Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 689
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Why don't vultures check their bags when they fly?

They just take carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick's Day.

That's what I call luck of the IRS

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance...

...so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimjimjimjim69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
My buddy used his stimulus check to buy some baby chickens

He got his money for nothin’ and his chicks for free

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/larryb78
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
I recently got fired from a bank teller position when asked to check a client’s balance.

I pushed them over.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ncumer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
I have a joke about stimulus check

Sadly, you might not get it

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Broke_Gam3r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.

The photon replies, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elusivblak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my doctor what I could do about my irritated eyes. He said "check out conjunctivitis.com."

"It's a site for sore eyes."

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/l1r2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?

They prefer carrion

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahcled
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does the chicken go the check his email?

His inboks

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobby_vance
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does my wife always check the kids temperature when they're sick?

Because the therdadeter doesn't work near as well.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatoneguykc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
I gave my wife a check from my plasma donations. She threw it back at me

She told me to keep my blood money

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piccolorick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.

She shoved me pretty hard but I didn't fall down.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is National Sound Check Day

1 2 / 1 2

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisisnotnorman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't bother doing a criminal background check on me.

I've never been caught.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
My car had check engine light on...

So I told my son that the car might be β€œsick”.

My son said: β€œdoes it have the Car-onavirus?” And started cracking up.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An old lady walked into the bank and asked me if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy Sound Check Day!

12/12

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gasoline-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Fact check
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.

"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Santa forgot to check the weather

Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/generic_what
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
[Grocery Store] β€œOk. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”

Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're ever in India you have to check out my favorite restaurant

The Deli Lama

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.

But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you check if a sniper loves you?

He misses you.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moonie-me
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, our boss Monty asked us to check the stock of vegetable shortening.

It was the count of Monty’s Crisco.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...

So I pushed her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/levonsafaryan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: Check it out dad, I got a haircut. Whadaya think?

Dad: Looks to me like you got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Check this guys comics
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanCoil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you sign a check?

I'm asking. I don't know sign language.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy #1: Check out these pictures I took of the wheat fields during my drive in the country

Guy #2: That would explain why they look so grainy

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iniquitor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning, I told my Australian friend that the store was having a sale, and that he should check it out. He looked up at me, took out his earphones and said...

"Good I might"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A gardener said, "I just finished producing some beets, who wants to check them out?"

The cabin replied, "I only play house music." The windmill said, "not me, I'm a heavy metal fan." The backhoe said, "I just dig rock." The plastic baggie said, "I do, I'm a wrapper!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lela_chan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
An old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance at the bank.

so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weendul
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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