How does United Airlines treat their passengers?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honeygar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0LL3CT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Why didn’t the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?

Their flight was deleied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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They’ve locked down Liverpool John Lennon Airport and all the passengers are trapped inside

Imagine, all the people...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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My yacht passenger was rude to me when he gruffly asked "how will we embark upon our trip?"

So I told him to shove off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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A man purposely crashed two passenger trains, killing hundreds. Why didn’t he get the electric chair?

Turns out he was a really bad conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsettled_Beef121
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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The TSA detained a passenger in possession of a slide rule, compass and calculator...

They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Passenger: "How long will it take the plane fly us to Paris?"

Stewardess: "The entire time, usually it flies the whole way."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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News from a Brazilian tabloid: β€œJhon Lennon kidnaps bus and passengers scream HELP”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guzforster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...

I've been training for this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..

YOUR NUTS?!?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/valonnyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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To cut costs even more, certain airlines will now serve snacks only to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?

They weren’t on the port side of the ship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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What do you call a multi-passenger vehicle that cannot travel to India?

Colum-bus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HHStorm21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa; not screaming in terror like the passengers in the car he was driving.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clelwell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, β€œoff course, we are.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

It’s my car pet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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While driving past a graveyard I turn to my passenger and say β€œThat’s a really nice graveyard but they won’t let me be buried there”

and when they ask why not, as they will:

BECAUSE I’M NOT DEAD YET.

Got my daughter with this once a couple of years ago; she’s still mad about falling for it.

Gotten my girlfriend with it TWICE. Yeah, she’s a blonde.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeDumbGuyFromMD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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I work on the train and recently a passenger had a horse as a service animal with him.

Being very curious, I then ask "what service does your horse provide?" and the passenger replies "when I fall down it helps me giddy up!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeachyPenguin93
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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What do airlines call their vulture passenger's luggage?

Carrion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mwmillman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Welcome onboard passengers; this is your captain speaking..

Today, we are all going to get high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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My wrist feels like an underground road for vehicles with multiple passengers.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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My daughter is at a seminar learning to instruct physical conditioning programs to locomotive passengers

It's called train training training training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-jako
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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I got into a car accident and my passenger has never been the same.

I had a huge impact on his life.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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The passengers who were quarantined from the airplane turned out to have the flu

They all flu together.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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'Singapore Airlines records low passenger numbers on Canberra to Wellington flights'

Well then, I guess Singapore airlines did not get to CAPITALise on this capital to capital route

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinderium
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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"Hello passengers. This is your pilot speaking."

Me: I wonder why his parents called him Speaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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What do you call an amputee riding passenger in a two-seater?

Sawed-off shotgun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/duntchwishugnu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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Read about another passenger behaving crazy on a plane

Must be something in the air

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponas66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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Overheard my Scottish passenger say this to his girlfriend while driving Uber today.

Driving them back to their house, he points over at a business and says to her "Maybe I should work for that company there?

She looks over and asks "Amscot?"

To which he replies "Yeah, I am Scot."

I laughed out loud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
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I was in the drive through with my dad in the passenger's seat next to me

The total came out to $20.76 so I get 21 dollars and a penny ready. Just before I pay, my dad looks over to me and says that I should get something that every good football team needs.
The cashier hands me a quarter back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HowToCantaloupe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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When I got lost with my Dad as a passenger and ended up passing a cemetery

D: "What app do ghosts use to get directions?"

Me: "What?"

D: "Boo-ghoul maps"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicentil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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Why is there always a passenger in an ambulance?

Because they are paramedics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironandtwine9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
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Driving next to a carpool lane with my dad as passenger.

"You know, if they cover the carpool lane it would be a carpool tunnel."

Thanks dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiddenA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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Why didn't the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?

Their flight was deleied

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpenRoamer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
🚨︎ report

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