The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
I was once offered the chance to join a secret club, where anyone who asks a question is permanently banned.
I saw the Apple store get robbed once
Once upon a time in the jungle...
Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…
He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships...
I took gold, silver and bronze.
In Yosemite, I once found a chunk of metal that was more dense in the center of it.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
The Who once played a show at the mansion of the founder of Tim Hortons
It was the last time Horton heard a Who.
Did you know that Fruit of the Loom (TM) once took Hanes(TM) to court?
I held the nuts in a poker game once,
It meant a great deal to me.
It kinda spoils the ending of Revenge of the Sith once you realize...
they're not called the Order of the Jelive
I caught the flu at an airport once.
It was a terminal illness.
(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.
But he did call her a "ho" like three times.
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A wise man once gave me the 3 unwritten rules of life
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.
She thought that might knock some scents into him.
I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.
The odds were against me.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
The toucan once faced fierce competition in it's ecological niche.
Eventually, though, it came to dominate the toucannot.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
A sage once set himself on fire to cleanse the monastery of evil smells. [OC]
I once bought a sweater that was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
My dad was once playing the Game Of Life.
But strangely, he kept a dictionary as the only other player. I asked him what he was doing.
He said, “Son, in this game of life, you just need to play with words to make a good dad-joke!”
Once I was so dehydrated, I couldn’t even remember all the letters in the English alphabet.
I went ABCDEFG and then PQRSTUVWXYZ. I was missing H to O.
Yesterday I suddenly ran into the man who once sold me an antique globe.
A bar near me has an event once a week where a guy called Michael freely allows the customers to perform surgery on him...
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
Once upon a time when I visited the dentist........
Doctor: What's the problem?
Me: I'm a moth.
Doctor: Excuse me?
Me: I'm a moth.
Doctor: Maybe you should see a psychiatrist not a dentist.
Me: I went to the psychiatrist about an hour ago.
Doctor: Then what are you doing here?
Me: Your light was on.
I once asked someone how they made so much money in the restaurant industry.
He said that he stopped forking around.
What's the best stool softener that everyone has been on at least once?
A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.
Did he ride it? No. It wooden start
A man at the bar told me he once travelled across space to get a pint
He must have been interstellar
Once my school had multiple teachers absent and they sent the substitutes to the wrong class AMA
There once was a family, the Bigger’s. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
When I worked at the Haunted Mansion, a guest once asked me if we had any beer available.
I said, "No. We only have spirits here."
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun went
I once went to a Hispanic restaurant that specialized in various exotic cheeses. I asked what was on the menu.
“‘Kay, so...” the waiter started
I was walking down the street and suddenly ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.
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