I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN!!! Too many questions.
Like, "Who's blood is this?", "How did you get it?"
"Why is it in a bucket?"
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Today I learnt what Yoda was short for,
Because he's got little legs.
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today
Their parents weren't happy.
My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
I got fired today because a customer wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese....
I told them we only accept cash.
Today is the day I can post it
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
There was a story in the paper today about a dog that ran 3 miles just to find a stick...
I thought it was a little far fetched.
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today
I said that's the last thing I need
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
I asked my son today “Why do you always sing to your corn on the cob before eating it?”
His explanation was music to my ears.
My lesbian neighbours bought me a rolex today.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Today's label making craft was inspired by the OG spicy boi himself, Bruce Willis.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Balloons cost more today than they did 10 years ago.
Today’s meeting topic is(drumroll please) why are we sitting on blocks of meet
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Wasn't really planning on laughing today, til I saw this!! xD
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Today’s my husband’s birthday and he’s a huge pencil enthusiast. I got him a great gift
Seems like someone’s gonna get lead tonight.
I tried catching fog today...
My favorite cartoonist was found dead today...
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
I confronted a mime today.
He did unspeakable things.
Thank you for the awards. You made my day 😃
I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....
I'm feeling like such a good boy.
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
I sold my vacuum today.
Why?
It was collecting dust.
Mate died today by falling into a vat of coffee!
I had a game of quiet tennis today.
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...
The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
I was going to make pancakes today
In the end, I decided the process was too whisk-y.
I read today that defibrillators are going to be required for all public buildings...
I’ll tell you what! Today I’m constipated…
…and I don’t give a crap!
The man who invented velcro died today :(
I saw a cow today that wouldn’t stop smiling
I guess he was just in a good mood
Dad - "Why were your late to school today?"
"Dad, there was a sign that said 'Slow Down, School Ahead'".
Dad - proudly cries
Wild Falcons live to be about 13. So all the Falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st Century.
They're Millennial Falcons
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
May the Fourth be with you! Today’s Argyle Sweater, 5/4/21
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today.
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