I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..
It’s because they di-late
The last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket?
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket
A Galway Hooker at sunset last night
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
Why does a calendar last for one year only?
Because its days are numbered
Always the last place you look
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again 🤔
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
A last will and testament is...
My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out!
Watched the origami world championships last night,
It was on pay-per-view.
Bit of a scam though,
Both teams folded.
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
What do you call the last prawn in your prawn cocktail?
My neighbors had their ladder stolen last night.
My wife and I had a 2 hour argument last night because I "have no sense of direction"
So I packed all my stuff and right.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
I showed up to my last job interview exhausted and stoned
What do you call someone who just lost their last 5 cents?
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Last night I had a dream I was making love to a muffler.
When I woke up I was so exhausted.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
My monitor is on it's last legs
I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines.
I woke up this morning with back issues.
Lightning struck our house last night.
A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week.
Apparently he was the key witness.
Stolen from dad jokes.
The final question in our pub quiz last night was ‘name the indigenous people who are often referred to as Eskimo’. I’m so disappointed I got it wrong especially as....
The start of my every last paragraph of my essays.
Last night I stepped on a corn flake..
My dad keeps calling me a cereal killer 🙄
I ate something intangible last night.
It went straight through me.
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
They say nice guys finish last..
But somehow I always finish before my wife does
When I met my childhood bully last Friday, I was happy to learn he had double vision, because he always bullied me with my glasses. But then...
My wife accused me of taking the last donut
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
Did anyone hear what happened to planet Earth last night?
I saw a Werewolf behind the bus stop last night....Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
Last time I was in Paris...
...I went up to a newsstand that wasn't doing much business and asked the proprietor for a copy of Le Monde. I knew it would mean the world to him.
Why are pupils the last part of your body to die?
I had a dream last night I was a muffler.
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
Last night I dreamed I was a muffler
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