You know what rally ticks me off?

Lyme Disease

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DP3rry089
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Really ticked me off! Barging in like that uninvited. So gave it my best shot.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LoveIsService
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Speaking of Jay-Z, B asked him to clean up his video games. When she came back, she was pretty ticked off.

"What's wrong?" "I can see your Halo"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Don’t annoy clocks

Or they’ll get ticked off.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate clock jokes...

They really tick me off.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDarkBlade0412
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The nike logo.

Really ticks me off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
So my boss got me today

Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us:

Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock...

Me - Nice! Sounds like a good gig.

B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory

M - facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natmor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Puns about clocks are the easiest

Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatDamnCat_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a clock

Finally I can tick that off the list

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VermillionMusic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm participating in a raffle. The organizer handed me my number. I asked if it will get angry if I dropped it. The organizer looked confused but-

I just don't want to tick-et off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom became my dad

Me and my mom were talking about the our kitchen clock, that fell from the wall:

Me: Maybe he just attempted suicide. Mom: Yeah, it was his time.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Morksjel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Two flies were sitting on a clock.

One got ticked off.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbaileysr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the clock say when he was pinched?

Dude, you're TICKING me off!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xiloar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriends father, the king of the dad joke/pun, walks past a can of tick repellent..

Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"

On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pmqv
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
🚨︎ report
I went to the dentist and was so bored...

I decided to eat his wall clock to see if I could pass the time. It was rather time consuming. At first I was going to just eat the hours away, but I was still hungry afterwards so I went back for seconds. My doctor didn't notice at first, but when he used the stethoscope on me, he heard it - he was ticked off. He tocked to me and said that eating clocks is actually slightly dangerous, but the dangers are *minute.*Afterwards, I did more research on timekeeping devices and became clockwise. Sundial.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Once a pun in time, there was a clock that tocked on and on about infinity

Actually it ticked me off on second thought, I better watch it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad's favorite joke...

A man in Switzerland is trying to get his grandfather clock fixed, and brings it into a clock shop.

The clock shop attendant asks the man "What seems to be the trouble?"

"Well, the clock tells time just fine. However, as you can hear, it ticks... But doesn't tock."

"Hmm, I think our Horologist will need to take a look at your clock. Please bring it into the back."

So the man wheels his clock into the back room, and there is an old, balding man, wearing a lab coat and thick horn rimmed glasses. He asks the man in a thick German accent "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, you see, this clock ticks, but it doesn't tock."

"I see," says the horologist. He turns on a single light bulb, and turns off the lights to the room, and pulls out some pliers from his labcoat, and says, in his thick German accent...

"We have ways of making you tock."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phaseMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
So my younger cousin wet his pants..

He's 4 years old and walked into the kitchen while I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt saw him and got slightly irritated because this was a problem she thought he had gotten over. She goes to talk to her husband about it:

Aunt: Keegan had another accident honey.

Uncle: Oh did he now?

Aunt: Yes. And I'm making dinner, so can you please deal with this? (at this point she is still pretty ticked off)

Uncle: oh I'll deal with it. Keegan come here.

Keegan walks over

Uncle: Urine a lot of trouble mister. Can't you pee that you're pissing your mother off?

My uncle proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke while my four year old cousin stood there looking really confused and my aunt walked away with her arms crossed, angrily trying to hold back her laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WanderingMexican
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Morning after a party at my friends place, one friend had trouble sleeping.

My friend had trouble sleeping because a clock kept ticking loudly near him all night, so when he told us that I responded "I bet that really Ticked You off."

I was promptly told to leave the premises and not come back.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorminder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
🚨︎ report
I got my fiance tonight

Her: I have an upset tummy

Me: How'd you tick him off?

Groans and an evil glare were all I got out of her.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSugarHype_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Stove was ticking...

Me: What is that DAMN ticking noise?!?

Dad: Ha ha... that ticking you off? HAHAHAHA

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quwertie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Lyme disease

really ticks me off.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Clocks are annoying

They really tick me off

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OLookItsAnxiety
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.