[Meta] can we make it a rule that any comment from pun patrol will result in an insta ban from this subreddit?
It is incredibly lame to see the same comment in each and every thread. Like I don’t understand what fun do they get.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
An actual joke from my dad this weekend
Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone
Me: It's just a little shy
Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem
So you know Gandhi? Walked barefoot, tough feet. Fasted a lot, so he was weak. Prayed a lot, real spiritual. Unfortunately, suffered from bad breath.
In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic suffering from halitosis.
From Crackhead Craigslist
Where do mansplainers get their water from?
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?
Because he lived in a pen!
So very proud!
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
Technically Moses was the first man to download files from the Cloud...
Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Pixar collection, except from one
He’s never gonna give you Up
From my son. "What do you call Coffee for sad people?"
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
Smart dog originally from R/Memes but crossposts aren’t aloud
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I adopted my dog from a blacksmith
As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
Scam warning: do not reply to any job offers from Braxton Hicks.
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."
"... BODY once told me..."
I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
If the Earth is the third planet from the Sun...
...does that mean that every country is a third-world country?
It’s illegal to sell stocks from inside a bath of sparkling apple juice
Because that would be in cider trading
From my daughter: Who do marshmallows like to hang out with at Easter?
My earliest clear memory from my childhood is going with my dad to get my prescription glasses.
Life before that is a blur.
My wife texted me from the grocery store to ask about our pasta supply.
I replied "we're penneless."
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
Why can’t a boat leave from two places at once?
Because that involves a paradox.
A brand new one from my dad:
Dad: I’m gonna have to return all of these poles. They’re too tall.
Me: They seem fine.
Dad: No. The stakes are too high.
I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.
They absolutely killed it.
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day
Wife: who’s skull is that
Me: a man named Phillip
Wife: what’s in it?
Me: vodka and orange juice.
Wife: .......
Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver
I ordered some ripe, juicy, golden yellow mangoes from a grocery store. But all the mangoes they sent me were green.
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
I came home from work upset. "My boss fired me because I expressed my opinion," I told my wife.
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
Policeman taking a witness statement from the waiter after a shooting at a vegan bar..
Policeman: Can you describe the shooter?
Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley.
P: Parsley?
W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
I refuse to believe that my road work father was stealing from his job.
But when i got home all the signs were there.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
