This is the last thing I need
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
Just went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..
It’s because they di-late
I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.
I was only dressed to the nines.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A Galway Hooker at sunset last night
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
The last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket?
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket
I got a box of Viagra teabags last night
They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again 🤔
Why does a calendar last for one year only?
Because its days are numbered
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
A panda escaped the zoo last night.
There was mass panda-monium.
Always the last place you look
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out!
A last will and testament is...
Watched the origami world championships last night,
It was on pay-per-view.
Bit of a scam though,
Both teams folded.
Why does Keanu Reeves finishes last?
Because there is no spoon at his table.
Being on a diet has pushed me to do some very regrettable things. For example, last week my wife caught me cheating with 5 guys.
Their burgers are simply irresistible
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
My neighbors had their ladder stolen last night.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
What do you call the last prawn in your prawn cocktail?
My wife and I had a 2 hour argument last night because I "have no sense of direction"
So I packed all my stuff and right.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
What do you call someone who just lost their last 5 cents?
If I ever win a big monetary prize or inheritance, I'll change my last name to Bates.
My butler won't be amused though.
I showed up to my last job interview exhausted and stoned
Last night I had a dream I was making love to a muffler.
When I woke up I was so exhausted.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
My monitor is on it's last legs
Dude, did you see the full moon last night?
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines.
I woke up this morning with back issues.
Lightning struck our house last night.
Why are pupils the last part of your body to die?
I had a dream last night I was a muffler.
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
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