Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I've done that, but what do I do with the letter.
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room. And then…
If hell is hot, then heaven's gotta be cold
Guess that's why they call it paradice
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her bath. She then got mad at me!!
Some people are so ungrateful. I used an entire pencil adding details to it and everything :(
[Just thought of this. I'm pretty happy with myself right now.]
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
I find it really hard to pull it off.
The guy with 1 hater then
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
Hehe
I really thought that animal was a horse, but then I asked it "Are you a horse?"
Why is one side longer then the other when ducks fly in a V?
Because there’s more ducks on that side
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I met one of my wife's new vegan friends. Then I froze....
Oh shit! I've slept with herbivore!
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
I was texting this nun and things were getting pretty hot and heavy. Then out of nowhere she stopped replying.
I still can’t believe she holy ghosted me
If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
My brother dug a hole in the ground, filled it with water then designed a moving staircase that was powered by it.
That well escalated quickly!
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
Gravity, one of the most basic forces in the Universe. But then again, if you remove it...
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
If frogs are from Greenland then.......
....... Sharks are from Finland.
While swimming around, a fish hits its head on a wall and then yells out...
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
Dad: If there is some of it, then it's good. If it is ful of it, it's bad. What's the thing?
Me in my new underwear: I don't know....
Dad: Awe.
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
First I got to run some errands and then I will
Two wrongs don’t make a right. But what then, might two rights make?
The world’s first airplane.
My friend fell down a flight of steps then started looking at me without breaking eye contact...
I'm not sure why he was stairing.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
Is your computer running? Then you'd better catch it!
They say opposites attract; so if your mum/mom serious, then your...
So that would make this a "dead" end then?
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?
My friend used to clean house for a famous singer-guitar player, til he died in 2016. She then became a police investigator...
She dusted for Prince now she's dusting for prints.
Archimedes took a bath and then said "Eureka!"
When I smell myself, I say "You reek-a!" and then take a bath.
if you know then a fair tetsutetsu to you
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced…
A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?
The big moron. The other one was a little more on.
I was thinking that I am the kindest person in the world. Then I saw German kids.
But then bees will just be BS
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