I let my cat outside today but when I started listening to Daft Punk she rushed back inside

I guess she is more of a house cat

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Limehulio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to get a haircut on Saturday but the line outside was huge when l got there.

Then the owner came out giving free burgers and hotdogs to everybody there.

It was the best barber queue ever!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the sign say outside the fishing hole in Chernobyl?

Gone. Fission.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cbt711
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...

...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 155
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Its chilly outside today
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legandoflink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Two Irishmen are sitting outside and a truck carrying turf drives past.

β€œI’d like to be that rich one day”. Says Billy.

β€œWhat, buy new turf?” Asks Shamus.

β€œNo, send my grass away to be mowed”. Replies Billy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HorrorANDComedy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Ewoks aren’t meant to be left outside....

They’re Endor pets.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkythong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw this sitting outside my house and had to take advantage of it
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/katquizzity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are born in a car and die outside, you are literally

Carbon Dioxide

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tutrois
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're American outside of a bathroom, what are you inside of it?

European!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kalajasavakuy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What is outside of india is called ?

Outdia

(im sorry)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/richard_fredrick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Cam a vampire go outside while it's raining in Africa

Their rains are blessed

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PROTOTALEthe2nd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatotime00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Found this outside my apartment, must be a HALL-epeΓ±o!
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnanMoody
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was robbed outside and went in to report the crime. When I walked in, someone asked me what it was like outside.

I said, β€œit’s a bit muggy.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk

It's udderly terrible

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jurica1306
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sign say on the outside of a brothel when it was closed?

Beat it

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brock_Walker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked β€œAre you okay?” He said...

β€œYeah, I’m outstanding.”

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œPoor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, β€œSo how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, β€œYou’re the eighth.”

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman sitting outside?

Paddy O’Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Matthew1916
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does an Irishman sit outside?

On Paddy O’Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.

It's a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spar_wors
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Ewoks weren't meant to be left outside

They're Endor pets.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I forgot all about the balloon I attached to the water hose outside!

Edit: oh wow, this blew up!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who cleans the outside of the International Space Station?

A vacuum cleaner

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinsy_Crow
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The queues outside the cemetery are crazy.

People are dying to get in there.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TomWaah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a sign outside IKEA

It said, "HUGE FURNITURE SALE!"

What if I don't want huge furniture?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My child came up to me and asked where her shoes were because she didn't want to go outside with barefeet

"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saggs-11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"

They were just fission for compliments.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Outside of a dog, a man’s best friend is a book.

Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Currently outside with my girls.

2 year old was running and a bee started flying across her path. She stopped, pointed at it and made a semi distressed, "uuh uuh!" sound. I told her, "You're ok .....just let it bee."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:

β€œSorry, we’re clothed.”

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Neighbours outside just had a reveal party. From all the hooting and hollering after the balloon pop...

I can report that they are having an owl

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/50ShadesOfPalmBay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain...

His appetite was whet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I td my son he would get arrested playing barefooted outside. He asked why

I told him there were cops who were on foot patrol outside...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fromhell187
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't really fancy doing yoga outside during lockdown

Namaste in instead...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A father was outside washing his car with his son

The son asks: "Dad, can't we just use a sponge?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ba71905
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: Honey! The cops are outside!

Cop: Hey uh sir, did you know your dog is chasing kids on bicycles outside?

Dad: Im sorry, well actually I've never trained my dog to ride a bicycle my son probably trained him. Well done kid!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BOTB03
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
HELP! A random car was left outside of my house with my name on it!

I've caught the car owner virus !

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Barderz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided I could go outside as long as I stayed 6 feet away from everyone

So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Long-Afternoon
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The last of my preprepred boards. Might have to put it up outside my house now!
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?

Patty O’Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/britterzl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks,

I’m outstanding.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GalaxyGamer2456
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently, having a guard stationed outside your home

Is a practice thats sentries old

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pLeThOrAx
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house

They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my friend outside the hospital

He was looking really upset. I asked him what was wrong.

"I've got the big C" he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Oh no, cancer?" I asked, gently.

"No, dyslexia."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bruceleesknees
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked outside my bedroom window and wondered why it was so dark outside

and then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Burning_Toast998
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you sign a check outside?

Because you have to endorse.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about that sauce made by a guy who plants seeds outside Stockholm?

He’s calling it Sweden Sower Sauce

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkDragon1025
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The Weather Outside
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
It's cold and dark outside, so I have drawn the curtains.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theMikethe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a line of people outside of the gym I workout at the other day. I found it quite weird as the line of people were paying money just to hit each other.

Guess you could call it a punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/STRAlGHTCANCER
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to nitrogen when it's bright outside?

It becomes daytrogen

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaRealEnderguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you see the police talking to that nut outside?

I heard he was assaulted!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyCheese79
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A Martial Artist is outside on Halloween.

Kid: that’s a big bowl of candy mister!

MA: Yeah, but you can only taekwondo.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tylerjk01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Went outside with my work headset on..

Neighbor kid - "what are you playing?" Me - "it's called Responsibility" Kid - "any good" Me - "nope.. It sucks"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shortbusaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It's about 20Β° outside right now
πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drainedlmao
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard the ticks are really bad this year. If you go outside, be careful...

Unless you like your Corona with Lyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brave_fellow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 231
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youessbee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I find with the weather heating up, whether I stay inside or go outside...

I’m getting Spring Fever.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/isleag07
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house

It's the neighborhood watch.

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flashblazer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œWhy is there two cases of Arizona outside?”

We live in the cold state and I didn’t have enough fridge space for a case of Arizona ice tea. So I put it out the sliding door.

My son asks β€œwhy are there two cases of Arizona outside?”

I said β€œjust trying to warm things up a bit...”

He just stared at me for 5 seconds then walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Posted on a sign outside the gynecologist's office:

Dr. Jones - at your cervix

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.

I told them, β€œI have my raisins.”

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the song that describes what a shy person feels when going outside?

Introvertigo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__SodiumChloride
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?

So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MsAzizaGoatinsky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the sign say outside of an out of business brothel?

Beat it. We’re closed.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are American outside the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?

European

My first post πŸ˜…

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/momomannn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked me to play catch with him outside in the fog.

He threw the first one and I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArshmanR
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Mrs Clause like to go outside in spring?

Because of all the rain, dear

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boboknowsall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
When it got dark outside, I was wondering where the sun went

And then it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/misterpobbsey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
This bike stand outside my local mall
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KulgyHD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone got trolleyed last night, fell asleep outside my house, and can't stand up
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider outside instead of killing hime

so I did. we went out. had a few drinks. real nice guy.

hes a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I ran into my kid’s teacher outside of school today.

It was heartbreaking, she was working at her second job. It’s depressing that teachers are so underpaid and unappreciated. So I gave her an extra $50 for the lap dance.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Found these lost soles outside my local dollar store
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Edited for the correct spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 605
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fenris2020
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m going to go stand outside

If anyone is looking for me tell them I’m outstanding

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kmas_2006
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The letter was inside the envelope and couldn't see outside so he told the stamp...

to keep him posted

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stayouttamyswamp-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw some kids outside playing with live wires.

I think they should be grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudman1969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head

When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fourwindsgone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
It's cold and gross outside, but spring is just around the corner!
πŸ‘︎ 411
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darklyte
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally taught my dog do do his business outside...

He started with a lemonade stand and eventually earned enough to move into a new dogcondo down the street.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Ewoks aren’t meant to be left outside

They’re Endor pets.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/got_nohandz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend

Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nukesup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatbag_289
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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