While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Just realized why no one likes my presents.

They always get a bad wrap.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edwardaten
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Past present and future walk into a bar

It was a tense moment.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-sharkey97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Santa's helpers are having a competition to see who can wrap the most amount of presents this year.

They are having a boxing match.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/speratcool88
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
There's no worse time to be a chauvinist than the present
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cranky_Windlass
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian πŸ˜‚πŸβ€οΈπŸ§‘πŸ€πŸ’—
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Where's my present?
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
One of Santa’s biggest fears is getting stuck in the chimney while delivering presents

He’s Claus-trophobic

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nekronous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?

The rest were not E

πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/veknilero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?

Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).

(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/talin342
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present

And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"

πŸ‘︎ 602
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m excellent at wrapping presents...

It’s a gift

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckySPWN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/r0b3rt1c0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?

They're too knotty.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Wheuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.

It's a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Saruman say after Gandalf got him a birthday present

Or thanc you!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freckles832
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I present to you...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djnipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.

Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."

Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum kit.

Nobody can beat that....

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Michismelody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain

Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best house warming present?

A radiator.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?

Subordinate clause

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawsonator85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do toads open presents?

They ribbit.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...

So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.

"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"

She wasn't as amused as I was.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream

I can't wait to rub it in

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quantum_waffles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents

Because they are in the noughties list.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewrmshin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....

....based on what their parents income is.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: But you are the lawyer? Me: Then where’s my present?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbedlamp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport?

Boxing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hercxjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 352
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.

It was very tense.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cuddlemath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar

And things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

A broken drum β€” you can’t beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a room.

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What is always wrapped up in the present ?

A gift

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skyhighjams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite music?

Rap.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hercxjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year Santa delivers presents to kids....

.....based on what their parents income is.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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