How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?

A-TEN-SON!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Packaging69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Someone nearby is an R. Kelly fan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alyisdead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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Why are cats considered mindful when their is an open gift box nearby?

Because they always live in the present.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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What do you call a group of horses and male swine that live on a farm nearby?

Your neighbours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TsundereMan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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A farmer was trying his best to remove his cows from a nearby marijuana plantation

The steaks were high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Klaus-012
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NePasToucher
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...

...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Did you ever hear about the knight that always had enemies nearby?

He was Ser Rounded

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HairyStylist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies

Justin case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v0xx0m
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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My mother’s boss spelt this on the sign outside the nearby nursery (not gonna lie I think it’s actually pretty funny)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireFlower85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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What do you call a nearby roof that's been in the sun all day?

Hot shingles in your area.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bloodredrogue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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A fox went to a nearby ATM machine, and took out his card.

A girl nearby and a monkey screamed, "Swiper, no swiping!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SauceMaster6464
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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I hear there is a new store opening up nearby, and it’s called Moderation.

They say it has everything in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Last night I watched a performance of the accapella group from the nearby army base.

It has Major problems.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe.

Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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Did you hear about that robbery of all the toilets in the nearby college?

Police say they have nothing to go on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLion37
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"

He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VWXYNot42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...

... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'

This is a true story, happened today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzarVC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
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Santa is nearby...

I can feel his presents...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atomic-Bell
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
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If you fart nearby someone...

Is it called a neart?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panini_Eater
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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I live in a remote town. We're building a train station to encourage travel to nearby places.

All thanks to a strong local motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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There's a scarcity of parking space in our vicinity but our premises are relatively big. So, I regularly help nearby companies by offering them a space for their cars on our grounds.

I allot a lot a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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So the morgue nearby claims to have the best facilities to take care of corpses after they're dead...

They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZSSDistortion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle...

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.

"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.

"Thanks!" the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2017
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I told my friends I had the power to sense bread from India when it was nearby. Do you know what they said?

That's Naan sense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shujinkou
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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So my dad and I recently found out that the Daughter of Joseph Stalin lived nearby to us when my family moved in.

My dad suggested that we should have gone up to the house, climbed the steps, knocked on the door and asked:

"Hello, is Stalin?"

It still makes me sigh with disbelief that I never saw it coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanCollier
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
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My wife told me about a big garage sale nearby...

I told her we weren't in the market for a big garage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robot_cousin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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Hearing a bell tower nearby

"Guess its that time again." "What time?" "Time to ring the bells."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/disher0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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My mom mentioned that the play Wicked is going to be playing nearby.

Mom- considering 3 of the 4 of us like Wicked and the other hasn't seen it before... Me- How wicked of you. Rest of family- Hardy har har

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JarheadHMEH
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
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In Yellowstone Park we came across a tree that was dying from the heat coming off a nearby geyser

I told my gf I bet that tree is thinking 'damn, geyser killing me'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oculardrip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand new Rolex."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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