My dad always said "as one door closes another one opens"

He never quite got the hang of assembling Ikea furniture.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Benmark97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?

You just have to listen varicosely.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OriginalCWP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
Ya know, I really like the singer Sia, but I'm a bigger fan of the band that always closes her concerts

Wouldn't Wanna Beya's

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dd1zzle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
Why are the members of the Titanic survivors’ support group so close?

Everyone was in same boat.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_adamnguyen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
My grandad always said: "When one door closes, another one opens"...

...Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

πŸ“· Removed - Punchline in title

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrGonzoDog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
We must not let 2020 come to a close

Otherwise we will have to admit that 2021

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/astont
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
I came close up taking up archery today.

Until I heard about all the drawbacks.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stealthyvendetta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanras199
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
I saw a cyclist riding close to a steep cliff. He hit some gravel and veered away from the road toward the precipice. At the last minute he saved himself by jumping from his bike.

For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
What’s it called when a drake chases a female, getting nearer and nearer but never close enough to mate?

Zeno’s pair of ducks

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Close, but no cigar
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cdawg2112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Choose any number between 2 and 8. Multiply by 4, and then add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
My grandpa used to say "When one door closes, another shall open"

He was a great man, but a terrible cupboard maker.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amraith
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…

…it smells like burnt nose hair?

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know why snipers always close an eye aming?

Because if they closed both they wouldn't see anything

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GelatoSilenzioso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a Muslim close a door?

Islams it

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanxdxdxd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Hehehe close quarters....
πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jabookalakq
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So close yet so far... youtu.be/_iRDb87MxRs
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HelpIGotLostHere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t close to my father when he died

Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Locke12345
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
I’m close to completing my collection of captioned photos showing lions sleeping.....

A meme away. A meme away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrypticPragmatist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
My furniture and I are really close

My recliner and I go way back.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerDad87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I told the doctor, when I close my eyes I see pink elephants. He asked: " Have you seen an optician?"

I said "No. Just pink elephants."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Female squirrels like to stay close to the males...

... but only 'cause their nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball

Great service

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jarvo1992
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Once a Bank of America Bank cheque was lying next to a Wells Fargo Bank cheque, they started talking to each other and became friends....eventually, they became so close that they became

chequemates ;)

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RajdorUzu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
They had to close the restaurant at the aquarium.

It had served its porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DjangoVanTango
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Close your doors people.
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolGuyPual
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Close to a booty call
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablothe_Plumber
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend wears a close-fitting knitted cap when he's putting items for sale on racks at the grocery...

It's a stocking cap.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather always said when one door closes another one opens

He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ouska31
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time we went somewhere to eat, my father would close the menu and say, β€œI’ll take a turtle soup...

and make it snappy”.

I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Marcellus-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.

They couldn't find another man of his caliber.

πŸ‘︎ 884
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/totuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Icarus flew too close to the sun and failed miserably.

What a soar loser.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Honey, our relationship can't go on if you just close yourself into a shell.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hpar1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
This close to actually being board to death
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GavinTME
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you stay close to a speaker all the time?

Because it hertz your ears!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PixlatedTron
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes

All I could say was "Pia - no"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
As my Dad used to say, β€œwhen one door closes, another one opens.”

Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scruffyshaggy
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
If you lean close to the Beethoven's grave

You can hear him decomposing

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benjo1000113
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this is close enough to a pun, but found it funny anyway.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,

and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I just found that the letters β€˜t’ and β€˜g’ are too close to each other on the keyboard.

I’m never again writing Regards when I write an email to my boss.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I just asked my husband, "Did you close the closet?"

He said: "Babe, there's a bunch of clothes in there already!" Is this a sign? Should I get a pregnancy test??

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sophayuh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the bowling alley close down?

The staff went on strike.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electricmaster23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Calling all pun masters: Voting closes in a few days!
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/albusbumblecore
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man close his distillery?

