Check out my new boyfriend!
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick's Day.
That's what I call luck of the IRS
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My buddy used his stimulus check to buy some baby chickens
He got his money for nothin’ and his chicks for free
I asked my doctor what I could do about my irritated eyes. He said "check out conjunctivitis.com."
"It's a site for sore eyes."
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Where does the chicken go the check his email?
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
Why does my wife always check the kids temperature when they're sick?
Because the therdadeter doesn't work near as well.
I gave my wife a check from my plasma donations. She threw it back at me
She told me to keep my blood money
What's the best way to check the quality of Lady Gaga's botox?
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.
I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.
She shoved me pretty hard but I didn't fall down.
Don't bother doing a criminal background check on me.
Today is National Sound Check Day
My car had check engine light on...
So I told my son that the car might be “sick”.
My son said: “does it have the Car-onavirus?” And started cracking up.
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
Santa forgot to check the weather
Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run .
Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?"
"Rain dear" she replies
Please check if you flushed
If you're ever in India you have to check out my favorite restaurant
[Grocery Store] “Ok. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”
Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
Yesterday, our boss Monty asked us to check the stock of vegetable shortening.
It was the count of Monty’s Crisco.
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
Son: Check it out dad, I got a haircut. Whadaya think?
Dad: Looks to me like you got them all cut.
How do you sign a check?
I'm asking. I don't know sign language.
Guy #1: Check out these pictures I took of the wheat fields during my drive in the country
Guy #2: That would explain why they look so grainy
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
This morning, I told my Australian friend that the store was having a sale, and that he should check it out. He looked up at me, took out his earphones and said...
A gardener said, "I just finished producing some beets, who wants to check them out?"
The cabin replied, "I only play house music."
The windmill said, "not me, I'm a heavy metal fan."
The backhoe said, "I just dig rock."
The plastic baggie said, "I do, I'm a wrapper!"
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance
An old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance at the bank.
An old lady walked into the bank and asked me if I could help her check her balance.
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...
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