From pun me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goblin_boi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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[Meta] can we make it a rule that any comment from pun patrol will result in an insta ban from this subreddit?

It is incredibly lame to see the same comment in each and every thread. Like I don’t understand what fun do they get.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tahmid5
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anukrit_Subedi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
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From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 859
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
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Keep it safe from him.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tway_UX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
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An actual joke from my dad this weekend

Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone

Me: It's just a little shy

Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...

πŸ‘︎ 675
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bshafs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5x13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

All the seals!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sticktime
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

πŸ‘︎ 482
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ttdave1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
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I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem

I call it my trail mix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hungytoaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
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So you know Gandhi? Walked barefoot, tough feet. Fasted a lot, so he was weak. Prayed a lot, real spiritual. Unfortunately, suffered from bad breath.

In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic suffering from halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
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From Crackhead Craigslist
πŸ‘︎ 462
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ehnoscentteaya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
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Where do mansplainers get their water from?

A well, actually

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drinkyourwaterpal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
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From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?

Because he lived in a pen!

So very proud!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
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I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.

I said "So it's a well gnome garden".

I laughed harder than he did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Upcyclethis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
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Technically Moses was the first man to download files from the Cloud...

....using a tablet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Pixar collection, except from one

He’s never gonna give you Up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/resilientiddle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
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From my son. "What do you call Coffee for sad people?"

Despresso...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/begoodorbedead
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
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An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?

They make up everything.

I was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaybird1905
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
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I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piemamamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
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Smart dog originally from R/Memes but crossposts aren’t aloud
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocco_Crocko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
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I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
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I adopted my dog from a blacksmith

As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
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Scam warning: do not reply to any job offers from Braxton Hicks.

It's false labor.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ash-leg2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
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A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwrdgirl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
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My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."

"... BODY once told me..."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
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I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"

"The opposite of right!"

πŸ‘︎ 482
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
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If the Earth is the third planet from the Sun...

...does that mean that every country is a third-world country?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
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It’s illegal to sell stocks from inside a bath of sparkling apple juice

Because that would be in cider trading

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canyuse
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
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Aloe from the other side
πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrutzany
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
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From my daughter: Who do marshmallows like to hang out with at Easter?

Their peeps!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sf340flier
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
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My earliest clear memory from my childhood is going with my dad to get my prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
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My wife texted me from the grocery store to ask about our pasta supply.

I replied "we're penneless."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.

It will...be my Civic duty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
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Why can’t a boat leave from two places at once?

Because that involves a paradox.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefaa77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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A brand new one from my dad:

Dad: I’m gonna have to return all of these poles. They’re too tall.

Me: They seem fine.

Dad: No. The stakes are too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
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I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.

They absolutely killed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zion2199
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
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My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day

Wife: who’s skull is that

Me: a man named Phillip

Wife: what’s in it?

Me: vodka and orange juice.

Wife: .......

Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_eat_unwiped_ass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
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I ordered some ripe, juicy, golden yellow mangoes from a grocery store. But all the mangoes they sent me were green.

They gave me a raw deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsouza
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
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What do you call a bee that is from the United States

A USB

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobody492
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
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Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/osksama1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
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I came home from work upset. "My boss fired me because I expressed my opinion," I told my wife.

She said, "That's a human right."

I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
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Policeman taking a witness statement from the waiter after a shooting at a vegan bar..

Policeman: Can you describe the shooter? Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley. P: Parsley? W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LateralAxes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...

Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albasolo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
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My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
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What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 946
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
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I refuse to believe that my road work father was stealing from his job.

But when i got home all the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kundan_n
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report

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