How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Someone nearby is an R. Kelly fan
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
βExcuse me,β I said, βI couldnβt help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?β
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, βItβs Wales!β
βNo offense intended,β I replied. βPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?β
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︎ Dec 25 2020
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.
When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Why are cats considered mindful when their is an open gift box nearby?
Because they always live in the present.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
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︎ Jul 29 2020
What do you call a group of horses and male swine that live on a farm nearby?
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. Iβll let myself out.....
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︎ May 14 2020
A farmer was trying his best to remove his cows from a nearby marijuana plantation
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︎ Jun 12 2020
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
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︎ May 20 2020
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...
...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses
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︎ Feb 01 2020
Did you ever hear about the knight that always had enemies nearby?
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︎ Nov 20 2019
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies
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︎ Dec 07 2019
My motherβs boss spelt this on the sign outside the nearby nursery (not gonna lie I think itβs actually pretty funny)
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︎ Mar 20 2019
What do you call a nearby roof that's been in the sun all day?
Hot shingles in your area.
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︎ Jul 20 2019
A fox went to a nearby ATM machine, and took out his card.
A girl nearby and a monkey screamed, "Swiper, no swiping!"
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︎ Nov 28 2018
I hear there is a new store opening up nearby, and itβs called Moderation.
They say it has everything in it.
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︎ Jun 05 2019
Last night I watched a performance of the accapella group from the nearby army base.
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︎ Mar 22 2019
There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe.
Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section.
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︎ Jun 02 2018
Did you hear about that robbery of all the toilets in the nearby college?
Police say they have nothing to go on
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︎ Nov 23 2018
On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"
He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"
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︎ Apr 13 2018
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...
... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'
This is a true story, happened today.
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︎ Jul 15 2017
Santa is nearby...
I can feel his presents...
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︎ Dec 23 2016
If you fart nearby someone...
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︎ Jul 09 2018
I live in a remote town. We're building a train station to encourage travel to nearby places.
All thanks to a strong local motive.
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︎ May 02 2018
There's a scarcity of parking space in our vicinity but our premises are relatively big. So, I regularly help nearby companies by offering them a space for their cars on our grounds.
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︎ Mar 16 2018
So the morgue nearby claims to have the best facilities to take care of corpses after they're dead...
They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.
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︎ Aug 30 2016
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle...
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.
"Thanks!" the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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︎ Oct 29 2017
I told my friends I had the power to sense bread from India when it was nearby. Do you know what they said?
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︎ Jul 10 2015
So my dad and I recently found out that the Daughter of Joseph Stalin lived nearby to us when my family moved in.
My dad suggested that we should have gone up to the house, climbed the steps, knocked on the door and asked:
"Hello, is Stalin?"
It still makes me sigh with disbelief that I never saw it coming.
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︎ Oct 06 2015
My wife told me about a big garage sale nearby...
I told her we weren't in the market for a big garage.
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︎ Jun 24 2014
Hearing a bell tower nearby
"Guess its that time again."
"What time?"
"Time to ring the bells."
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︎ Nov 10 2013
My mom mentioned that the play Wicked is going to be playing nearby.
Mom- considering 3 of the 4 of us like Wicked and the other hasn't seen it before...
Me- How wicked of you.
Rest of family- Hardy har har
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︎ Oct 17 2014
In Yellowstone Park we came across a tree that was dying from the heat coming off a nearby geyser
I told my gf I bet that tree is thinking 'damn, geyser killing me'
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︎ Jul 09 2014
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
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︎ Aug 05 2020
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