My dad always said "as one door closes another one opens"
He never quite got the hang of assembling Ikea furniture.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Ya know, I really like the singer Sia, but I'm a bigger fan of the band that always closes her concerts
Why are the members of the Titanic survivors’ support group so close?
Everyone was in same boat.
We must not let 2020 come to a close
Otherwise we will have to admit that 2021
I came close up taking up archery today.
Until I heard about all the drawbacks.
I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I saw a cyclist riding close to a steep cliff. He hit some gravel and veered away from the road toward the precipice. At the last minute he saved himself by jumping from his bike.
For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.
What’s it called when a drake chases a female, getting nearer and nearer but never close enough to mate?
Choose any number between 2 and 8. Multiply by 4, and then add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
My grandpa used to say "When one door closes, another shall open"
He was a great man, but a terrible cupboard maker.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Do you know why snipers always close an eye aming?
Because if they closed both they wouldn't see anything
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.
How does a Muslim close a door?
Hehehe close quarters....
I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
I’m close to completing my collection of captioned photos showing lions sleeping.....
A meme away. A meme away.
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
I told the doctor, when I close my eyes I see pink elephants. He asked: " Have you seen an optician?"
I said "No. Just pink elephants."
Female squirrels like to stay close to the males...
... but only 'cause their nuts.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Once a Bank of America Bank cheque was lying next to a Wells Fargo Bank cheque, they started talking to each other and became friends....eventually, they became so close that they became
They had to close the restaurant at the aquarium.
It had served its porpoise.
My friend wears a close-fitting knitted cap when he's putting items for sale on racks at the grocery...
My grandfather always said when one door closes another one opens
He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker
Every time we went somewhere to eat, my father would close the menu and say, “I’ll take a turtle soup...
and make it snappy”.
I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
Icarus flew too close to the sun and failed miserably.
Honey, our relationship can't go on if you just close yourself into a shell.
This close to actually being board to death
Why shouldn't you stay close to a speaker all the time?
Because it hertz your ears!
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes
All I could say was "Pia - no"
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
If you lean close to the Beethoven's grave
You can hear him decomposing
Not sure if this is close enough to a pun, but found it funny anyway.
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,
and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."
I just found that the letters ‘t’ and ‘g’ are too close to each other on the keyboard.
I’m never again writing Regards when I write an email to my boss.
I just asked my husband, "Did you close the closet?"
He said: "Babe, there's a bunch of clothes in there already!"
Is this a sign? Should I get a pregnancy test??
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
Calling all pun masters: Voting closes in a few days!
Why did the man close his distillery?
It was a whiskey business.
Proof that spring is close..
Choose a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by 2, add 3, and subtract 7. Close your eyes.
Some context: so some guy thought that a close up picture of a fig was the inside of a vagina and then some dude told him that and this guy on Reddit made a nice little pun
When a door closes to you
My wife was wanting to throw a shirt into the dryer to get the wrinkles out but she wanted to spray it with water first. She couldn’t find a spray bottle close by so she instead grabbed the iron to spray it... talk about the ultimate irony.
How close was the polar bear from falling off the ice?
My girlfriend and I had a race to see who could clean their dishes faster but it was so close
When I was a navy operator, I always wondered why this plane came close to us.
What animal is very close to the ground
Ad will close after Hulk smash
When Trump closes the border, if the US runs out of avocados, is that just one big guac block?
I became close to a Saudi Arabian girl I met online.
Now She wants to be friends on Eyebook.
“Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 7. Add 2. Now close your eyes.”
The Earthquake portion of the museum had to close early today, scientists concluded that the exhibit was faulty.
Physicists never get too close to skeletons.
They prefer their spooky action to be at a distance.
The store told me they would sell me a hoodie with a hood that couldn’t close
They said they would sell it to me no strings attached.
You don't want me to close your wound for you?
The announcement said to keep a close watch on my bag...
I almost fell down the stairs with a basket of laundry. I said “that was a close one”
My dad said “No, that was a clothes one.”
Why do toadstools grow so close together?
They don't need mushroom.
My friends don’t like my interest in Japanese cartoons. I guess I’ll have to keep my friends close
I’m thinking of opening a Pho restaurant that never closes
Gonna call it Twenty Pho Seven
Had new soft close cupboard doors installed and realised how chaste they are
Because you can't bang them.
There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe.
Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section.
Really constipated people tend to keep their friends close...
...and their enemas even closer.
Why do we need to keep a close eye on the Russians this winter games?
Because we don't want to the Russians to medal with the Olympics
My umbrella broke and wouldn't close, it started acting all egotistical and conceited.
You might even say it was stuck up!
I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y
Saw 4 baby birds in a nest, 3 were close together beaks wide open and squawking for attention. The 4th was off to the side beak closed head down..
I'm no bird expert but I'm guessing 3 females and 1 male.
The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other...
... my fiancée said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"
Its a wonder she's marrying me.
I'm nowhere close to being a Dad and I just pulled this on a friend. I'm excited for my future. imgur.com/gP1NdsK
What is nice if you are close but gets more irritating if u get further away?
Someone holding the door for you.
one day, an alien appliance company named "Closen" decided to create a new and improved counter. Their plan was to create a slogan for it like "so good, even the humans like it!". But, they did need a human opinion. So, they abducted a human from Earth and introduced it to him.
"What do you think?" they translate to him. He shakes his head.
"Not for me, really".
Defeated, the aliens send him back down to Earth. As he reappears, many people surround him.
"Oh my goodness, are you ok? what happened?" They all screamed. He smiled, reassuring them.
"It's alright, it was just a Closen counter"
Me and my dog are very close. She understands most of the things I say.....
I mean she has ruff idea.
Another type of goodbye (look close and sea the scale reference to a oven worse pun from earlier)
My son had the boat too close to the beach.
"You've been coasting lately," I said.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
How does a muslim close a door?
My furniture and I are really close.
Me and my recliner go way back.