I overdosed on Viagra once....
π︎ 168
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︎ Jan 12 2021
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I was kidnaped by mimes once.
They did unspeakable things too me!
π︎ 102
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 198
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︎ Dec 17 2020
I saw the Apple store get robbed once
π︎ 63
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I once made a pencil with 2 erasers.
π︎ 22
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships...
I took gold, silver and bronze.
π︎ 111
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Once upon a time a lion and a cheetah had a race . This is what happened.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I ate an optimist once...
But, I couldn't keep him down.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
A murderer once stopped killing, became lazy, and was only enjoying life. He became a
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
π︎ 40
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I worked with this guy Rob once...
...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.
He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.
"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I started an Origami business once
Gave it up though, too much paperwork
π︎ 41
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︎ Dec 05 2020
A lumberjack once told me heβs cut down 27,562 trees
βHow do ya know exactly how many?β I inquired
Lumberjack: βEasy. I keep a log.β
π︎ 74
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I met a midget once, our conversation was very awkward...
Iβm not very good at small talk.
π︎ 35
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︎ Nov 29 2020
I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.
We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.
Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.
Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"
And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Went to Oklahoma once.
π︎ 37
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.
Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I once stopped and asked a Mandalorian for directions....
He pointed at the map and said, βThis is the way.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Did you know that Fruit of the Loom (TM) once took Hanes(TM) to court?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
I once cut myself in an Apple store
It was because of the cutting edge technology.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I once tried to drink Canada Dry
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
I held the nuts in a poker game once,
It meant a great deal to me.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
There was once a old grape farmer, who had gone through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried out, all he could say was....
Everything happens for a raisin.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I went to a child psychologist once.
He was absolutely rubbish, he was only seven.
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 17 2020
It kinda spoils the ending of Revenge of the Sith once you realize...
they're not called the Order of the Jelive
π︎ 25
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I caught the flu at an airport once.
It was a terminal illness.
(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Aligator and crocodile were once friend
They were suppose to SEE EACH OTHER LATER
but
IT'S BEEN A WHILE!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
βExcuse me,β I said, βI couldnβt help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?β
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, βItβs Wales!β
βNo offense intended,β I replied. βPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once
It has really impacted my outlook on life
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I once did a theatrical performance about puns.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
I ate a clock once
It didnβt taste too bad, but it was time consuming...
π︎ 45
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.
But he did call her a "ho" like three times.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Mona Lisa was once accused of murder....
Turns out, she was framed.
π︎ 76
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I once knew a guy who was a pilot but he wasn't very bright.
All of his friends called him plain stupid.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
I once read a book about WD-40.
It was in the non-friction section.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I once knew this guy who hated all high-range instruments.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
I was having dinner with two Pastors once.
I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"
(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist
You know, one crazy ass doctor
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I once tried to blow up a car
Burnt my lips on the exhaust pipe
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I dated a minor once
He was practically inseparable from his pickaxe
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
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