My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
This morning, I told my Australian friend that the store was having a sale, and that he should check it out. He looked up at me, took out his earphones and said...
A gardener said, "I just finished producing some beets, who wants to check them out?"
The cabin replied, "I only play house music."
The windmill said, "not me, I'm a heavy metal fan."
The backhoe said, "I just dig rock."
The plastic baggie said, "I do, I'm a wrapper!"
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
It's always important to do an operational check of your tools.
I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking "How do you read, over."
And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over."
I wonder how many times before they airlock me.
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.
My neighbor is a farmer, I asked him what he spent his stimulus check on
He said he bought baby chickens with it. The farmer got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
Hey guys, check this one out
Last night at the ATM, An old lady asked me to help check her balance
When you work with computers, you should regularly check their storage management.
It's pretty easy and it won't hurt one bit.
My farmer friend used his stimulus check to buy new baby chickens.
He got his money for nothin, and his chicks for free
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
Hey, check out my new Bosch dishwasher
Photon checks into a hotel. Bellhop asks, “Do you have any luggage?”
Photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
I asked my wife to check the kale because it...
Looked a little iffy. She said "check it yourself, if its gross, dont use it."
I said "i'd prefer you check it, I'm not a very good judge of kaleactor".
She didnt even laugh or even snicker. Just an eye roll. This may have been my best pun in all of my fatherhood.
Please tell me how awesome this pun was because, frankly, it's a killer.
A little old lady at the ATM asked me to help check her balance.
All it took was one good shove to tell it was terrible.
Why can't you sign a check outside?
Because you have to endorse.
Why do vultures never check their luggage?
I’ve decided that with my stimulus check I’m going to buy a hat, then a shirt, and lastly some pants.
Top down economic stimulation.
Check out the Chrome Wheels from Google.
I had to check my pee if i was healthy
Check out my new dutch oven!
I had to go to a specialist to check out my bladder. The guy I saw was frickin jacked and kept warning me not to forget an umbrella.
I was like what are you some kinda meaty urologist?
Come check out my organic bakery
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
A man walked into the bank and asked the teller to check his balance.
A patient goes to the doctor for a check up
The doctor says " i think i know whats wrong here, your DNA is backwards."
The patient then replies "AND?"
A woman at the bank today asked me to check her balance
When I was training to be a teller, an old woman came in and asked me to check her balance.
Gotta check the pokedex for that one damn.
Ok...Milk..Check. Eggs...Check...! Tomatoes...Check!
Sir, can you please stop writing checks for every single item?
Check Out These Fly Kicks
It’s international sound check day
Check out the battle scar on my arm. Made from scratch.
My kid just got fired from his coat check job.
He couldn’t get the hang of it.
I decided to check the ancestry of my retriever dog
I'm waiting on the lab results!
[grocery store] Ok, milk...check, eggs...check, tomatoes...check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help her check her balance
I got stopped for routine check at the airport
turns out my daily routine is more productive than others
Edit: thanks cappuch for better punchline and constructive criticism
I decided to check my balance at the bank today.
Turns out I have an inner ear infection.
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
R: "Batman, the batmobile is making a clicking sound and won't start." BM: "Check the battery."
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
I had a girl check me out yesterday!
She was hot but I didn't catch her signal until it was too late when she handed me my receipt and said "Have a nice day".
Check yourself out before you check out (credit to u/sptsd)
At my funeral check my pockets.
I might still have your lighter.
An elderly woman at the bank today told me to check her balance.
I was at the bank the other day and this old lady told me to check her balance...
Check your self before you shreck your self (xpost /r/goodfaketexts)
An old woman at the ATM asked if I could help her check her balance.
I pushed her and she fell over.
Why to vultures never check any bags before a flight?
Walked up to the receptionist at the clinic today to check in for my appointment. She asked: Which Doctor?
I said, no - the normal doctor.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
I saw a woman who said to check her balance, I paused and wondered why she asked that but I checked her balance with a push and she tumbled to the ground. I shruged, got my bank statement and left the bank.
Australian chess players would have difficulty playing chess because it'd be very confusing to figure out if it's a check mate or a checkmate.
Posted this on Showerthoughts thought It'd be more appropriate here.
I was at an ATM and an old lady asked if I could help check her balance..
Check out this handful of doe
While working at the bank today, an old lady asked me to check her balance.
I was in Bangkok with my wife recently. I suggested we check out one of the many temples.
She said “wat pho?”
And I said “idk just to get a little culture?”
My friend loves puns and I told her to come check out this page. She kept telling me she couldn’t find it....
I’m postponing my vision check-up till next year. (I’m told it will be 2020 by then)
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids' suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
Wife Dadjoked My Son - May Need To Check Her For A Penis
Wife made son(14) breakfast today. He said, "Mom, my eggs are shaped like Australia." Wife responded, "It's a continental breakfast, son."
Every time the the waitress asks if we'd like the check.
"Sure, make it out to 'Dad'."
I lost my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
A photon checks into a hotel...
The bellhop asks, "sir, do you have any luggage?" The photon respons, "No, I'm travelling light".
An old lady in bank asked me if I can check her balance
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
[Grocery store] Ok. Milk..check! Eggs....Check! Tomatoes... Check!
Cashier: Sir, can you please stop writing checks for every single item?
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Today, at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.