I overdosed on Viagra once....

Hardest day of my life.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 168
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MBMV
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2021
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The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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I was kidnaped by mimes once.

They did unspeakable things too me!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 102
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Frindwamp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 198
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SmartassBrickmelter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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I saw the Apple store get robbed once

Yep, I was an iWitness

πŸ‘οΈŽ 63
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rachelsfriendfriend
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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I once made a pencil with 2 erasers.

But it was pointless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships...

I took gold, silver and bronze.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 111
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 23 2020
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Once upon a time a lion and a cheetah had a race . This is what happened.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/radhikagi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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I ate an optimist once...

But, I couldn't keep him down.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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A murderer once stopped killing, became lazy, and was only enjoying life. He became a

Serial Chiller

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/B0R0line
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
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I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/redirishlad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 23 2020
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I worked with this guy Rob once...

...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.

He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.

"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JSNhova
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter

How dairy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 68
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pineapple_Flavoured
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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I started an Origami business once

Gave it up though, too much paperwork

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/liamo000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 05 2020
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A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees

β€œHow do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired

Lumberjack: β€œEasy. I keep a log.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 74
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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I met a midget once, our conversation was very awkward...

I’m not very good at small talk.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2020
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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Went to Oklahoma once.

It was OK.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Omenshah
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
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I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.

Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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I once stopped and asked a Mandalorian for directions....

He pointed at the map and said, β€œThis is the way.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DJBlue18
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 20 2020
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Did you know that Fruit of the Loom (TM) once took Hanes(TM) to court?

It was a BRIEF case.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2020
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I once cut myself in an Apple store

It was because of the cutting edge technology.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Helslade
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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I once tried to drink Canada Dry

Then they deported me

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/I_Only_Have_One_Hand
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 12 2020
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I held the nuts in a poker game once,

It meant a great deal to me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kallax82
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 12 2020
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There was once a old grape farmer, who had gone through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried out, all he could say was....

Everything happens for a raisin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2020
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I went to a child psychologist once.

He was absolutely rubbish, he was only seven.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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It kinda spoils the ending of Revenge of the Sith once you realize...

they're not called the Order of the Jelive

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/saeldaug
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.

As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2020
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I caught the flu at an airport once.

It was a terminal illness.

(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PKE95
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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Aligator and crocodile were once friend

They were suppose to SEE EACH OTHER LATER

but

IT'S BEEN A WHILE!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/casul_noob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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Someone once asked if I ever played the violin

I told him that I had fiddled with it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Darhkling
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 05 2020
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A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.

It was gut wrenching.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/yourlife602
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 25 2020
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As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once

It has really impacted my outlook on life

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dulonko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2020
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I once did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tardegrades
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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I ate a clock once

It didn’t taste too bad, but it was time consuming...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 45
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/_BuckToothedCobra_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2020
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I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.

But he did call her a "ho" like three times.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.

It was a briefcase

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CosmicNoire
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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Mona Lisa was once accused of murder....

Turns out, she was framed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 76
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 17 2020
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I once knew a guy who was a pilot but he wasn't very bright.

All of his friends called him plain stupid.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CrazyArmy2019
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2020
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I once read a book about WD-40.

It was in the non-friction section.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Predestinatural
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 17 2020
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I once knew this guy who hated all high-range instruments.

He was a huge bassist.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IchHabKeinRedditName
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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I once had a job pressing soda cans /r/teenagers/comments/kcb…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/emoneycnzh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2020
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I was having dinner with two Pastors once.

I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"

(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Select-Atmosphere110
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist

You know, one crazy ass doctor

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Melvinandthekelvin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
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I once tried to blow up a car

Burnt my lips on the exhaust pipe

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DenisMcK
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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I dated a minor once

He was practically inseparable from his pickaxe

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/B1tchy_mitchy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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I was kidnapped by mimes once

They did unspeakable things to me

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IS3OO
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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