[request] Train pun for birthday message.

Trying to write a nice birthday message to my grandfather who is turning 80 and loves Trains. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crompyyy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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Friend and I saw "Snowpiercer" last night. Spent the next hour and a half barraging him with train puns.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorvidaeSF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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I don't think this train has left the station.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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A man purposely crashed two passenger trains, killing hundreds. Why didn’t he get the electric chair?

Turns out he was a really bad conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsettled_Beef121
πŸ“…︎ May 28
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What do you call a train carrying gum?

A chew-chew train

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalhead8182005
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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Why did the man driving the train get stuck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfy621
πŸ“…︎ May 07
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What did the train engineer say when the electric chair didn’t work on him?

β€œI guess I’m just a good conductor”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lichiiiii
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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How do trains hear?

Engineers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exotic_Breadstick
πŸ“…︎ May 17
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Why did the crazy guy steal a train?

He just had a loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxAvery
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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Two old ladies on a train.

"Where are we? Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I, likes go for a drink."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HMSAgincourt
πŸ“…︎ May 31
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Why did the train conductor commit a crazy crime?

Because he had a Loco-motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJRichter
πŸ“…︎ May 06
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Got the dog an electric collar today to train him, but had to test it on myself first.

The results were shocking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ May 09
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A man sits next to another man on the train

He pulls out a photo of his wife, shows it to the other man and says β€œisn’t she beautiful?”.

Other man: β€œIf you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

First man: β€œWhy? Is she a stunner?”

Other man: β€œNo, she’s an ophthalmologist”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
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Did you hear about the train that could eat?

I heard it chew-chewed a hamburger all day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PugHugUwU
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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Why did the train kill the other train for no good reason?

He had loco-motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/souphead420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
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I can't believe they gave that engineer who wrecked the train in New York the electric chair. And he survived it!

I guess he just wasn't a very good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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How does a train eat?

It goes Choo Choo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSamsquanch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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Terrifying Train Trip
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKRagan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
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A train engineer believed a hospital ship was the site of secret government conspiracy and decides to ram it with his train.

Now that's what I call a loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KROMATIXX_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
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Eduardo Moreno tried to crash his train into a Navy hospital ship to expose a supposed conspiracy

That’s a crime with a loco motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
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Never going drinking with Train drivers again......

All they did all night was tell me to β€˜chug,chug,chug,chug’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/123woooohhaaa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
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How do trains eat?

They chew chew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonbush1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
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This entire chain is a train wreck (and there is a lot more than this)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-EpsilonDelta-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
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Why do parents make train sounds for their children when eating?

Because they go Chew Chew!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
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You could say that train was a cornhaul
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicyfruit69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.

He was behind The Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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You're the worst conductor in the railroad business. How many trains did you derail last year?

I don't know boss, it's so hard to keep track.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrispyMussels
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains...

but it got derailed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/24Anuj24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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Did you hear about the train conductor in Mexico that got arrested for murder?

Yeah, apparently he had Loco-motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat-bandit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
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The irony of putting Tooth Fairy money in his How To Train Your Dragon bank
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystil_Rylvayn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?

They said the robber had a loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenburrito_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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What kind of ears do trains have?

Engineers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinytinyspaghetti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
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Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?

It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iGaunt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
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How does a train eat?

Chew chew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xd_Velociraptor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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New electric trains will run...

...on conductors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
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When You order some High Speed Trains from Ali Express... youtube.com/watch?v=5LwMp…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_Bobby2009
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?

He wasn't trained for this.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
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What do you call a person that’s sexually attracted to trains?

A tramsexual.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmythecow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?

King's Crustation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmytheelf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.

Congratulations, toilet!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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If climbing trains was a sport ...

They would name it training

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p_tally
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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My old girlfriend who gave me the cold shoulder got ran over by a train on Christmas

It was the Polar Ex-press

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinHeartWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?

Hey, Seoul Sister!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/99-bottlesofbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.

It’s a military coo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...

I realized my net wasn't big enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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What did the Monkey say when his tail got run over by a train?

Won’t be long now

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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Did you hear about the blind guy who got hit by a train?

He never saw it coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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What should you do now that smoking is banned on public trains?

Chew chew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardeningnovice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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Shout out to trains,

For keeping me on track.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Techno_Viking_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Chew chew train
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathlysin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago...

I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Trivia question! How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?

It all depends on the conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The420Wizard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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How do trains drink?

They chug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ambidextrousone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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He’s the guard that trains the dogs. He has a bone and it β€œfetches” a modest price if sold.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFattyTron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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does metrosexual mean you're turned on by trains?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiathefrick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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I told my son... look a train just past by here.

How do you know that dad?

Look there..you can see it's tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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My boss yelled at me the other day, β€œYou’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Why is there a tomato on the train?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resortapr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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There once was a blueberry at the train station...

It was an antioxidant waiting to hop on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaykotecki
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Never trust trains

They have locomotives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucash7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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A train engineer pled insanity for wrecking the train.

That was his loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tru_Fakt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?

It became a fright train.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkchippy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, β€œI'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natty383
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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What do you call a ticket inspector on a maglev train?

A superconductor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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Spanish train robber

A psycho was recently arrested for train robbery. He spoke both English and Spanish, although all we've heard is that he had some sort of loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PixxelMaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Son: Dad, I want to be a train conductor but I don't know where to start.

Me: The station... You can do it. Just stay on the right track

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rehakbrand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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A daring pun train.

A soldier drags a power cable across a battlefield. He is leading the charge.

A stray bullet breaks the cable and the soldier gets electrocuted. He was shell shocked.

The soldier starts flailing, hitting another soldier. He was charged with assault.

The charge jumps to Soldier 2 on contact. It became assault and battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWinterPrince52
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Do lewd acts aboard a rail train make you...metrosexual?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Seen on London train
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train wit

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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A train robbed a bank.

What kind of loco motives could it have?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cringelord123456
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allalovesmemes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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If you want to learn to drive a train...

You need to go through some training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheisgod123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Riding the train couldn't be simpler.

It's a straightforward process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pupikal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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A train conductor runs over a person

He goes to court and is sentenced to death by the electric chair. Before going to the chair he asks for a banana, it is given to him and he sits down in the chair, the operator presses the button and... The chair does nothing, so he is let free. The next day he runs over two people, he once again is sentenced to death but this time he asks for two bananas. He is given them, when the operator presses the button, the chair does nothing, so he is set free once more. The next day he runs over three people, he is sentenced to death a third time but the operator says to him, no more bananas, this time you will die. So he sits down on the electric chair and the operator presses the button, but nothing happens, so for the final time, he is set free. Later he tells his friend, "it wasn't about the bananas, I'm just a bad conductor"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVampireQueen7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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How does the ice cream store train it’s employees?

At Sundae school!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonSnohthathurt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?

He was beside himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-pod-bay-doors
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Why did the train go to the sauna?

To blow off some steam πŸ™…β€β™‚οΈπŸš‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burnyhotmemes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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An Englishman took a train through the Nullarbor plain...

...he found it a bit pointless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onechordbassist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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how does a train eat ?

it goes chew chew

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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How does a train eat?

Chew Chew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A1if
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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