*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
π︎ 134
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
For the past five years, Iβve said that iβm going to start jogging, but I never have
Itβs starting to become a running joke at this point
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
π︎ 578
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.
He lives just a stone throw away.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
When driving past a cemetery:
βSee that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.β
βWhy do you say that Dad?β
βPeople are just dying to get in thereβ
π︎ 32
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
π︎ 599
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, βBeautiful hoar-frost!β
The man replied, βWhy thank you kind sir, but my nameβs not Frost.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, βTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!β
It might be farmer Geddon.
π︎ 185
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, βDylan, donβt touchβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
π︎ 297
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
What did the German man say when asked if he could count past 8?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
*Dad walking past a mirror in a department store
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
When I write down the alphabet I never get past the letter "I"
I guess that's where I draw the line.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
Cheese walks past a mirror and sees itself
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Iβm trying to learn the alphabet but I canβt get past X
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 19 2020
I just went past a shop selling wigs for only $10
They look awful but it's a small price toupee.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
In Past, I used to be so confused about everything
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...
Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power
Thatβs a lot of wasted votes
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
Driving past an antique store with my dad and he drops this gem...
βWhy do aunts get all the glory? What about uncle-tiques?β
ππππππ
π︎ 35
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
I was in my flat & this tall lady walked past my window.
I knew she was tall....as I live on the 2nd floor.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
My boss said to me, βYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?β
I said, βIβm not sure. Itβs so hard to keep track.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
I was walking past a shop, and there was a classic bomb in the window Beside it was a sign that read "$1, irreplaceable fuse"
I said to myself "That's an offer I can't refuse"
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
I've been searching in this map for the past hour...
And I can't seem to find country music.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
I thought I saw a German sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.
I think Iβve taken a tern for the wurst.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I donβt know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
π︎ 597
π
︎ Apr 25 2020
I havenβt been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out heβs just been sheltering in place.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Which Country Music Singer's name do you say when you're moving furniture past someone?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Half past nein
π︎ 105
π
︎ May 04 2020
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue.
It's intense tense in tents
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
The past, present and future walk into a room.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar
Things got a little tense
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
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