweaty today.
The Pilgrim's Pride CEO plead "not guilty" today in a poultry price-fixing case
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but it’s worth a shot."
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
So I noticed that I might not make it to my appointment today
I asked my boss: Can I get a rain-check?
my boss: "yeah, there's no rain today."
I told my student to stop denting his pen by hitting his desk with it. “That’s not allowed today,” I said:
“Only on In De Pen Dents Day.
My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if it’s appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.
“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”
You might not believe that today is Canada's 150th birthday.
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
Found out today that 6 out of the 7 dwarfs are not happy
I got hit in the head today with a Diet Coke. Don’t worry. I’m not hurt....
“Boss, I’m not coming in today. I woke up this morning and found that I grew a thick beard and have a turban on.”
Boss: What?
Man: Yes, I’m calling in Sikh.
I decided not to put my watch on today before going out.
I wanted to have a timeless look.
I'm not feeling very strong today.
My toy drone just got stuck in a tree. It’s not the least favorite thing that happened to me today,..
but it is definitely up there .
It’s raining today. My wife asked me to get her an umbrella. I said why you’re not made of sugar.
She was pretty salty after that.
Today is National Waffle Day. Not sure how I feel about that.
I did not go to the gym today...
... because I had a running nose.
My Mother turned 50 today. She's not too happy about it so I made her this.
Today I learned that not all people are appreciative of ventriloquism.
Especially my wife’s gynaecologist.
I was at the furniture store today but couldn't decide if I should buy a bed or not
I think I'll have to sleep on it
[Not a Joke] So this is on sale today.
I say its 8/10 groan worthy.
https://shirt.woot.com/offers/joke-a-cola?ref=w_cnt_gw_dly_img
My wife got mad at me today for not changing a poopy diaper.
I told her, "the box says good for 15-18 lbs! there isn't even 1 lb of poop in there now."
Unexpected dad joke from Mom... My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, "Wow Dad! These pork chops are really well done!" From behind me, Mom quipped...
"Actually, they're medium-well."
I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could.
I'm so happy.
I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."
He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"
I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"
My father-in-law posted this today. Not a typical Dad Joke, but I figured this sub would appreciate it.
There's not just one, but TWO track and field workshops happening at my school today.
How do they have so much to discus?!
I said to my son today, “Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime artist.”
He said, “Is it something I said?”
I said, “Yes.”
Went to a corn maze today. Was asked to not use bad language.
There were tender ears around.
Front page of today's Toronto Star. Not sure if intentional...
First Dad Joke today- I stuck a beer cap to my head and said I was a magnet. My boys contested that I, in fact, am not a magnet. I said are you sure...
Today I told my son that he's not my favourite ten-year-old anymore.
Teacher got my classmate today who could not find the laptop charger.
In class and my friend could not find the correct laptop charger. My Teacher then said:
Friend: I can't find the right charger!
Teacher: Have you tried looking for the left one?
Everyone:...
All 19 people were silent, I was dying from laughter.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but it’s worth a shot."
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt.
not a joke.... shirt.woot.com has a relevant shirt today..
http://shirt.woot.com/offers/dad-joke-u
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