While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Past present and future walk into a bar
Santa's helpers are having a competition to see who can wrap the most amount of presents this year.
They are having a boxing match.
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian 😂🐝❤️🧡🤍💗
One of Santa’s biggest fears is getting stuck in the chimney while delivering presents
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?
Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).
(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
I’m excellent at wrapping presents...
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum kit.
Nobody can beat that....
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
What is the best house warming present?
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
How do toads open presents?
My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present.
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...
So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.
"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"
She wasn't as amused as I was.
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....
....based on what their parents income is.
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents
Because they are in the noughties list.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport?
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: But you are the lawyer?
Me: Then where’s my present?
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
What is always wrapped up in the present ?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
The past, present and future walk into a room.
Every year Santa delivers presents to kids....
.....based on what their parents income is.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite music?
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present, Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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