A man purposely crashed two passenger trains, killing hundreds. Why didn’t he get the electric chair?

Turns out he was a really bad conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsettled_Beef121
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
The TSA detained a passenger in possession of a slide rule, compass and calculator...

They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
Passenger: "How long will it take the plane fly us to Paris?"

Stewardess: "The entire time, usually it flies the whole way."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
News from a Brazilian tabloid: β€œJhon Lennon kidnaps bus and passengers scream HELP”
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guzforster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...

I've been training for this."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin...

I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text β€œ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..

YOUR NUTS?!?!?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/valonnyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?

They weren’t on the port side of the ship.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a multi-passenger vehicle that cannot travel to India?

Colum-bus

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HHStorm21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A plane passenger asked a flight attendant, "How often do planes crash?"

The flight attendant replied, "Only once."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snotburger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, β€œoff course, we are.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa; not screaming in terror like the passengers in the car he was driving.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clelwell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
While driving past a graveyard I turn to my passenger and say β€œThat’s a really nice graveyard but they won’t let me be buried there”

and when they ask why not, as they will:

BECAUSE I’M NOT DEAD YET.

Got my daughter with this once a couple of years ago; she’s still mad about falling for it.

Gotten my girlfriend with it TWICE. Yeah, she’s a blonde.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeDumbGuyFromMD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Reuters: An unruly Delta passenger was arrested after he wouldn't stop saying "I am God".

Apparently passengers turned on him after he couldn't deliver his promised miracles of working WiFi and a normal human amount of legroom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoffPlitt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do airlines call their vulture passenger's luggage?

Carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mwmillman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

It’s my car pet.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I work on the train and recently a passenger had a horse as a service animal with him.

Being very curious, I then ask "what service does your horse provide?" and the passenger replies "when I fall down it helps me giddy up!".

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeachyPenguin93
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter is at a seminar learning to instruct physical conditioning programs to locomotive passengers

It's called train training training training.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-jako
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I got into a car accident and my passenger has never been the same.

I had a huge impact on his life.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My wrist feels like an underground road for vehicles with multiple passengers.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
The passengers who were quarantined from the airplane turned out to have the flu

They all flu together.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?

Their flight was deleied

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpenRoamer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
🚨︎ report
"Hello passengers. This is your pilot speaking."

Me: I wonder why his parents called him Speaking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an amputee riding passenger in a two-seater?

Sawed-off shotgun

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/duntchwishugnu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
🚨︎ report
'Singapore Airlines records low passenger numbers on Canberra to Wellington flights'

Well then, I guess Singapore airlines did not get to CAPITALise on this capital to capital route

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinderium
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Read about another passenger behaving crazy on a plane

Must be something in the air

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponas66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Overheard my Scottish passenger say this to his girlfriend while driving Uber today.

Driving them back to their house, he points over at a business and says to her "Maybe I should work for that company there?

She looks over and asks "Amscot?"

To which he replies "Yeah, I am Scot."

I laughed out loud.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
I was in the drive through with my dad in the passenger's seat next to me

The total came out to $20.76 so I get 21 dollars and a penny ready. Just before I pay, my dad looks over to me and says that I should get something that every good football team needs.
The cashier hands me a quarter back.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HowToCantaloupe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
🚨︎ report
When I got lost with my Dad as a passenger and ended up passing a cemetery

D: "What app do ghosts use to get directions?"

Me: "What?"

D: "Boo-ghoul maps"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicentil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Why is there always a passenger in an ambulance?

Because they are paramedics.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironandtwine9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Driving next to a carpool lane with my dad as passenger.

"You know, if they cover the carpool lane it would be a carpool tunnel."

Thanks dad!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiddenA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
🚨︎ report

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