Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom. He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said

Look who’s grounded now, mom.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sioswing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I painted Paris with my eyes closed
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sketchanderase
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
When my Dad is asked "how did you sleep?" he always answers "with my eyes closed"
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b3ccy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.

Police say he may be following a pattern.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Close your eyes.

It’s dark, isnβ€˜t it?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lydrian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Choose any number between 2 and 8. Multiply by 4, and then add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why snipers always close an eye aming?

Because if they closed both they wouldn't see anything

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GelatoSilenzioso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I told the doctor, when I close my eyes I see pink elephants. He asked: " Have you seen an optician?"

I said "No. Just pink elephants."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm closing one eye, down this water slide...

Winking in a water wonderland!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is being a sleep analyst considered one of the toughest jobs in the market?

You work with your eyes closed

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacenerdgasms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My shift at work ends at midnight, but I'm a night owl so I find staying up late easy...

...I could stay up until midnight with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scoo89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do we need to keep a close eye on the Russians this winter games?

Because we don't want to the Russians to medal with the Olympics

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cmacias
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I am very expert when going to sleep.

I can do with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know if you look closely, all mirrors have eyes.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaiaHarris03
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Today, the kids were making some Christmas crafts. My dad presses one of those plastic googly eyes into my palm, leans in close and says..

".. I'm keeping my eye on you."

I freaking love that guy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Simple solution to my fear of the dark

I just close my eyes and pretend it's not there

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vrrrmmmm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Figure out the joke yourself
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Just-Be-Chill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A very honest dad and his son accidentally wander into a strip club.

A prostitute goes to the dad, and he notices her coming his way. He quickly closes his son's eyes.

Son: Dad, what was that woman wearing?

Dad: Uhh, nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Turuu_Was_Taken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I was setting up posts to put caution tape around...

And this old man asked if I was protesting. I explained that we were setting up wooden posts to keep people from parking too close to the building.

He said β€œlooks to me like you’re making a stand....get it?”

Eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PassivePlayboy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Im a master at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/APunchToThePuss
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."

I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Sex is probably the only activity where late comers are appreciated
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doktorstrange7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Sleeping is so easy, I do it with my eyes closed
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KrotyinoG
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Choose a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by 2, add 3, and subtract 7. Close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œThink of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 7. Add 2. Now close your eyes.”

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 381
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Sleeping comes so naturally to me.

I could do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Sleeping Is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesaltyscarlet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
No idea why this one will make you close your eyes

1

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freeyourballs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Habodude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to make my own wheel

It didn't take long, really.

I cut corners.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do people have trouble sleeping?

It's so easy. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abdullahmnsr2
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so good at sleeping...

I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joseph-Stalin1945
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people have difficulties sleeping.

But I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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