[request] Train pun for birthday message.

Trying to write a nice birthday message to my grandfather who is turning 80 and loves Trains. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crompyyy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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Friend and I saw "Snowpiercer" last night. Spent the next hour and a half barraging him with train puns.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorvidaeSF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
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My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver I've ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?"

I said, "Honestly sir, I don't know. It's hard for me to keep track."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Overfrozen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
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How does a train eat ?

chew chew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashwynee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
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What do you call someone who clones trains?

A genetic engineer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
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I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed

It keeps asking me, β€˜Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says β€˜Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolcalmjeff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
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I saw a train and was trying to think of a good dad joke..

And then it hit me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenapple848
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2shoesnotfellows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
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Saw this on my train
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MazuBazu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
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My friend must like to train for running the marathon...

Every time I want to meet him at the bar, he has the runs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
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Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.

It was a loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
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Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train?

Because it went straight pasta!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
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Why can’t a train choke?

Because it choo Choos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsirrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
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Do you know why someone with ADHD could never be a train conductor?

They always lose their train of thought

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barelyknowherCFC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
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A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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I recently found out that my spanish friend killed his cousin because he stole his train model.

Guess it is a pretty loco motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Michael428
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
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How can you tell a train conductor is a drug addict?

The track marks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baldeagle77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
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If lightning struck the engine of a train pulling 50 cars, would someone riding the caboose get shocked?

Only if he’s a good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BargleFlargen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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What did the train say to the choking train?

You should have choo chood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsirrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
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What did one train engine say to the other that scared him?

CaBOOse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bilbro-swaginz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
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I don't think this train has left the station.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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A man purposely crashed two passenger trains, killing hundreds. Why didn’t he get the electric chair?

Turns out he was a really bad conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsettled_Beef121
πŸ“…︎ May 28
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Why did the man driving the train get stuck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfy621
πŸ“…︎ May 07
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What do you call a train carrying gum?

A chew-chew train

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalhead8182005
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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How do trains hear?

Engineers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exotic_Breadstick
πŸ“…︎ May 17
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What did the train engineer say when the electric chair didn’t work on him?

β€œI guess I’m just a good conductor”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lichiiiii
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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Why did the crazy guy steal a train?

He just had a loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxAvery
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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Two old ladies on a train.

"Where are we? Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I, likes go for a drink."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HMSAgincourt
πŸ“…︎ May 31
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Why did the train conductor commit a crazy crime?

Because he had a Loco-motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJRichter
πŸ“…︎ May 06
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Got the dog an electric collar today to train him, but had to test it on myself first.

The results were shocking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ May 09
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A man sits next to another man on the train

He pulls out a photo of his wife, shows it to the other man and says β€œisn’t she beautiful?”.

Other man: β€œIf you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

First man: β€œWhy? Is she a stunner?”

Other man: β€œNo, she’s an ophthalmologist”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
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Did you hear about the train that could eat?

I heard it chew-chewed a hamburger all day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PugHugUwU
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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Why did the train kill the other train for no good reason?

He had loco-motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/souphead420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
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Never going drinking with Train drivers again......

All they did all night was tell me to β€˜chug,chug,chug,chug’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/123woooohhaaa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
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Terrifying Train Trip
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKRagan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
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A train engineer believed a hospital ship was the site of secret government conspiracy and decides to ram it with his train.

Now that's what I call a loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KROMATIXX_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
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How does a train eat?

It goes Choo Choo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSamsquanch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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I can't believe they gave that engineer who wrecked the train in New York the electric chair. And he survived it!

I guess he just wasn't a very good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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Eduardo Moreno tried to crash his train into a Navy hospital ship to expose a supposed conspiracy

That’s a crime with a loco motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
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How do trains eat?

They chew chew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonbush1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
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This entire chain is a train wreck (and there is a lot more than this)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-EpsilonDelta-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
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You could say that train was a cornhaul
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicyfruit69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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Why do parents make train sounds for their children when eating?

Because they go Chew Chew!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
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Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?

They said the robber had a loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenburrito_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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You're the worst conductor in the railroad business. How many trains did you derail last year?

I don't know boss, it's so hard to keep track.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
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I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.

He was behind The Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains...

but it got derailed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/24Anuj24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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The irony of putting Tooth Fairy money in his How To Train Your Dragon bank
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystil_Rylvayn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the train conductor in Mexico that got arrested for murder?

Yeah, apparently he had Loco-motives

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat-bandit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
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What kind of ears do trains have?

Engineers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinytinyspaghetti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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When You order some High Speed Trains from Ali Express... youtube.com/watch?v=5LwMp…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_Bobby2009
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?

It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iGaunt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
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New electric trains will run...

...on conductors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
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So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?

He wasn't trained for this.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
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What do you call a person that’s sexually attracted to trains?

A tramsexual.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmythecow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?

King's Crustation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmytheelf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.

Congratulations, toilet!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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If climbing trains was a sport ...

They would name it training

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p_tally
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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My old girlfriend who gave me the cold shoulder got ran over by a train on Christmas

It was the Polar Ex-press

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinHeartWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.

It’s a military coo.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Chew chew train
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathlysin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?

Hey, Seoul Sister!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/99-bottlesofbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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Did you hear about the blind guy who got hit by a train?

He never saw it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...

I realized my net wasn't big enough.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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My boss yelled at me the other day, β€œYou’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Why is there a tomato on the train?
πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resortapr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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Shout out to trains,

For keeping me on track.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Techno_Viking_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, β€œI'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natty383
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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What should you do now that smoking is banned on public trains?

Chew chew

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardeningnovice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago...

I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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He’s the guard that trains the dogs. He has a bone and it β€œfetches” a modest price if sold.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFattyTron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Trivia question! How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?

It all depends on the conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The420Wizard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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How do trains drink?

They chug.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ambidextrousone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
does metrosexual mean you're turned on by trains?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiathefrick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Spanish train robber

A psycho was recently arrested for train robbery. He spoke both English and Spanish, although all we've heard is that he had some sort of loco motive.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PixxelMaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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I told my son... look a train just past by here.

How do you know that dad?

Look there..you can see it's tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrispyMussels
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
How does a train eat?

Chew chew

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xd_Velociraptor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a train eat?

Chew Chew

πŸ‘︎ 507
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A1if
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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