A monkey was sitting on the train tracks waiting for a train.

A monkey was sitting on the train tracks waiting for a train. When a train ran over its tail the monkey said, "It won't be long now!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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My dad as we drive over train tracks.

I think a train has just passed by here.... Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points....you can see it's tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Every time we cross train tracks, I tell my kids...

β€œHey, a train just went by!”

β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Drives by railroad crossing: a train came through here not to long ago. It’s tracks are still here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/420rubberducky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying β€œthe voices in my head tell me to”.

It was a loco motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGunslinger215
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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My dad uses this one whenever we drive over train tracks imgur.com/L2iMsNF
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nik110
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2013
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The woman getting on the train in front of me lost her shoe onto the track as she clumsily clambered aboard. I asked her how she was...

She told me it was sole destroying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmcg84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Every single road trip--the train tracks joke.

Dad: "Hey kids, a train just passed by" Me and my siblings: "How do you know?" Dad: "It left its tracks!"

It was funny the first time when I was 9. Now it's funny because it's dad humor.

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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2013
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Why did the train tip over on the tracks?

Because they forgot their training wheels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAGuyInTampa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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How does a train eat it's dinner?

It chew chews it!?

Credit: My 3 year old, who validated the joke through my 6 year old.

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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Does a train have teeth?

Then how can it choo choo?

Complements of my 6 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehawk86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aromipesa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I was going to tell a railway joke....

But I lost my Train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianTrainFan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

πŸ‘︎ 592
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?

They said the robber had a loco-motive.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenburrito_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Great inventions!
πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donoskaro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Off the rails
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saintnickfun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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You know you can tell a train just passed through here...

whilst crossing over rail road tracks What how is that so?

It left it's Tracks behind.

26 years old. Still fucking fall for it

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingmillzy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
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What is the least sneaky vehicle?

The train. It leaves tracks everywhere it goes.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Two men are hunting in the woods...

Suddenly one of them spots tracks.

"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.

"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.

They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMayberry5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Friend and I saw "Snowpiercer" last night. Spent the next hour and a half barraging him with train puns.
πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorvidaeSF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Three clowns and the tracks in the forest

Three clowns were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first clown said, β€˜Β€ΒœThose are deer tracks.’€

The second clown said, β€˜Β€ΒœNo, those are elk tracks.’€

The third clown said, β€˜Β€ΒœYou’€™re both wrong, those are moose tracks.’€

The clowns were still arguing when the train hit them.

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/three-clowns-and-the-tracks-in-the-forest/

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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My 4 year old got me with this one last night

Me after fixing his train track: "Are you happy"

Him: Giggles "No daddy I'm Connor!"

I feel like I am raising him well.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quiksilver895
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks.

Look son, a train has gone by here recently. Son,How can you possibly know that dad? Dad... Look there...you can see it's tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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A tennis player was reported to be stalking his coach.

The tennis player admitted, and they seem to be on track for a smooth resolution. Upon being interviewed, the coach said: β€œI would have escalated this further, but he's a valuable student with a great arm, and I trust that there is no need for a wrist training order.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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Got my wife while walking the dogs.

We were out on a stroll with our dogs when we came up to a railroad crossing:

Me: kneeling down examining the ground "A train must have come through here..."

Wife:"How can you tell?"

Me:smirking "It left its tracks right here!"

Wife:continues walking, leaving me behind

Edit:Grammar, guh...

πŸ‘︎ 461
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinBritches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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As we were passing over a railroad crossing my dad gave me this one.

Him: A train just came through there, you know how I could tell?

Me: How?

Him: I could see its tracks.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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A dadjoke that made my whole family go "ungghh"

About two weeks ago, my family was heading home from dinner and we came to a train track. We crossed it and my dad goes "That was close, a train just passed through here." None of us could see one so I asked how he knew. He got a big grin on his face and said "It left its tracks!"

I actually enjoyed it.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pajamajones
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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I work for the railroad, so they thought I was imparting important knowledge

Me: "I can tell a train just went through here" Wife and son: "How?" Me: "It left it's tracks" Wife goes back to reading book, son puts headphones back on.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinksnots
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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Every time we crossed the train track

Dad: A train was here. Know how I know? I see the tracks it left.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/e5c4p3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2013
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids...

β€œHey, a train just went by!"

β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 412
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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A train just went by here, wanna know how I know?

It left its tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JLECVICTORY
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
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The Ultimate Dad Joke: The Bulgarian Train Driver

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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My boss said β€œYou’re the worst fucking train driver ever,”

β€œHow many trains have you derailed to date?” I replied β€œIt’s hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linalg2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
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My dad still says this and I'm 21

Dad - you can tell a train just came through here

Me - oh how?

Dad - there's it's tracks!

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/celieus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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The worst train driver ever.

My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this year?”

I said, β€œI'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matjes003
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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