It was a whiskey business.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dcapz87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Proof that spring is close..
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dimssen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Choose a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by 2, add 3, and subtract 7. Close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Some context: so some guy thought that a close up picture of a fig was the inside of a vagina and then some dude told him that and this guy on Reddit made a nice little pun
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ilovemcyoutubers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
When a door closes to you

Break it

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GSterian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was wanting to throw a shirt into the dryer to get the wrinkles out but she wanted to spray it with water first. She couldn’t find a spray bottle close by so she instead grabbed the iron to spray it... talk about the ultimate irony.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vonberns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How close was the polar bear from falling off the ice?

He bearely survived.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Close but no cigar
πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cdawg2112
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I had a race to see who could clean their dishes faster but it was so close

We had to call it a wash

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peon2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was a navy operator, I always wondered why this plane came close to us.

Then it hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScheidNation21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What animal is very close to the ground

A buffalow

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragonfly48
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A close shave with death
πŸ‘︎ 236
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jnr_jinx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Ad will close after Hulk smash
πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
When Trump closes the border, if the US runs out of avocados, is that just one big guac block?
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nolegrad15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I became close to a Saudi Arabian girl I met online.

Now She wants to be friends on Eyebook.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œThink of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 7. Add 2. Now close your eyes.”

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 384
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
The Earthquake portion of the museum had to close early today, scientists concluded that the exhibit was faulty.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freshescobar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
So close. Cattoo
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MackieLovesPugs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Physicists never get too close to skeletons.

They prefer their spooky action to be at a distance.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The store told me they would sell me a hoodie with a hood that couldn’t close

They said they would sell it to me no strings attached.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MightBeATaco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
You don't want me to close your wound for you?

Fine, suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
The announcement said to keep a close watch on my bag...
πŸ‘︎ 327
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Checkmate_____
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I almost fell down the stairs with a basket of laundry. I said β€œthat was a close one”

My dad said β€œNo, that was a clothes one.”

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDestroyer575
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do toadstools grow so close together?

They don't need mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbrickem
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My friends don’t like my interest in Japanese cartoons. I guess I’ll have to keep my friends close

And my animes closer..

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ingrahamlincoln
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m thinking of opening a Pho restaurant that never closes

Gonna call it Twenty Pho Seven

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/11_Kevin_11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Had new soft close cupboard doors installed and realised how chaste they are

Because you can't bang them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_merchant96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe.

Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Really constipated people tend to keep their friends close...

...and their enemas even closer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do we need to keep a close eye on the Russians this winter games?

Because we don't want to the Russians to medal with the Olympics

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cmacias
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My umbrella broke and wouldn't close, it started acting all egotistical and conceited.

You might even say it was stuck up!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Owens2k3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Saw 4 baby birds in a nest, 3 were close together beaks wide open and squawking for attention. The 4th was off to the side beak closed head down..

I'm no bird expert but I'm guessing 3 females and 1 male.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other...

... my fiancΓ©e said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"

Its a wonder she's marrying me.

πŸ‘︎ 790
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm nowhere close to being a Dad and I just pulled this on a friend. I'm excited for my future. imgur.com/gP1NdsK
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lukamikudesu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
What is nice if you are close but gets more irritating if u get further away?

Someone holding the door for you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubaanus2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
close encounter

one day, an alien appliance company named "Closen" decided to create a new and improved counter. Their plan was to create a slogan for it like "so good, even the humans like it!". But, they did need a human opinion. So, they abducted a human from Earth and introduced it to him.

"What do you think?" they translate to him. He shakes his head.

"Not for me, really".

Defeated, the aliens send him back down to Earth. As he reappears, many people surround him.

"Oh my goodness, are you ok? what happened?" They all screamed. He smiled, reassuring them.

"It's alright, it was just a Closen counter"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kittypawprints4me
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Me and my dog are very close. She understands most of the things I say.....

I mean she has ruff idea.

πŸ‘︎ 124
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snausagerolly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Another type of goodbye (look close and sea the scale reference to a oven worse pun from earlier)
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My son had the boat too close to the beach.

"You've been coasting lately," I said.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PyroGamer666
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a muslim close a door?

Islams it

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamNDnD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
My furniture and I are really close.

Me and my recliner go way back.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wildjesta
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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