I let my cat outside today but when I started listening to Daft Punk she rushed back inside
I guess she is more of a house cat
I went to get a haircut on Saturday but the line outside was huge when l got there.
Then the owner came out giving free burgers and hotdogs to everybody there.
It was the best barber queue ever!
What's the sign say outside the fishing hole in Chernobyl?
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Two Irishmen are sitting outside and a truck carrying turf drives past.
“I’d like to be that rich one day”. Says Billy.
“What, buy new turf?” Asks Shamus.
“No, send my grass away to be mowed”. Replies Billy.
Ewoks aren’t meant to be left outside....
Saw this sitting outside my house and had to take advantage of it
If you are born in a car and die outside, you are literally
If you're American outside of a bathroom, what are you inside of it?
What is outside of india is called ?
Cam a vampire go outside while it's raining in Africa
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Found this outside my apartment, must be a HALL-epeño!
I was robbed outside and went in to report the crime. When I walked in, someone asked me what it was like outside.
I said, “it’s a bit muggy.”
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk
What did the sign say on the outside of a brothel when it was closed?
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked “Are you okay?” He said...
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
What do you call an Irishman sitting outside?
Where does an Irishman sit outside?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
Ewoks weren't meant to be left outside
I forgot all about the balloon I attached to the water hose outside!
Edit: oh wow, this blew up!
What do you call someone who cleans the outside of the International Space Station?
The queues outside the cemetery are crazy.
People are dying to get in there.
I saw a sign outside IKEA
It said, "HUGE FURNITURE SALE!"
What if I don't want huge furniture?
My child came up to me and asked where her shoes were because she didn't want to go outside with barefeet
"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied
A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"
They were just fission for compliments.
Outside of a dog, a man’s best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Currently outside with my girls.
2 year old was running and a bee started flying across her path. She stopped, pointed at it and made a semi distressed, "uuh uuh!" sound. I told her, "You're ok .....just let it bee."
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
Neighbours outside just had a reveal party. From all the hooting and hollering after the balloon pop...
I can report that they are having an owl
My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain...
I td my son he would get arrested playing barefooted outside. He asked why
I told him there were cops who were on foot patrol outside...
I don't really fancy doing yoga outside during lockdown
A father was outside washing his car with his son
The son asks: "Dad, can't we just use a sponge?"
Wife: Honey! The cops are outside!
Cop: Hey uh sir, did you know your dog is chasing kids on bicycles outside?
Dad: Im sorry, well actually I've never trained my dog to ride a bicycle my son probably trained him. Well done kid!
HELP! A random car was left outside of my house with my name on it!
I've caught the car owner virus !
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
I decided I could go outside as long as I stayed 6 feet away from everyone
So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery
If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?
The last of my preprepred boards. Might have to put it up outside my house now!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks,
Apparently, having a guard stationed outside your home
Is a practice thats sentries old
I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house
They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down
I saw my friend outside the hospital
He was looking really upset. I asked him what was wrong.
"I've got the big C" he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"Oh no, cancer?" I asked, gently.
I looked outside my bedroom window and wondered why it was so dark outside
Why can't you sign a check outside?
Because you have to endorse.
What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)
Water because butane is a lighter fluid
Have you heard about that sauce made by a guy who plants seeds outside Stockholm?
He’s calling it Sweden Sower Sauce
It's cold and dark outside, so I have drawn the curtains.
There was a line of people outside of the gym I workout at the other day. I found it quite weird as the line of people were paying money just to hit each other.
Guess you could call it a punchline.
What happens to nitrogen when it's bright outside?
Did you see the police talking to that nut outside?
I heard he was assaulted!
A Martial Artist is outside on Halloween.
Kid: that’s a big bowl of candy mister!
MA: Yeah, but you can only taekwondo.
Went outside with my work headset on..
Neighbor kid - "what are you playing?"
Me - "it's called Responsibility"
Kid - "any good"
Me - "nope.. It sucks"
It's about 20° outside right now
I heard the ticks are really bad this year. If you go outside, be careful...
Unless you like your Corona with Lyme.
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
I find with the weather heating up, whether I stay inside or go outside...
I’m getting Spring Fever.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
“Why is there two cases of Arizona outside?”
We live in the cold state and I didn’t have enough fridge space for a case of Arizona ice tea. So I put it out the sliding door.
My son asks “why are there two cases of Arizona outside?”
I said “just trying to warm things up a bit...”
He just stared at me for 5 seconds then walked away.
Posted on a sign outside the gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones - at your cervix
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
What's the song that describes what a shy person feels when going outside?
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
What does the sign say outside of an out of business brothel?
If you are American outside the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?
My son asked me to play catch with him outside in the fog.
He threw the first one and I mist.
Why doesn't Mrs Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear
When it got dark outside, I was wondering where the sun went
And then it dawned on me.
This bike stand outside my local mall
Someone got trolleyed last night, fell asleep outside my house, and can't stand up
My wife told me to take the spider outside instead of killing hime
so I did. we went out. had a few drinks. real nice guy.
hes a web designer.
I ran into my kid’s teacher outside of school today.
It was heartbreaking, she was working at her second job. It’s depressing that teachers are so underpaid and unappreciated. So I gave her an extra $50 for the lap dance.
Found these lost soles outside my local dollar store
What's Irish and stays outside all year long?
Edited for the correct spelling.
I’m going to go stand outside
If anyone is looking for me tell them I’m outstanding
The letter was inside the envelope and couldn't see outside so he told the stamp...
I saw some kids outside playing with live wires.
I think they should be grounded.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
It's cold and gross outside, but spring is just around the corner!
I finally taught my dog do do his business outside...
He started with a lemonade stand and eventually earned enough to move into a new dogcondo down the street.
Ewoks aren’t meant to be left outside
Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend
Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.
If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?